Sian.. Ever since yest i've been this listless... lifeless.. Felt kinda empty, lost, blurred, just like a boat without a destination.. No planning of route, lazy. No planning of protection, lazy. No planning of survival, rather more on salvation.. Yes, the dogs are barking at the new moon, whistling a new tune, hoping it will come soon, hoping that they could die soon.. Ya, ending it may be the most beautiful thing..
I was reminded of my sins.. I've done my reflections.. Sin can never be forgiven.. It's just like a burnt tree can never become a new tree ever again.. Wat's done had done, wat's gone had gone, irreversible.. Forever.. I felt i needed isolation, desertation.. I can't recognised myself anymore.. I can't tell that it's me when i look into the mirror.. I can't feel that i'm alive... I don't feel the urge to keep alive.. Wat's becoming of me? God knows.. Wat had i done these 25yrs..? Wat am i doing all my life..? Suddenly everything seems so no point in doing.. No point planning my route of advance, no point creating my path of future, no point in returning to the past, no point looking at the present, no point visualising the future..
I'm like a real living dead now.. My hair wun stand anymore, no point doing that.. My eyes look weak and tired, no point opening it normal.. My stomach telling me to eat, no point to eat as I dun feel the need to, no appetite.. My specs is not being put on, no point seeing things that clearly my short-sighted is merely 300+.. My contact lens left with last pair, no point getting new ones it's waste of money.. I'm being unfriendly to all my neighbours, doesn't matter, no point being friendly.. Yes, i'm a mofos. Let it be at that..
Everyday's routine.. I'm growing tired of it.. Work, eat, drink, play, sleep. Again and again and again and again and again and again and again.. Work, why have to work..? Eat, why have to eat..? Drink, why have to drink..? Play, why have to play..? Sleep, why have to sleep..? I’m beginning to dun understand a lot of things.. Why this and why that..? I’m getting lazy to think.. Where’s all my philosophy of life..? I dunno.. Really.. I’m being haunted by the past.. Now I realized how scary it is to look back.. Well, maybe I can’t just forgive myself.. Will not be able to.. Coz it’s gonna be there forever.. Hope my next life will be better, if there’s a next life..
Is there really a next life..? I’m very curious abt it.. I was told that when a person died, the soul will leave the body and pend for reincarnation so in the meantime wandering around and wait.. Is it really that way..? I wanna see my grandfather.. I can’t explained my sins but I just wanna see him badly.. No point regretting over spilled milk but I can’t help it.. I just can’t forgive myself for it.. Sin can never be forgiven even though others may had forgiven and forget.. But it is forever not forgotten in me.. Never forgotten even if I had short-term memories.. Memories aren’t just memories.. Wat’s life without memories…? It’s much better than a life without a soul just like me now.. There doesn’t seems to have any form of life in me.. Even my boss and dad scolded me for being that way.. I forgot how I reacted but doesn’t matter anymore.. I wish for a tranquility just like the lighthouse.. Serenity but I still like it..
No one seems to know me.. I’m in a whole of my own coz that’s wat I was taught.. “Don’t let anyone know your everything.. Leave a bit on everyone and to find yourself is to recall from everyone else, like a jigsaw puzzle.. Your thoughts, your emotions, your actions, your past, your present. No one will gets to know it all, as in 100%.. It’s good for you to stay this way, don’t be like me..” That was something coming out from my dad more than a decade ago and it still applies.. But why is that so..? Wat’s the meaning of that..? Wat’s the point of doing that..? I’ve got no idea.. I’m always doing things that I’m told.. I’m just a follower.. Like, how many r/s I had. No one knows the answer.. Not even my best friends.. Coz I bs too much till no one knows.. Well, it seems to everyone I’ve got a lot before but the fact is, u can count using half a hand.. Doesn’t really matter, anyway the past had past.. No point lingering in the past.. Anyway no one would believed me.. I dun think I’ll need anyone to believe me either.. Coz it’s not impt.. It’s my life, I’m just a part of everyone’s memories.. So, I dun have to be the whole memories of somebody ya..? Well, anyway who knows in a few yrs or few mths or few days or few hrs or few mins or even few secs, I might not be around anymore.. Life’s so unpredictable.. So full of mysteries and uncertainties.. So, I’m not gonna mention abt myself anymore.. Coz it’s not of anyone’s concern.. Ya, that’s right.. Why shld I let others’ mood being affected by my words.. I guess I’ve lived for too long anyway..
I've lost my wings.. Without the wings, without the will, without the strength, without the stamina.. I'm nothing but a souless soul inside an empty shell, so hollow.. But doesn't matter, coz the shell will still move abt..
I'm sorry for all the things i've done, i'm sorry for all the things i've yet to do, i'm sorry for all things i never did, i'm sorry for all the foolish things, i'm sorry for all the bad, i'm sorry for all the good, i'm sorry for all the troubles, i'm sorry for all the problems, i'm sorry for all the stirs, i'm sorry for being not able, i'm sorry for being useless, i'm sorry for being nosy, i'm sorry for being the bad guy, i'm sorry.. Well, sorry doesn't cure.. Anyway, i can't forgive myself.. I hate myself for being myself.. I really hate myself.. Only if ME doesn't exist at all.. Why do they have to give birth to me..? Why do they have to drag me to this world..? I hate to be hated but i have to hate myself.. It's a misery to be living on.. It always was.. It will always be.. Forever will be.. There's no escaping against fate, though fate is a choice to be made.. How long am i gonna last..? I dunno.. I only know i dun need anything now, i dun need anybody now. I promised i will be good.. I just have to think abt it more deeply.. Gotta rearrange my thoughts..
Anyway, time to sign off.. I took darn 8hrs to type this whole post.. Today whole day my mind had been spinning and spinning. Many had noticed I’m not usual today, well, I’m not in the 1st place.. I still preferred smoking alone in one dark corner so that I can think my thoughts better.. I can hardly lift up my head today as I found that when looking at the floor can think better without or less distractions.. Ok, I shall stop here bah.. It’s not the end but merely a new start of a new beginning..
