How do you feel? When someone hug u from behind.. Did u felt that unspoken loneliness in him..? Well it's a pathetic feel, I can understand that.. Actually there's something he intended to confide in u but yea, words got stucked in his throat.. Afterall he's still stranded in the vast sea.. I think u can feel it, so that's why u took his hand and wrap it around u? Sigh.. He's useless as usual.. Unable to stand up on his own yet..

U said that maybe we all shld learn to be jian dan.. Well, most from EY do.. But dun forget, it takes two hands to clap.. No point doing it one way.. Anyway, there's no good guys in the world.. Sorry to say that but I discriminate all guys.. That's why I hate myself.. Well, we both had the same mindset towards love.. Never-ending, ever-lasting, one and only. It's tough I tell ya.. It ain't easy.. Humans are not easily satisfied nor know how to appreciate until the time comes.. Though I didn't go for IHT but I do remembered.. What EY had taught me, I never forgot.. Wanted to go back to do ur part but yet refrain..? I understand that, coz me too.. =( it's a miserable feeling.. Well, the hardships we've been thru in EY is abt the same, u been thru more though.. At least the path is the same.. Those were the days.. Sharing hardships and joy together will bring the bond together..

U still have my 100%.. I din redistribute it like I used to be in the past.. U made me believe in love. A heart can never be shared.. I expect a two-way thing. Even though we seems to be apart, but the heart still remains. What abt yours..? I wanted to know. Did I sensed wrong again? Maybe u would preferred that i bring myself back to the can't-care-less? O.o

I wonder. Hatred wins a hand over love but I beg to differ coz that's me, myself and I. Huiwen asked me, "Why guys are only after pussies?" I told her, "well, becoz that's guys." And that's why I hate myself. Guys do disgust me so I dun wanna do things that a normal guy would do. I'm not like one of those. Dun mistaken, i'm not pin-pointing. It's for all guys. But u know i'm different that's why we can be that close. Not anymore though when I make that decision.. It's good that ur memories are failing u.. I'm not worth to be part of ur memories anyway..

I miss my old blog theme, 'Can sin be forgiven?' Cloud unable to forget the fact that Aeris died becoz he can't protect her.. He's unable to forgive himself.. Well, to me, sin can be forgiven but not forgotten. Thus I always dwell into the past.. Well, can't deny the facts although it's already over rite. Darn. What am I supposed to do then? Some says holding on is strong, maybe it's letting go.. Well that's not me.. Sin can be forgiven. Ppl said i'm foolish but if such a person is this good to them? It's just envy and jealous? Whatever. Dun ordered me around.

"Where's ur bf?"

"I dunno.. Must be drinking and enjoying himself right now.."

Yes at that time but a call or msg it's all it takes to show, how impt u are compared to his friends.. Juz like how kelvin would abandoned us to go find Aili.

"Where's ur gf?"

"I dunno.. She just want to be alone I guess or maybe otherwise. I got no clue.."

"Huh? What kind of bf are u?!"

"Even if I call or ask, she also wun tell me exactly de lah.. This ain't living life.."

Would u prefer a nice flower with bees or a normal flower without bees? I dun mind a nice flower but i'm not sharing if not possible then i'll get a normal flower then.

"if the flower make clear to the bees, everything shld be fine rite?"

Thanks for advice. I know u are like this but I still dunno what I want. Accompany me a little while more where words are not essential. I appreciate it.. Coz afterall I had to make my own decision.. Thanks anyway.. Opposites attract, like u said. That's why it's natural to have so many gals/guys friends mah. Indeed u got super duper a lot.. Lol.. =.=

I used to know that different gender can be best friends.. How come not anymore..? Jasmine used to be very close to me but why not anymore? Celana and Xuehui also. How come not anymore? Was it me or them..? U said he is ur best friend till arms over shoulder, a shoulder to cry on & bday kisses.. That lighten me a bit and brought me back good memories.. Those good old days.. But the thing is, my status is now different, had to spare a thought for her ya..? Though that is not an excuse but it is still an excuse.. Haha. Ppl thought we are an item but everyone else knows u had a bf. That's not the point. Well in fact, I realised I din care much abt that until today when u told me abt ur best friend..

I may be a bochap person till i'm under control.. My dad told me not to anyhow spend money and yet he kept getting money to buy beers and 4D and Toto regardless whether do we have enuff money for ourself or not, he just want it. Well, i'm an easy going person. If he wanted, I would give it to him with no complain. But he grumbled and tried to restrict me. Farking hell i'm drinking with my own farking money unlike u useless piece of shit! Kao! When my freedom is being endagered, I would expect the same in return. U dun want me to drink and land myself in debts, u jolly-well do the same and spare a farking thought for me. U dun wan me to do it and yet u are doing it. Ironic. Damn u. That's the kind of me that many dunno. If u are showing me something, that means I can do that as well. It's a freaking fact lor. Simple logic. I hate ppl who dun spare a thought for others' feelings when doing something. That's why I hate him and myself. Damn it.

U wanted to be a life-jacket.. Seeing a person drowning, u would wan to save him.. That's nice and sweet.. But I mentioned.. I'm not him.. Yup I know.. Even though I dun need a life-jacket while i'm drowning, u are still there hoping to help all u can within ur ability.. U are there floating beside me even though I dun wanna use the life-jacket.. Does it hurt when u see me drowning..? Is it painful to see me in pain..? I can feel it inside u oh.. It's not that I dun appreciate.. I know it, I understand how u feel.. That's why I dun wanna use it.. There's no way u can break the barrier of this frozen ice though u did melt a little inside.. But i'm glad and grateful.. "Dun worry abt falling, coz i'll be there to catch u when u fall.." Thanks sweetie but i'll be juz fine.. I used to be so wrong in thinking of what u are in the past.. Sigh.. Sorry.. It's my bad.. =(

Maybe u needed a life-jacket more than anyone else.. If i'm ship, i'm there to accompany u but I wun let u board it though, the barrier is still there.. Maybe i'm stupid and stubborn, but that's just me.. I can still protect anyone without the wings but not all the way, and not at my best.. =)

Many dunno wat I wanted.. None can really understand.. Haha.. Well, frankly.. No one ever asked or made me say.. Only thinking for me, maybe he like this and that, maybe he dun mind this and that.. Those are wild guesses.. No one seriously wanted to come into my life or rather just invade my world and thought that's wat I want.. Well, in fact i'm very simple.. Too simple till no one could believe it..

U asked why happiness cannot stay..? Why must there be sadness in happiness..? Reality bites and it hurts eh.. That's life.. If there's no sadness, there's no happiness, what comes around goes around, what goes up must come down.. U gotta fight for it, it wun just come and stay there forever.. There's a lot to be done, there's a lot to suffer.. There's no such thing as 'nothing for something'. It's a fair(unfair) world like I said in ur tag.. And it's true.. I'm almost the same character as u, if u notice.. That's why when I 1st got to know u last yr in office, I find u special, a kind of bond.. Though we barely know each other but u gave me a feeling we had known for very long already.. Well, I dun have my wings anymore.. Can't help u much.. I treasured friendships, even a small issue coming to an end I would also feel sad abt it.. Coz I yearn for eternal and not short-term.. Sigh.. Life sux.. But I still wanna explore more.. More sufferings may come but I wanna face those.. “Some say holding on is strong, maybe it’s letting go..” Someone told me this, what do u think..?

The scar mark on the neck just now, it's quite fresh.. What was that..? I dun have good feeling abt it.. But I dun wanna probe though i'm concern abt it.. If not the old me gonna kick up again.. I hate myself for being myself.. The sand is still flowing.. To kick up or not to kick up, I think u dun wan both.. I dun need an explanation I guess..

What kind of person am I in the past..? Who is that weixing..? Time changed, things changed, places changed, status changed.. But i'm still me.. One call and i'll be there no matter what where when why how.. Haha.. I still can't give happiness afterall.. I'm so useless..

Have u totally forgot abt me..? Is it becoz of ur illness getting serious..? Ur memories are failing u badly.. U even need some time to come to realise who I am.. So poor thing.. Kinda sad.. Maybe that's good.. How I wish I can be like that.. To be erased and to erase.. No matter what, ur memories are still in me.. Dun drink so much liao ah.. It will only deteriorate ur health.. Take care ah..

The feeling at Esplanade.. That is indeed a mysterious place.. I simply love that place.. Not becoz of anyone but rather I love the serenity there, where people around me seems to have disappeared and I’m in the world of myself, me and i.. Am I being purified everytime I’m there..? That seems to be the case.. Lonely is my friend so I’m not scared at all.. A place where no sun will smile at me.. I dun need to smile.. Becoz that’s me, myself and i.. I dun need fun, laughter and joy..

Gave u the vase and yet u kept smashing it urself.. Despite that, not only he did not blamed u but instead he helped u fix it as if it's his fault as well.. Always been giving in to u no matter what happened. Even u do things that hurt him, he may have give up but eventually he still comes back.. U hate those 'sorry' coming outta him becoz u know it's not his fault at all and u felt bad.. Cried and cried,devastated and more devastated. Rather be alone despite how much u wanted to see him, coz the more u see the worst it gets.. The more he give in, the more miserable u feel. The more u see him, the more guilty u feel and made u dun even wanna see him as it will only bring u more pain.. To hang on or to let go, both equally painful.. U hurt urself by hurting him. U said he can't live without u yet u choose to leave.. U just needed more time.. Dun really need to leave, as when u come back, he might not be there anymore.. And indeed he's gone.. Though he's gone for good but not entire heart is gone.. That's why he's back now. Yes u may have took 3mths that time but u had stood up already.. Did this question ever strucked u, "he really stood up already though it had been 2yrs?". I've got a feeling he's still in there.. That gal is merely a cover-up.. He might had been an empty shell for her all along.. Anyway, the choice is yours.. Coz it's ur future. =)

It's quite surprising when u said u can accept it even after what he said to u. "i'll not treat u like a princess, becoz i'm not a prince." No matter how much u wish he would but u just didn't get it entirely.. Well, though he said that, did he really mistreat u all along? He juz dun wan u to rely on him all the way becoz he knows u gotta be independent.. He just dun wan ur history of bad memories to return.. Well frankly, isn't he treating u good enough..? Or is it becoz u had increased ur requirements of him which he didn't know? Standards go up as time passes.. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. It's all abt give and take, communication is the key..

I'm not him. Dun see him in me, dun see me in him. We are friends since long ago and we may be the same but we are not, be. Dun be selfish and carve that in ur memories.. Everyone is just a memory of another just like u to me. Inside me I decide how I want u to be and not how u want me to think of u as. That's an example, no hard feelings k.. =) Anyway, the future is not for us all to see, let's just walk the path. At least I know I wun show u my backview..

U allowed one after another.. Seriously is there a need for that..? I dunno coz I dun play such games.. To each his own, I guess. It's a complicated thing.. So, it's a normal thing to do as long did not do anything wrong eh? But when I did it once, I was seemed to be labeled criminal already.. We were just very close friends but ppl around us dun see it that way.. Haha.. More than close friends they said.. But the fact we din do anything.. Some say if u wanna play, u gotta face what's next returning back to u.. =.= indeed complicated. Anyway, just spare a thought for ur partner before doing anything silly even though it's a small issue.. Afterall, it concern two lifes not just one..

Can't get the goddamn idea of suspicious off me. Darn.. Those words.. So afterall I still concern.. Well, that's just me.. It's just like how u can't stand the fact that i'm close to all gals last time but we are really nothing.. I'm just a pillar-support and entertainer.. They can't even be considered as flings.. So i'm really worrying too much till those headaches kept coming back..? "it's becoz of ur xin bing.. Ur mind sends a kind of acidic substance which causes gastric & headaches.." I can't help it. Not as if I wanted it.. Itai...mo ichido..itai.. All in my mind are images of u.. Every single min thinking abt how are u doing, is everything ok, got eat or not..?

"I dun wanna hear that song." What was that coming out of me? Was it a 'i want to think of her yet I dun wan to be remind of her?' Why do I have such feeling..? This is exactly what she had been feeling inside..?

I want to see u becoz I miss u..

I dun wanna see u becoz I dun wanna hurt u again..

The mixed feeling of love and hate.. U saw ur shadows in us.. U showed me ur memories.. It seems that it's really all my fault.. I'm the one who killed it with my own hands.. I guess both need more time.. It's not that she's not ready but rather both are not ready.. We shld both step back for now.. It's better that way for now..

It strucked the both of us, it drew our attention. We look at each other without saying a thing but we knew what we gonna say when it finishes the last line. Haha..

What is this ray..? What is this warmth..? I can feel it.. It's comforting, it's nice.. Never failed to choose the right ones, never failed to choose the right one at the right time.. Was that an illusion..? I had that feeling before.. It's a familiar feel that I will not forget.. The song that pierced it thru to heal it.. Your choice, nice one.. Thus I return u.. But paiseh unable to cope due to the sore throat.. Lolx.. Anyway, it's already healing. I hope u too.. Thanks. =) Oh ya, she said thanks too.. Wahahaha the last time I bring her out to enjoy was like super long ago.. A decade ago I guess.. Sorry it's my bad. Next time shall we? =) i promise.

So sick.. =.= Finally today gotten much better, maybe. Darn i dread of coughs, remind me of my lung infections.. >_< Anyway, been woozy these few days. I dun feel that i'm living, living without a conscious that i'm living. So hollow. lolx.

Many times i see that u wanted to give up but yet unbearable. Can't bear to part. No matter how he treated u, u still stand by him. Many times u wanted to give up but becoz u have yet to find the right one to catch u when u fall, u stand by him. Everything u do it for him, no matter it's an easy task or a difficult task. Though he doesn't show much appreciation, u still stand by him. Though many times u lied to him, mostly the nights, but u still stand by him. Many times he disappoint u with things that he does, u still stand by him. He is the only one who always let u see his back, u still stand by him no matter how hurtful that is. Many dun see that u are serious but i do. I can feel it inside u. I can feel the pain u are undergoing. I can feel the agony u are enduring. I can feel the sorrows u are withstanding. But nothing i can do to help or maybe i dun intend to help.. I've lost my wings so there's no way i can help. What i can do is merely support u with a mind. Mind with no actions ain't helping, i know.. But there's nothing much i can do.. U wanted me to spread my wings to soar but no matter how, no matter what, i just unable to.. I'm sorry. But i know that u will pull it thru becoz u are the one that i know u will. Tough on the outside, weak on the inside but i dun believe u are that weak on the inside.. Afterall 2yrs isn't a very long period.. U can do it. =) Be strong.

U dun show how sad u are everyday i sees u.. U look fine everyday i sees u.. Rarely we chat, but i know there must be something inside u left untold.. We never probe into each others problems but we do care for each other, often left not mentioned. In silence, we be there for each other morally. Despite those annoying two trying to control whatever we do/think. They simply dun understand us at all. No point letting them understand us anyway.. I really dun see the point.. I'm not being cruel coz i still give in to them and i tried controlling my temper every now and then.. Many times i flared up but it doesn't really worth it.. Well, this is our fate? We had to accept it.. Going out with me is indeed weird and boring eh..? lolx.. Sorry it's my bad.. I'm not like this usually.. Maybe it's becoz i'm still sick or maybe becoz of something else.. Next time i'll let u enjoy. Whenever u can't stand the naggings, let me know. I can bring u out. As u know i can't stand them too. Rebellious as we can be, we are who we are. =)

When i'm not serious, things got bad. When i'm serious, things got bad. When i dun care, things got bad. When i care, things got bad. When i dun bother to be there, things got bad. When i wanted to be there, things got bad. When i wanted to give up, things got bad. When i'm struggling, things got bad. When i'm jealous, things got bad. When i bochap, things got bad. When i dun commit, things got bad. When i commit, things got bad. I guess it's all me. The bad memories.

Love is beautiful. It's makes people go crazy, till everything in the world doesn't really matter. Love is blind. It makes people goes blind, unable to things clearly. Love is hate, hate is love. To love and to hate so much, i wonder why. I guess it's all me. The bad memories.

So, such a me, am i still an important person? I dun get it.. I'm a bad person, i'm so not understanding, i'm so not caring, i'm so not attentive, i'm so not attractive, i'm so not worth it, i'm so not considerate, i'm so useless, i'm ought to be write off, i'm ought to be shot, i'm ought to be killed, i'm ought to be dead. Such a me, am i still an important person? I dun get it.. I guess it's all me. The bad memories.

I'm already tired of living just like him. He wanted me to get that thing for him but i refused no matter how much i hate him. He kept nagging me to get him that thing but i simply bochap him. Why would he wanted that thing while at times he is still afraid? Love to live and hate to live. Wanted to go and dun wanna go. Even if i were to get him that thing, he would still be afraid. I know he is afraid. The 3 man he wanted to write them off, now left 2. Would he really go and write them off before he write himself off? When a person is tired of living and gave up totally on life, he wun really care much for himself. Those two blades are still rusty? I din see them laying around.. Often said that we are better off when he's gone but i know he dun really mean it. He only meant it when he's drunk.. I hate ppl who drink, i hate ppl who smoke, i hate ppl who gamble, i hate ppl who take drugs, i hate ppl who hit woman, becoz i hate him. Ironic? Becoz some of the things i did too..? Yup, that's why i hate myself.

When a child is born, he cries and the world rejoice. He cried becoz he is born into the world to suffer. When a person dies, he smiles and the world cry. He smiles becoz he is ending his sufferings. I believe he will smiles if i get him that thing.. Would the rest of us smile or cry..? That is the question.. What abt me? If i were to die, how many would cry and how many would smile? But one thing i know, i will smile.. =)

I'm not myself. I'm not the weixing that u know. Am i not important afterall. Need time? I'll give it to u then. An hour-glass starts counting down. I will leave u alone as u wish me to. I'm not giving up yet as u wish me not to. I will not fool around as u dun want me to. U wanted me to remove those bad memories, yup i did. Passwords still remain unchanged. Like i said this is the last set of passwords. I'm at a loss what to do with life. Is it wrong to be the way i am? I need a change.. The sand are slowly flowing off to the bottom. How much time has left? Time will tell..

the feeling of slept only 1hr+ is indeed sucky. Plus shit happens.

Thanks for ur time. We afterall understand each other very well. Quite surprising to me though. But again, thanks.. U know what i wanted and what's on my mind and i will still stick to it. U shld know, once i decided on something, i wun change easily. Though the going is tough but u know what's happening. Dun worry too much coz i know what i'm doing. So, u are more clear what kind of person i am eh. 20yrs but this is the first time eh? =) Anyway, i'll be there for u anytime. U know i would. U got the number, u got lotsa chances. Just whether to approach or not to approach. We need not be indoor, i can understand that. So just let me know if u needed me. I'm more trustable than others, u know that. Lolx..

If not for u, i wouldn't have felt any better and see clearer. We afterall think alike at times though of totally different inheritage. U are all that i've got and i'm all that u've got. Thanks for being there for me this time. I'm really grateful. Somehow u seems more elder than me. duh. =P

Well, i will stop this blog for now. No point in doing it anymore. Knowing the past doesn't mean u will know the current, knowing the current doesn't mean u will know the future. I'm clear of my future. So... Well, It Ends Tonight.

Just now got took my medicine, shld be feeling sleepy but doesn’t seems to put me to slp at all.. Just went over my own post.. Seen so much, recalled so much and worst thing happened.. I just blog and I accidentally closed it.. Unable to retrieve anything.. It’s getting late and I’m still not getting it done yet.. >_<

I’m sorry for being angry over it despite ur clear explanations.. Becoz I’m serious.. I’m sorry for being sensitive over how come u can smile and laugh when talking to him but with me I seems to only irritates u.. His posts are more interesting with our chats.. Becoz I’m serious.. I’m sorry for being slight possessive coz I’m serious..

I had regard u as The One ever since things got better for us after the light. I’ve given up everything just for u and I’ll do anything to make it go your ways, becoz I’m serious and I wouldn’t wan to lose u.. Anything that will hurt u are things that I will never do, becoz I’m serious. I wouldn’t have care much if I’m not.. I’ve changed a little.. Every time I heard Because Of You, I think of you. It’s becoz of u coz it’s u who had changed my life. It’s a good thing becoz of u.. Life seems complete and I’m living becoz of u.

U know I hated freedom being restricted but I felt glad when u restricted me from this and that, becoz I’m serious and I know u are serious too. U know I hated freedom being restricted so I gave u all the freedom becoz I dun wan u to see shadows in me.. Shadows of the past, so I tried to be different becoz of u.. Well, I’m still not used to invade privacy.

Long ago u mentioned of this long good friend, I just check and said okie no prob with him. Lately u being very close to him but u assured me well, I’m fine with it too. Yest morning I saw the sentence, so naturally I went to see his profile and his blog.. When I first saw him, I rmb his status is single now he’s married. Yup maybe he just wanted to put that to chase away the gals. I rmb I din see u at all but now I saw 3(and as a bf I failed 2 of them). Yup maybe he just wanted to shoo the gals. Then I saw his taggie with a new ‘dearie’. Yup maybe he posted it himself just to make the gals distant from him. Then came to think abt the sentence. Yup maybe he just wanna test us or he did it purpose. Well, if I ain’t serious wun care that much already. I would go back to my own old self. Becoz of u I’m serious so I mind. U said u will tell him to take it down but I saw another recent pic and yet nothing ought to be is done to make my uneasy go away. Becoz I’m serious and had regard u as The One.. I know u are always a very kind gal, if needed the help, I will be the bad guy. U know I would, just that I dun want to, becoz of u.

Think of it what if it’s gonna be the other way round in the same situation..? I wouldn’t even wan to think of it coz I would never let it happened, becoz I’m serious. I had decided that u are The One. I swore that u are not just any substitute, not even for the mystery one coz she is long history and I’m not afraid to offend/hurt her in here.

In my life there’s only four passwords. Winjean, Karen, Celena and Shan. I had decided that I will not changed anymore passwords. Starting – building – enduring – ending – starting – building – enduring – ending. Though I’m only 25 but I’m tired of it. I dun get into a relationship anyhow so I had decided u are the ONLY ONE & LAST ONE till my death..

Just now when I’m alone waiting for bus, I’m alone sitting in the bus, I’m alone walking home, I’m alone smoking outside my house.. I had thoughts of why din the cars beat the red lights? I had thoughts of how would it feel to land from 20th floor? I had thoughts of how would it feel to feel nothing at all when sleeping? Becoz I’m serious. Both u and I know that this ain’t a game.. U are still the old zhutou that I knew that is always being faithful even though he is not around..

Do I really have to check ur inbox too? Do I really have to monitor ur movement and interaction? Do I really have to probe into everything regardless whether u wan to say or not? I really dun wan to coz I dun wan u to see shadows of them in me.. I’m not them.. But if u really need the help due to things beyond ur controls, just say so and I will. Becoz of u I can break my belief in no restrictions. Becoz I’m serious. I dun wan it that way too.. It’s not that I dun trust u, but rather I dun trust guys. I always dun. I dun even trust my own guys friends, how to trust ppl whom I dun even know.

U dun wan me to get any closer to anymore gals, yup I’m glad and I did. U want me to put our pics in profile, well I’m glad and I did. What abt urs? Yes I mind now. Coz now if a person were to see our three profiles. All 3 status are married but urs doesn’t seems to show who is ur bf coz neither is in there(and somemore u know i hate him, his pic still there) whereas the other two shown u inside. What does that gonna show? It doesn’t look good on u. If I dun even think abt it in ur shoes, I think I would heckcare.. But I’m serious. We’ve come a long way and just braved thru the storm.. There’s still a long way for us both to go, isn’t it..? I would still want to protect u even though I’m useless..

It’s just like what both of u said, words got stucked in the throat.. So it’s not that I dun wanna tell u what’s on my mind.. The question is will u blow up? I’m serious becoz this ain’t a game. Communication, Understanding & Honesty. Sometimes it’s not just us.. Even if he got his reasons in doing it, I needed a little respect. Is this another karma to me?

I’m not complaining but I really wan u to know what’s going on inside in just like how I wanted to know what u are thinking inside.. So that we can work things out together. As u said, shit happens but the thing is who’s gonna clear that shit? Well, it’s both of us isn’t it? So why not clear it together then? Tell me what to do. I’m pretty easy to please. Tell me what to do coz I dun wanna be lost. Becoz I’m serious and I had regard u as The One.

Shan, I love you. There’s nothing we can’t do, till death do us part.. Those still inside me..

Yup xing is a lousy and bad bf.. Anyway, he's clear of the plans for the near future, her bday.. The present would crippled his finance but he still wanna buy it.. 1st-hand without contract.. He never reveal anything of sort to her.

He managed to get her address with the promise that he will not go find her no matter what unless permitted by her.. He needed the address so that he could send the parcel to her and yet without breaking the promise. The day came and the present was being delivered, she was overjoyed.. But problem still remained unchanged.. On the day xing entered army, he thought that she would come.. Sadly, nothing of sort happened.. During his POP, again not there.. On v-day, he bought a rice pendant for her, personal delivery to the mailbox.. Again rejected all the requests.. Xing's getting restless..

Xing's thought: Erm.. Am I still considered attached or wat? Totally doesn't seems like I am.. She wants to forever stay like this or the time is not ripe yet.. No idea, for she never says..

Xing's colleague, jeffrey, jio him to go batam for holiday.. And he went.. After he came back, the more he wanted to meet her.. It's not a game and it ain't fun at all.. He just wanted a normal relationship instead of fantasy.

Outta fury, he said these cruel words to her.. "Always ask to meet and u kept giving excuses. I can't live on just like that. It's ok, we dun have to meet anymore, u dun have to contact me anymore. I wun reply ur sms, I wun ans ur calls, I wun be online. Take care. Goodbye." Immediately less than a min, the phone rings. Xing din pick up.. Again it rings, he din ans it again.. Instead, he deleted her numbers and blocked her msn.

Few days past.. Few wks had past.. Everyday, every night, xing had been doing deep thoughts.. Was it the right thing to do or wrong..? Seems like he had hurt her deep real deep.. He tried to contact her again but in vain.. She seems to vanish just like that.. Xing went to her place downstairs and stoned.. Hoping to see her.. Unsuccessful.. As usual, he din want to break his promise so he din go up..

In the end what can he do..? Crying over spilled milk in bunk every night.. Living aimlessly everyday.. Thinking abt this and that.. Gals outside dun interest him anymore.. He had totally given up on himself.. Total isolation except for the mask he had to put on daily..

Xing's thoughts: It's all my fault.. Why am I doing all these to hurt her.. It's the end.. I'm not gonna step into a rs anymore.. I'm not fit to be a bf to anyone.. Coz i'm not a good bf.. So stay away from me.. That's nothing good abt me, there are many other guys out there, so just leave me alone..

With that, xing seal his heart not willing to open up at all.. Totally changed himself.. But he's still have a heart. Some article strucked him.. "Why do women cry more easily than men?" Xing ponder and ponder.. That article is on ladies' side.. Telling men not to bully ladies. A man's mum is also lady.. Ladies are there for us to dote nor to hurt, for us to protect not to bully.. Upon reading these from an article, he decided to treat all gals good on behalf of guys.. And yet refraining from falling in love with any.. Thus, he kept saying he can live without a woman..

Xing had got a good friend in army. But seems like it’s not a very good friend that he seems to be.. Well, he do take good care of Xing though when he is in army.. Frankly, no one wants to make friends with him.. Seeing him like that being outcast, Xing pity him.. Born in 1978 and yet dunno how to think.. He said that all M1, Singtel and Starhub he got owned and unable to sign anymore lines but needed the line to contact ppl. At that time Xing using two numbers, one M1 and the other Starhub. Thus, he requested one line from xing, the starhub line that xing is not using.. Said that he would pay for it every mth, without fail. Everything went well till 2mths after ORD.. Ever since then, he wun pay for it, he wun ans calls, he wun reply sms or rather reply will payback asap.. Ever since he finished NS, he never go work but kept saying by gambling and betting soccer he can no need to work.. In the end, everyone shld know what happened..

Xing’s thoughts: I hate it when ppl dun ans my calls. I hate it when ppl dun reply my msg. I hate it when ppl dun ans to my questions. I hate all these becoz of him. He made me learn this way. Yup I still hate him.

Despite all these, another bunkmate named James. James actually wanted to intro his godsis, Xuehui, to Xing but Xing rejected him flatly by saying gals are nothing but troubles so no thanks. Then he went to that guy and asked if he wanted.. A university student, very cute and guai gal. When Xing learn abt that, he immediately approached James and get her number. Not becoz he heard that she’s cute but rather, how come u would want to intro a gal to such kind of person.. It’s dangerous..

That’s how XH and Xing got to know each other.. Well, nothing much though.. Xing’s just a comic supplier, or rather a anime supplier.. Sigh.. Anyway, Xing is glad she is not fallen onto the wrong hands.. Coz she is really a very guai gal.. Imagine the whole of Bedok Library is almost being finished up by her.. That’s a bit too exaggerating though.. but she seems to be it lor.. A bookworm almost eat up all the books.. lolx.. =P No hard feelings k.. It’s over anyway.. ^_^

Synopsis: What’s life after army..? The key.. The gate.. The time.. An angel bestows..? Or izzit just an illusion..?

When xing graduated from secondary, he spent one mth slacking at home playing playstation, final fantasy 8. Whole day playing, only sleeping upon 1st light.. He was being nagged daily to go and find a job. Well, xing is just being lazy.. Haha.. His 2nd aunt intro him to a job as a security guard at ST Technologies at Paya Lebar.. $1000/mth 12hrs, either 7pm-7am or 7pm-7am.. Shag out..

With his pay, xing rewarded himself with a hp, Ericsson 688. Lolx.. That time that phone is so goddamn popular and expensive.

Benedict ever mentioned abt the batteries for hp so xing thought ben is working in a hp shop. After xing quit his security job, he ask ben if his workplace got any vacancy without finding wat exactly is the job scope. Xing went for an interview and he got the job, will be starting work on the following monday. Still, till then he still dunno his job scope. Only knows the company name, Hardware House.

It is a computer company selling computer accessories and xing knows nuts abt computers. He only knows how to play computer games. Lol. Life's tough in there due to zero knowledge. However, xing is a keen learner and his interest on computers rose. In the end he learnt a lot and handle partial management despite him being a mere part-timer. They called him super-part-timer, most called him 'xing ye' aka grandpa xing.

It was fun working there. Xing got to know a lot of ppl but there's one he dun like, Jason Ng. The ah beng at 5th floor who only listens to techno and is very jiao gei. Lolx.. Edwin Wong is like a teacher to xing, teaching him Video Editing stuffs which is then the most popular trend in the trade. Carlynn is like a big sis to xing who takes good care of him when he's at Bits&Bytes. Jessica too when xing is at IT Cyber Hub. Geogos, johnny pek and johnny loh, when xing is at Copernicus. Andrew & weimin, when xing is at NTT. Joei the lady boss dote on xing the most.

Ben ever jio xing to go BQ to drink with the rest of the company members. To build bond. Well, xing doesn't know how to drink at all.. But the bonds are still being made. Happiness doesn't lasts long.. Soon, xing had to go to poly so can't work anymore.. Well, he's still working on wk-ends though..

The feeling of loniness.. Life at poly indeed sux big time. Xing was real excited abt getting into poly, no more sch uniforms while studying!! Weee!! Haha.. Wearing sch uniform always have to take note not to get caught while smoking.. Troublesome sia.. Sigh..

There's only two gals in poly, both taken.. Cheryl and Xueying. Cheryl is this noisy but pretty ah lian. Oops! I mean loudspeaker. Erm.. I mean.. Hehe. Facts are facts. =P despite she wear like one, she's an intelligent lady with a caring heart for everyone. Very brotherly to everyone. Xueying is the quiet & sweet type. Her bf is her cousin and make the relationship inconspicious so she's known as unattached initially. They dun even hold hands when with us until later part she got extremely jealous that there's so many gals around her bf.. Haha.. Gals are hard to understand at times..

Xing's thoughts: Will other guys tend to withdraw when knowing a gal is attached? Not really. Guys are more bold. And why do ppl keep their relationships in secret? Well, only they know it. It's pretty logical. I'm the kind who wun say if I got a gf, coz i'm not the kind who like to show off. But i'll let the pictures do the talking. A picture tells a thousand words. Be it on profiles or phone. A responsible act or rather a commited act.

Now it's the guys side. Alvin, rudy, moses, gerald, anthony, huiqi, derek. The fun guys to be with but the bond is not strong at all..

Life is really very tough at poly which many do not know.. Xing had very little pocket money so normally he wun eat in sch.. Whenever it's lunch time, he would said that he's meeting friend who is studying at NP at Clementi for lunch. In actual fact, he just take a bus to Clementi and walk around aimlessly.. Coz many times he got no money to eat. Anyway, he's used to withstanding hunger.. Rarely he would experienced gastric pains.

Due to scarce friends, xing going on online chat, IRC, to get to know more friends in SP.. He got to know a gal named Karen who's studying at opposite block only, studying electrical engineering. A nice and friendly gal who always willing to share xing's prob. He carry on his search daily, till one day he got to know Pamela. They meet up after a few exchange of sms. 1st meeting at Bugis Mac. Pamela is a secondary student studying at a neighbourhood sch at Tampines, she lives at Tampines too.

After they met, at night xing straightaway asked her to be his gf. To his surprise, she agreed to it. That's xing's 1st official relationship.. Greenhorn as he can be, he always do his best. Every morning he would take the 1st train and travel to Tampines to pick her up and send her to sch before he set out for his lessons back to the west. After sch if both are free, would meet up for movie or window shopping. Seldom hold hands, no hugs, no kisses. Xing is the shy type afterall.. Grewing bored of xing, she broke off with him after 2 weeks. Well, this ain't even qualified to be known as a relationship. For a little fun eh. However, xing is still very sad abt it though he mentioned he's ok. He just bottled everything, only karen knows abt it..

Being outta love, xing jio his classmates to BQ Tabs for drinking as there's free flow of beer.. Xing collapsed that day. Totally knockout till his two had to bring him home. They had a hard time trying to find Xing's address then got no choice but to check his IC.. Not once but twice this happened.. Thanks huiqi, thanks derek, thanks gerald. Sorry for the troubles caused..

Xing decided to go into online gaming, Jin Yong Online. Commited all his time and passion into it coz he finds that relationships are not worth his time.. As for the poly, he quit after 6mths but he still in contact with the rest. Xing went back to HWH to work while awaiting his NS.. He worked one and a half yr before he got into army..

All his happiness and sadness, he only shared it with karen and she too.. Thus, both of them become very close though they never seen each other before.. Well, as time passes xing start to think why not get her as gf..? Then came the approached.. Karen never had a bf before, so the sudden approached was quite shocking to her.. She asked, "Do u really want it? A support pillar or a bgr. It's either this or that.." Well, xing chooses bgr. That's how they started..

Xing never thought of how she looked like, coz he always thought, "Looks dun last, it's the heart that lasts.." However, as time moves on, it seems that she just wanna leave it as it is.. Meeting up never seems to have crossed her mind, thus, she rejected a lot of requests of meeting up by xing..

Xing's thoughts: If i'm able to move her, I think she's gonna meet me.. I rmb she had always wanted a Nokia 8250 but she dun have the money to buy it and somemore she gotta work to pay for her own fees and meals.. And most impt, her bday is approaching, just before my army.. Maybe this project might be a success..

Still can rmb she kept asking Xing to go and watch a korean show, My Sassy Girl. She said she loved the song in song. Pachelbel - Canon in D. But xing doesn't care much.. Even when they are chatting on the phone, she would ask him to listen while she played the song.. Xing is still into his game.. Xing is such a lousy bf..

Synopsis: The arrival of the bday. Unfaithful? Or rather being forced to? Army life.. Frozen.. Shutting the door.. Isolation..

Got urge to continue yest posting. Yest was kinda posting in a rush with my dopod while my beloved sis occupied my comp. Well, she always did. But she's my sis afterall, so gotta give it to her. Though i nagged, but i still give in to her.. haha..

Heard around, "I've got another friend also same situation as her.. Marrying to a guy 10yrs older.. The story of 25-hours watch. Everytime she's angry, she would throw the watch outta her window.. Then after a while she felt unbearable and heartache so would rush down to retrieve back the watch. She always managed to take back the watch and it's working fine as usual.. Saying that their love is like the watch. Unbreakable, tough and lasting. So, next time buy 25-hours ok."

I mean, does age seriously matters? When Irene 1st learnt abt my relationship, she said i was cheating on a small gal. Well, both elder sis din even say anything. That shows that she throw that remark without knowing anything, can't blame her. =) This happened long ago, like 4mths? o.O Anyway, age doesn't really matter. Most important is seriously communication. What kind of mindset others have are their own problems and it wun change a thing.

"Why do u work? For money right? Why do u get a gf then?" Hmmm, he's trying to get me on the mindset of putting priorities. Emotions can easily crippled a person. Successful ppl always put $ infront of everything else so as to focus. "When u got the money, u afraid u can't find any gals?" Well, that's not what i wanted. Those are simply material-seeking gals, thus, u see i used to refrain from any gf in the past. "Think abt it, even if she request something from u, u still gotta wait till payday. Ain't it tough?" Yup true, but what else i can do? It's my own useless ah. Can't simply blame anyone for something that cannot be done ya? "Even if were to marry now straightaway and dinner held at coffeeshop even if it's only buffet, u think u can afford it now?" Ya i can't. Well, in all, if such things were to happen and gonna kick a fuss, that would show no point in doing anything. I believe she will not. Thus, in order to give her a better life, i would like to take the biggest risk and giving it all that i had to make it happen. No matter how much stones are being thrown, i still have to give it all out and not just try. Try is not the word anymore. Try is merely giving out a percentage of effort and not full effort. Either one, i'm giving all i have. There's no turning back now.. Simplicity is not as simple as ABC. Time passes, ppl changes, materials grow, technology increases. There's no such thing as sure thing anymore but one thing i can be sure of, my heart. It sure is true and commited to everything the mind thinks. We've come a long way, aren't we?

Magnets are cute. Same polarities repel and different polarities attracts. No matter how the relation of N & S is clear, they will still attract to each other. No matter how strong the WILL is, opposite will still attracts. That's the danger. Well, this is human nature. I used to get attracted easily, not until i found the one that i decided. Thereafter, to prevent the history to repeat itself, all oppositions are being put at a distance, a safe line. That's for safety measure for self and also my responsibility to do it. Though it's not neccessary, but safety measures still have to be made. There's no IF, i simply wun let it happen. Well, gals are less dangerous than guys. =) Dun forget i condemn my kinds.. Like i always did. There's nothing good to say abt them, i can only think of the bad on their mind. Coz i used to be one.. Karma.. Sigh.. Lolx wtf karma again.. ~.~ I'm starting to grow inferior of that word.. Lolx..

Just came back from a wedding dinner.. Just saw her most beautiful smile, yup a lady in love is always on her most beautiful smile. =) Congratulations again, gal. Bliss till the end, god bless. U both shall have my blessing. =)

U always said, "爱一个人不一定拥有, 但拥有一个人一定要好好去爱..." Yup it's a very responsible thinking/philosophy.. Both u and Jenny never failed to bring in new philosophy to my collections. =) Always taught me the right path and always leading me to the right path. Even when i'm turning astray last yr end, i'm being brought back.. I'm grateful. Thanks..

What comes around indeed goes around.. Vice versa, be it good or bad.. Karma is scary, some call it fate of life. Destiny is not fate but a choice to be made. That's why no matter what happened, i'm always blaming myself 1st.. Coz mainly it's either I asked for it or karma returned it back to me.. Just like the last bad things that happened to me last yr, it's wat that's returned to in ten times the pain I dealt.. Haha.. Well, that's inevitable.. Human can never challenge fate.. It's hard to be a good guy but I felt it's good to be a good guy..

Being so stressed lately.. And somemore darling is sick.. It's more painful to see a loved one suffering than being sick.. My heart ached badly everytime I see my darling in pain.. How I wish I can take away her pain.. Let me be the one to suffer.. Sometimes it hurt so badly that I almost cannot take it.. Ever since I watched Summer Snow, i'm that emotional..

I yearn for eternal, is that too much to ask of..? Sigh..

Many times, felt like making a huge leap to the year 2006.. But I guess I shld give it a pass for now.. The temptation is great but I know I can resist it, like I always did. Yup, Xing is that rush at times.

Ever since the Sherry’s case, Francis sees Xing as pathetic. He got to know 2 gals named Jillian and Winjean. J is tall, sleek and pretty. W is short, big eyes and cute. He took their numbers when he saw them out in the streets. Seeing Xing like that, he decided to intro W to Xing.. This is the beginning of a new nightmare..

Xing started to contact her. They shared a common thing, dog-lovers. That’s how he hit it off with her.. Other than sharing this, of coz they shared their life too.. Well, though they have not met before, Xing seems to have captivate W. Many says it's becoz of his voice.. Sherry mentioned that before, Lynn too.. Simply dun understand that, how can a coarse voice like that able to charm any gals.. Lolx.

Anyway, Xing did requested her photos. Upon receiving the photos, Xing lost all his confidence and had fear when toking to W. Not that she's ugly but rather the opposite.. Very soon W also request for Xing's photos but Xing never liked to take pics as he always think himself as ugly.. However, she din probe further.. As time passes, Xing starts to get anxious and wanted to meet her but on the other hand, he was afraid this might lead to the end of friendship.. Yup, Xing was that useless.

On one fine evening, Xing finally met W to pass her something near her place. After meeting, the duo just part without saying much.. While Xing is on his way home in the bus, he did msg W regarding the next meeting but no respond.. Almost immediately he msg her again and said, "it's ok if u dun wanna meet me anymore de. U just take care. Goodbye." It was quite a harsh msg.. No sense of understanding at all.. Xing is such an idiot.. Sigh.. Well, life still goes on. Even life still goes on, Xing's heart still not resting yet.. Sigh.. Watever for.. He suffered for almost 3yrs, one-sided love with efforts not being paid off no matter how good he treated her.. And worst still, he saw the true colours of his friend. Xing was able to make W felt touched and he almost gotten her.. Expect the unexpected, Xing's friend actually called her and somehow managed to save her.. Xing only came to realise the truth after some time...

Xing's thoughts: Do u really have to treat me this way..? For a gal and u can do this to me? I hate being betray.. If u really want the lass, just let me know and i'll give up the fight. Anyway, no matter in wat aspects, i'll lose to u. I'm utterly disappointed..

Sec 4 is quite a bad yr for Xing as well, the yr he got canned in public..

Xing got to know this guy named Eric. The worst human on earth. Xing was being led astray by the power of greed. Eric seeing this as his weakness, took advantages of it.. Xing was easily being threatened as well, he's such an easy push-over. His aunt gave him a discman and it's like a treasure to him. Eric borrowed it from him and threatened him to do things for him. If xing dun agree, he wun be able to get back the discman.. The feeling of being manipulated, the feeling of being controlled unwillingly.. Not entirely eric's fault, xing had himself to blame as well.. Karma. What comes around will goes around.

When xing entered sec 5, he intended to change, to change for the worst. Therefore, he went for a botak haircut, but immediately the next day he had high fever. So, 1st week of sch he only attended 1 day.. Xing's attendances were no good ever since sec 1. Kept skipping sch and without a valid reason for being absent.. Still rmb there was once he was being called to the principal's office and was being questioned. The principal literally laugh at him when xing said he wanted to go poly.. Well, xing's results were not possible for him to get into poly. Anyway, the more the humiliations, the stronger he gets.. The stronger he gets, the more defensive he is. Though no more in contact with this guy but if he were to come again and stepped on xing's tail, he would get it. Just hope he wun become a snake.

Xing is often seen with Francis. He had served his probation so he's back to World Trade Center. At there playing arcade, if not will be at the indian store.. That place is actually a gathering place for his friend's gang.. Well, xing din really joined them, just mixed around only. Many times when there's war abt to begin, xing will be told to leave 1st. He's always reluctant to leave. He wants to be a part of them, sharing joy having fun and brave the front. Well, it's becoz of Francis only.. Yup xing is that loyal. Because of his character, many would give a helping hand whenever he is in trouble.. Xing is a bad guy, better stay away from him..

Xing is a condemned student in the whole school. No teachers like him, no classmates like him. He's got a real bad temper. There's one incident that one of his mate named kok fai, older than xing by abt 2yrs and taller than xing by more than a head. He loves disturbing ppl. That time one of xing's shoes just fell out and seeing that kf immediately took the shoe and run abt, treating xing like a monkey trying to chase him. After running for a while, xing gave up and stood still with his blood burning. Seeing there's no more fun coz xing is not chasing, kf walk over to xing and laughing. When he's near xing, xing immediately gave him an uppercut from below. Everyone were stunned by that. No one ever expect xing would have such an action.. Well, no blood, guess it's too light for kf. Kf had always thought he is a big boss in class as he is the only one who dare to give the discipline master a punch in the face in public. Well, he doesn't know that xing had given up on life so he dun care at all. Even if it's to play life, he's game anytime.

Xing's thoughts: There's always a limit to all tolerances. Don't try me. I'll dare anyone to take my life. Afterall i'm left with nothing. You wanna play with me, u gotta know ur limit. This is my dad's mentality when he decided to plan on killing the two fools who prey on his wife. His death will bring joy to many, so why not take down two more lives. It's death anyway. So, dun play with me, boy.

Xing is not that violent nor scary as he seems to be.. Being forced to be, under some circumstances he may turn into devil within the angel. Fallen angel is the trail of devil's path. Let's just hope things will be just fine..

Anyway, back to sec 5. Xing is a bad student. No one feels that he gonna make it thru the O-Levels coz even though he's often seen at Tea Garden, a McDonald House near Queensway. He went only to listen to music and chitchat. Otherwise, teaching yx chemistry.. However, he's among the 6 ppl out of 40+ students in his class to graduate and got into poly. But it's a pity. He got merely 4 credits without humanities, thus, he's unable to get into Chemical Engineering nor Chemical Process. In the end, he got into Singapore Poly, Mechatronics. Robots making. =.= And he is alone. No friends at all.

Synopsis: Life at poly. 1st official relationship. The official start of working life.

My post is only halfway done... Anyway, side track a bit today.

It seems that the light is not as painful as it seems to be. Coz i can feel the pain in it. Somehow glad that i get the full picture which explained the whole puzzle. My sense is sharp afterall but not really that acurate. Sharp on using on a wrong aspect. Focusing on a wrong aspect. It's indeed a painful journey. Laughters of joy, tears of pain, agony of hatred. All we have had were almost the same. Felt that only if we can turn back time.. But watever gone will be gone.. Time can never be fetched back.. Cracks can never be undone.. Nightmares can never be forgotten.. We can only move forward now. Often said, "History can repeat itself". Not for me. I will not allow my own history to repeat, never. Unbearable pain and sufferings are hard to withstand.. Still painful for both, but wat to do. Reality bites and it bites real hard. We are both in the wrong and we are both right. There's no way to differenate rights & wrongs, unless we see deep into things. Communication plays a real impt part. With communications, a powerful army can just be vanquished easily due to miscommunications.

Time of pain, time of despair, time of agony. Those are gone. Let's not rack it up again. I will not get those into my blog as well, but i will still post the digusted me in there. For those that i did, for those that i din, for those that i've done, for those that not yet done. I'll still want to protect u no matter how rocks are being thrown at me till even i might die one day.. I will continue to protect just like how i used to be, just like how i wanted to be. Till the last breath, i will fight on.

I'm sorry for things that i had done, i'm sorry for things that i din do, i'm sorry for the pain that i gave, i'm sorry for all the troubles that i've caused, i'm sorry for all the things that i shouldn't have said to wrong u, i'm sorry for all the empty promises.

I'm sorry, i'm just incapable.
I'm sorry, i'm just useless.
I'm sorry, i'm just naive.
I'm sorry, i'm just stupid.
I'm sorry, i'm just insensitive.
I'm sorry, i'm just foolish.
I'm sorry, i'm just an idiot.
I'm sorry, i'm just a freaking worthless ass.
I'm sorry for being sorry but i can't help but to feel sorry. I'm totally disgusted in my actions that allowed such things happen.. Just once, not twice, not thrice.

"Still young. Still too early."
To hell with you, shut the hell up. You are in no rights to shoot that when you yourself are even worst case. Loser.

"There's still other flowers out there."
I already had one in my hand, i'm not supposed to pick another. You can go right ahead, goodbye.

"Marriage? You serious about it? LOL!"
What's so funny? Get a life, i know you dread of marriage. Well, anyway you are just afraid that you can't play anymore.

"Leopards will never change its spots, you know that."
Yup, the good nature old her that i knew has not changed at all.

"Not worth it, you can find a better one."
Well, i'm not your cup of tea. If you think she is no good, u think u are of any better? My foot. In some aspects she's much more better than ya.

"Don't you feel tired? You sure you still got confidence?"
Yup i'm tired, i'm more tired of negatives. Confidence? Yup, i know you don't.

"The future is a long way to go, you seriously got to think carefully about it."
I've been thinking why can't all of you just leave the two of us alone. For god damn sake, get your own. Remember the word 'karma'. What comes around will goes around.

Well, some may find these words/sentences familiar. Yes, i'm just returning them back to you. If not happy, can just bring it on. I'm ready anytime. You want a piece of me? I'll give it to you. I'm weixing, i will not run nor hide nor change my name. You wanna play? I'm game. Becoz i'm serious and this ain't a game.

All good things come to an end. Bliss doesn’t lasts.. That’s always the case.. The good guys always died earlier than the bad guys, as always shown in tv, as well as in reality. Life sux.

Xing is not a filial child.. Not deserved to be loved.. That time his grandpa as admitted to the hospital, he was seriously ill and yet Xing was out with his friends for some fun, think house-warming or something.. He’s being told many times to go home straight but he simply reluctantly to do so until later.. His grandpa was at his deathbed dying and yet Xing still can enjoyed.. Well, he wasn’t told in the 1^st place.. Was only told to go home immediately.. Rebellious as he can be.. He delayed going home early.. When he reached home at Alexandra, his auntie immediately brought him down to take a cab to the hospital.. At the hospital when grandpa’s brother-in-law saw Xing, he gave Xing a one tight slap on his face till he almost fell down.. Xing was stunned not knowing wat’s the actual reason being slapped.. Upon entering the ward, Xing’s grandpa was so happy to see him.. When Xing saw grandpa, he just cried.. Grandpa asked, “Wat’s wrong…? Why are u crying…?” Xing just shook his head while grandpa patted on Xing’s head and said, “You have to be guai ah.. Have to be more sensible from now on, I might not be around to take care of you anymore.. You must learn to take care of yourself ah..” Those words made Xing cried even harder.. Making him recalling all the things that he had done wrong.. Irreversible wrongs.. There are so many things Xing wanna said to Grandpa but no more chances le.. The untold remains untold..

Xing’s thoughts: I’m sorry grandpa, last time I was so foolish and naughty and mischievous.. After all that I’ve done to u all these years.. I’m not worth u loving me anymore and yet at ur deathbed I’m still ur most worried.. I’m dun deserved to be loved.. I’m not worth to be loved.. I’m sorry for my bad.. I’m such a bad guy.. I’m so useless.. I’m sorry grandpa.. I got so much to tell u.. I got so much to let u know, to share with u.. But it’s all too late.. I’m sorry grandpa.. Sorry.. Really sorry.. Really.. Only if there’s one more chance.. I mean if.. I will be good.. I promise.. I love u, grandpa..

Still remember in primary 6, Xing went on teletext chat and put his home tel in there.. In the end, past midnights there are always a lot of prank calls.. Lolx.. All are out to disturb except one. This gal is a yr older than Xing and her name is Lynn. They chatted almost every night around midnight. Xing learnt that Lynn actually got attracted to his voice, saying it’s nice to hear and also that Xing is an interesting guy to talk to. There’s nothing they couldn’t talk about.. But ever since the home tel number was changed due to too many prank calls, Xing lost contact with Lynn totally.. He is still too young to know anything abt calls-tracking and some more it’s always Lynn who called, so Xing doesn’t has her number at all. In the end, it was the end..

Ever since the BK thingy, Victor & Tee were afraid that Xing might do it again.. Thus, Tee took Xing to work with her. Working as a waiter at banquets. Xing is a skinny boy so Tee always help him in serving the heavy dishes like Shark Fin Soup, Steam Fish, etc. Slowly by slowly, bit by bit, Xing learns as he move on.. Stronger and stronger each day, as time passes. More and more familiar he gets with the procedures. Though working as part-timer and the pay is peanut, but somehow Xing feels good earning and spending his own money. So, most of his wk-ends are spent working away.. Think he needs to get a life.. Lolx.. Yup, life’s tough but the going is on..

During the secondary sch days, Xing never studies at all. At home there’s always nothing to do other than watching tv. Xing is not a homely person at all, it will only drive him crazy. Lolx.. Thus, he is always either at Gordon’s place or at ZG’s place. If not would be playing basketballs with the guys. Toking abt that, Xing also got play basketball with JL and YX, mainly at the CC opposite their district. That’s a bad place to play coz there’s too many ants.. Ants that can fly.. =.=” Ya they dun attack ppl but Xing was being attacked by one once. That time at night he was waiting for his friends to come at the CC so he was standing near the basketball court. Suddenly a blind flying ant hit straight into one of his eye. When the thing hit his eye, instantly he shut his eye and the ant was trapped inside. Pain could be felt in that eye, neither closed nor opened could take away the pain.. Xing rushed upstairs to the toilet immediately and tried to wash it off. However, the more he rubbed his eye, the more pain he felt.. It just doesn’t want to come out or rather it can’t get out at all.. After several min of struggles, finally it was removed.. However, Xing’s eye had gone all red.. In the end there’s no basketball for him.. He’s in no condition to play..

During sec 2 there was this interesting incident.. Xing saw a gal from NPCC and he asked Benedict(who was in the NPCC as well), “Who’s that cute gal over there? New student from sec 1 ah?” Ben told Amy abt this thing.. I think the news of ‘Xing like this gal’ got spread around.. =.=” Well, no feeling lor. =.= Can’t even ask.. Sigh.. Well, actually Xing dun have any confident at all.. To him, he finds himself ugly and wun even think of anything else. Still remember in primary sch, kids love to talk abt position in who is the most handsome and who is the prettiest, Xing always avoid such things.. Coz he knows he would be labeled as the ugliest in the whole world.. Anyway back to topic, few wks later Ben came to me and said “Hey!! This is so surprising!!! That gal actually like u!! Haha!! U lucky man!!” By the time Ben finished his sentence, Xing felt that his heart had dropped to the bottom.. He can feel that it’s heavy, a sudden shock. However, no further actions taken. He dun even knows her name. Life still goes on as per normal and the two still remains as strangers, rarely a smile as a greeting. When Xing graduated that, that gal got a transfer. So, maybe they are not fated to be in the 1^st place.

Sec 3 was the worst yr in Xing’s life. Early in the year, Xing starts to sense that something is wrong with ZG.. Though Xing bochap and simply tag along with the gang, but somehow he had the feeling of a little being left out.. His instinct told him that the problem lies on ZG.. Sure enuff, ZG is ignoring Xing. Xing tries to seek for the reason but he failed.. No one seems to know what’s going on.. Even Gordon had no idea but his relation with ZG is as per normal. ZG doesn’t seems to tell anyone wat’s going on, as in why is he ignoring Xing and treating him as if he is an enemy to him.. So suddenly it happened, without a clue.. They never quarrel, never fight, never argue. Xing is always the one who backed out from all these when it comes. Tui Yi Bu Hai Kuo Tian Kong. No point arguing or quarreling when it’s gonna leads to more and more.. That’s why whenever Xing is angry or upset, he always keep everything to himself..

From strangers to friends, from friends to close friends, from close friends to enemies, from enemies to strangers.. Shag lor.. All good things eventually will come to an end.. When there’s a start, there’s always an end; when there’s an end, there’s always a new start.. That’s the nature of life, cycle of life.. What comes around will goes around.. But Xing is unable to digest at all.. Meaning, when there’s an untied knot, unable to get the truth, the soul never rest.. Xing hate being untold of something, something that is not explained, even if it meant to be hurting.. Xing only seeks the light. Without the light, the soul NEVER stay calm.. He is not like any ordinary guys who can forget all abt it when unable to get any answer.. Though he always seems bo chap but he is always hinting and leading the light to be reveal... But he always got into wild imaginations easily, that’s his ultimate weakness. Just like this case, there are ppl telling him that it’s becoz he stole ZG’s limelight so ZG made him an enemy. Some say it’s becoz he’s trying to seize all the advantages of ZG so he is being treated this way. Yup, Xing is a light-listener, he listens to others and believes easily. So, he is really easy to get manipulated though he is easy to calm/bluff as well. Tell him something and he will believe it easily. But once got bitten, u gonna lose all his trust in u.. It’s gonna be hard to regain that trust.. Becoz his mind is made up this way.. Even though u would tell him the truth, he will not believe it entirely.. Even though he dun believe it, he also will not tell.. But there’ll be signs of disbelief.. Sigh.. Xing is hard to please, so pls stay away from him.. He’s not worth it anyway.. Just like how ZG abandoned him, just do it..

Indeed ever since ZG and Xing never tok to each other, Xing’s popularity had dropped.. It’s like a karma.. Oh yes.. It’s payback time.. Muahahaha.. Sigh.. No more ppl gonna challenge him in scoring high for tests and exams. No more ppl gonna jio him go play King of Fighters. No more ppl gonna jio him go play basketball.. Basketball will only reminds him of the incident.. Well, Xing is a very forgiving person but he will never forgets.. He is not being petty, that’s just his nature. Some says he is sentimental. Well, maybe..

Xing’s thoughts: Only if memories can be erased or edited, please. Cut away my bad moments, remove them forever. Painful is not as painful as bad memories that are unable to be forgotten.. So tired being jailed in memories.. One is consider too much to handle, yet more and more bad memories being created.. Maybe it shld be labeled as nightmares instead.. The unwanted memories.. Only death can take it away.. Life sux..

Well, it’s merely just a beginning.. There’s no end to shits. Like someone always said, shits happen, just hope it wun happen that often. Anyway, shits are part and parcel of life.. Ppl can’t live without shitting ah.. Shitting is the purpose of removing waste food and toxics from the body.. Anyway just continue the story.

Xing’s 2^nd uncle had bought a flat at Jurong, somewhere at near Chinese Garden MRT. He told granny to sell the current flat and keep the money. Then he asked Xing if he wanna come over to stay with them.. It’s a 5-room flat, 3 rooms. Master bedroom for the owner and his wife, another room for granny and a spare room vacant. He said when he was young he yearn for a room of his own but it was impossible so saying that he can understand Xing’s feeling as Xing’s family is way below average.. Xing was overjoyed.. But he forgot the word, Cherish.

Going back home from sch is tedious.. Gotta take bus 32 to commonwealth then transfer to bus 198. The whole journey took more than an hr plus waiting time.. It was boring traveling home alone daily and had to wakey early to go sch.. As time passes, he got used to it and gotten few mates traveling together.. Gordon had moved to Holland Drive so he is also taking bus 32. Benedict staying at Dover so he is taking bus 32 & 198. Francis is staying at Clementi so he is taking bus 32 & 198. Overall, half of Xing’s journey is being accompanied but this is the start of rotting..

Ben’s family is quite well-to-do so he is often shopping at Queensway. There’s once he asked Xing along when he wanted to go there buy something as well as for a game or two on King of Fighters, Xing went. At that time, Xing’s mind is still being jailed on the ZG’s thing.. Ben is a smoker and he always hide at the staircase and smoke. That time Xing accompany him. Ben only left with 2 sticks of Marlboro Mentol Lights so he’s thinking of finishing it so that he dun have to bring home at all since he can’t smoke at home.. Lighted one and he asked Xing to help him hold while he gonna light another. Xing just took over the cigarettes and immediately put it to his mouth and inhaled. Ben was stunned and asked, “Hey! I din know u smoked! Lolx! Shocking!” Xing looked at him without saying a word and carry on smoking.. That’s how Xing resumed smoking in sec 3..

Francis repeats his sec 3 so he is in the same class as us. He is under probation at the moment due to fighting. Everyday he had to reach home in time waiting for the officer to call to check on him. Well, despite his records, he is really a nice guy. Brotherly enough, knows how to take care of ppl. He used to be from HK(a gang) but no longer stick with them ever since he gana the probation.. Turning a new life eh.. It’s hard to be a good guy.

Gordon’s dad business isn’t doing very good so they had to move down to a smaller flat leaving their condo vacant to be rented, earning a little cash.. But doesn’t seems to be able to find any..

Xing is indeed not a homely person at all. Sometimes he would either go to Ben’s place or Francis’s place or Gordon’s place to stay.. Sometimes also come back to his own home. Ben’s place got computer so they would go play irc. Francis’s place got playstation so they would play games. Gordon’s place is his fave, got computer & playstation. Xing stayed at Gordon’s place the most. Playing irc challenging see who can get most number within a time limit. Playing playstation challenging on the soccers as well as some other games. Playing the latest pc games like Heroes of Might & Magic. Another place is worth mentioning. Gordon’s vacant condo. Lolx! That’s the best place for Gordon, Francis and Xing. No idea why Ben dun like it. Anyway, there’s computer, swimming pool, gym, rollerblades and most important….. No government!!! Muahahahahaha!!! A pity that Francis cannot stay overnight.. Thus, we would go there on Saturdays morning meeting around 6.30am and move out at 7am(coz Francis can only leave house at 7am) to Ginza Plaza for breakfast. Then from there take bus 10 direct to Upper East Coast. When they reached they would go and put their things and relax then go for a morning swim. Shiok!! The pool is all theirs!! Then after that go blading at the carpark at basement 1. That’s the place where Xing learns how to blade.. But till now he still dunno how to blade properly.. Sometimes they would go Bedok for food.. They love stingray. $8 per plate shared by 3. It’s darn spicy but they love it.. They will head for home around 5.30pm coz Francis had to reach home and wait for call.. Sigh.. But anyway, he only left with few more mths only.. Pray nothing happens and extend his probation..

In class there’s this gal called Sandy. Quite a pretty ah lian. Our uniform top is white and she always wear sky blue bra or yellow bra. =.=” Typical ah lian. However, we urge Francis to get her.. Coz he is the most handsome among us. Well, it’s meant to be a bet that he can’t get her.. But he did.. Zzzzzzzzz. Well, he’s good with gals. But anyway, the gal was being ditched very soon coz Francis got bored easily due to easy catch.. Then next came Gordon’s sister.. This time we thought he’s gonna be serious coz it’s a friend’s sister.. Gordon’s sis, Valerie, is quite chio, also a bit ah lian but she sure knows how to doll up herself. Much better in terms of character as compared to Sandy though Sandy is older. Anyway, it also doesn’t last long..

Xing had never been in love. He came to know this net friend named Sherry. Her voice is not bad, quite sweet. Without seeing each other, they came together and communicate through pagers. Lolx.. Yup, ‘wtf’ some said. Anyway, it doesn’t work out at all. Complete crap. It’s not even love.

Synopsis: More shits to come. Turning life.