I may not know ur little movements, i may not know how to be ti tie to send u up to ur doorstep without fail, i may not know how to read ur mind without u saying so, i may not know how to open my car door for u, i may not know what u really like to eat and what u dun like to eat, but well becoz i'm not you.. Since i hated myself all along, i would not try to think of u as myself.. I would not go after u juz like how i would give up when i felt i got the chance.. I would rather run away than to even 'try'.. Ex-bitch hated that word 'try' when i said it.. Well, i never wanted to try anything.. Once decided, i would want it for eternity till impossible.. Side dishes aren't essential and i always dun want side dishes coz all along i knew that Starter & Main Course & Desert are all i needed. I dun need additional colours nor special toppings.. Haha.. I'm juz traditional. I'm sorry for not being myself.. I always believe in letting go.. One of them is married and blissfully living. Another is also married with next gen though 'cracked' but i still believe in her abandoning me for a good reason. The other is still single but well, i can feel the happiness in them. =) Running away is not a choice and everyone knows that running away is painful as well.. It's an option to learn to be stronger not to fall back..
Many asked me if i'm already attached.. Lolx.. Reality is cruelty. Virtuality is beautiful. What's fake and what's real? I myself do not know the answer and how am i gonna give an answer..? I only yearn for time. I may be juz a temp or she may be juz a temp.. Mere words and sound.. Karen Sia, what do u think i shld do...? You would be the only one in my life who would understand me the best in my current situation now...
So many things seems to be coming to my mind juz becoz time is little.. Lolx.. I'm such a bad boy all along... Regretting is not the way out but think for the future is the way out no matter what the future may brings.. One don't focus on the 'problems' to solve the problems but focus on the 'solutions' to solve the problems..
Watched 下一站，幸福 till ep 6.. Well, why her hairstyle so like her.. Eyes not so big only but also the demure type, shy type.. Nabeiz.. =.=" She really becoz of him and his condition then gave up..? That would mean i selfishly trying to 'own' her when everyone dissuade me to leave her then she cannot breathe and run away alone.. Even when talking to me is so damn strong and firm on the last day.. =.=" I would not forget her everything..
20 January, 2010
This "strong" little gal is still like a little gal.. She can hide so well and present herself always at her best no matter wat.. Though temper can be real short at times.. =.=" Well, no matter how strong she is.. A sudden sms from her "i broke off with him already.." and was like in the middle of the night.. Immediate action would be calling her.. Listen to her crying and complaining, with a little useless speeches from me..
Why i'm always like a pillar support for so many.. Haha.. Yet none is a suitable pillar support to me when i'm needy.. 'suitable' as in, i would really call/ask for it rather than avoiding one after another.. Maybe blog is my only pillar support.. Haha..
Accompany her till late almost like as if i belonged to her and allowed her to be like a morning glory and cling on to me as a support.. Then when attraction on the other side occurs, i would force down everything heartlessly, or almost heartlessly.. Well, i'm not needed anymore though still acting like a morning glory still needing and angry me for abandoning.. I dun really walk the path together for forever..
My nature is to back off when felt a little not really needed liao.. I said before, i'm like a stupid acting bf to whoever close to me. I can do stupid things that even friends can kpkb me and ask me why am i so good to another when she's not even my gf. The extra miles are personal and i'm not answerable to any of what i did or what i gonna do. That's my freedom so dun restrict it.. Birds do not like to be caged.
Wat if i were to say that i'm gonna book the air tix to bkk on the 8th Feb and coming back on the 11th Feb, going there juz to meet a FRIEND and i'm going ALONE, yes a gal friend juz a friend only, as her bday is on the 31st Jan while mine on the 27th Jan so i wanted to celebrate a belated with her. Well, already got one kpkb and pester me bring her go liao as she dun wan me to be owned nor wan me to go alone..
PS: This thai gal is not those two in the pic i taken in my FB. =.="
Almost everyday i'm on blackberry messenger with her.. Well, i dunno.. Juz like Rebecca's post of that article and my comment on her shoutbox.. Gals are to be protected not otherwise.. Naturally, instincts told me what to do..
HOWEVER, there are some disgusting pests. Looked so ugly and i'm fine with it but then still like want every piece of me. FUCK YOU. Juz like a gal seeing a guy and can read his mind "I juz wanna bed you". That's juz an example. Hello. =.="
"I feel like going genting for holiday..."
"Why not come bkk?"
"Why bkk when i got bday treat free hotel room for a day at genting? I go bkk stay ur place? haha.."
"Go hotel lah!"
"I also know... But i scared sleeping alone in a hotel.."
"I accompany u slp. ^^"
It's not the "accompanying" that makes me wanna go there.. =.=" It's her thoughts that attracted me to wanting to go.. Nabeiz i kept attracting and getting attracted to gals older than me.. =.=" I mean those slightly older lah not very much older de.. My max till 31 now and min till 25.. I'm not interested in "kids" though some are not lah.. Reality bites. =) Grow up and i can consider.. What do i want, what's my aim, what am i looking forward to, what i hate, what i enjoy the most.
Some can be like dumbfolded by the crazy things that i would do and things that i would not do.. I'm not easy to be read afterall.. It's a self-defence system.. Be true to me and u might not get the same answer.. Be fake to me and u will get an almost immediate answer. I might not be clever but i'm not stupid. I'm a bad guy not worth anything.. Unless i decided u are my everything..
Keith is a smart guy. =) But dun try to understand me too much or guessed me too much.. It's tough trying to act stupid and releasing confusion gas. =.="
I made myself confused what's real and what's fake.. Living in such new divide of life is torturous but reality is cruel. Matrix system had to be activated.. Complications.. But i dun care.. Coz afterall 'forever' lies in me, myself and i..
Xuehui used to insist that i'm her best friend. Well, impossible.. Dun decide things for me.. My 'best friend group' is the only group that we all been thru fun, sorrow, happiness, laughter, tears, loves, hates, and many many things that bond us together.. Multiple ways and not juz one-sided, most impt is naturally..
The rest is mainly i'm the one who is forking out and withdrew when i'm the one needing.. Even being showered with care, i would refrained and withdrawal occurs... I juz dun feel comfy with anyone else other than that group... Unless it's someone special and i decided on her then her burden would be so huge... Haha.. I would shamelessly juz fall and let go without withdrawing.. It's a two-way-traffic anyway.. If no trust in ur partner then no point le.. Juz like dancing, would u really go on and jump onto the person when he/she is supposed to catch u and break ur fall..?
Nevertheless, new home might be on the way already.. I can visualize it.. Looking forward to it.. Maybe no need to count the days anymore.. =) A broken home can be a great home too..
Why i'm always like a pillar support for so many.. Haha.. Yet none is a suitable pillar support to me when i'm needy.. 'suitable' as in, i would really call/ask for it rather than avoiding one after another.. Maybe blog is my only pillar support.. Haha..
Accompany her till late almost like as if i belonged to her and allowed her to be like a morning glory and cling on to me as a support.. Then when attraction on the other side occurs, i would force down everything heartlessly, or almost heartlessly.. Well, i'm not needed anymore though still acting like a morning glory still needing and angry me for abandoning.. I dun really walk the path together for forever..
My nature is to back off when felt a little not really needed liao.. I said before, i'm like a stupid acting bf to whoever close to me. I can do stupid things that even friends can kpkb me and ask me why am i so good to another when she's not even my gf. The extra miles are personal and i'm not answerable to any of what i did or what i gonna do. That's my freedom so dun restrict it.. Birds do not like to be caged.
Wat if i were to say that i'm gonna book the air tix to bkk on the 8th Feb and coming back on the 11th Feb, going there juz to meet a FRIEND and i'm going ALONE, yes a gal friend juz a friend only, as her bday is on the 31st Jan while mine on the 27th Jan so i wanted to celebrate a belated with her. Well, already got one kpkb and pester me bring her go liao as she dun wan me to be owned nor wan me to go alone..
PS: This thai gal is not those two in the pic i taken in my FB. =.="
Almost everyday i'm on blackberry messenger with her.. Well, i dunno.. Juz like Rebecca's post of that article and my comment on her shoutbox.. Gals are to be protected not otherwise.. Naturally, instincts told me what to do..
HOWEVER, there are some disgusting pests. Looked so ugly and i'm fine with it but then still like want every piece of me. FUCK YOU. Juz like a gal seeing a guy and can read his mind "I juz wanna bed you". That's juz an example. Hello. =.="
"I feel like going genting for holiday..."
"Why not come bkk?"
"Why bkk when i got bday treat free hotel room for a day at genting? I go bkk stay ur place? haha.."
"Go hotel lah!"
"I also know... But i scared sleeping alone in a hotel.."
"I accompany u slp. ^^"
It's not the "accompanying" that makes me wanna go there.. =.=" It's her thoughts that attracted me to wanting to go.. Nabeiz i kept attracting and getting attracted to gals older than me.. =.=" I mean those slightly older lah not very much older de.. My max till 31 now and min till 25.. I'm not interested in "kids" though some are not lah.. Reality bites. =) Grow up and i can consider.. What do i want, what's my aim, what am i looking forward to, what i hate, what i enjoy the most.
Some can be like dumbfolded by the crazy things that i would do and things that i would not do.. I'm not easy to be read afterall.. It's a self-defence system.. Be true to me and u might not get the same answer.. Be fake to me and u will get an almost immediate answer. I might not be clever but i'm not stupid. I'm a bad guy not worth anything.. Unless i decided u are my everything..
Keith is a smart guy. =) But dun try to understand me too much or guessed me too much.. It's tough trying to act stupid and releasing confusion gas. =.="
I made myself confused what's real and what's fake.. Living in such new divide of life is torturous but reality is cruel. Matrix system had to be activated.. Complications.. But i dun care.. Coz afterall 'forever' lies in me, myself and i..
Xuehui used to insist that i'm her best friend. Well, impossible.. Dun decide things for me.. My 'best friend group' is the only group that we all been thru fun, sorrow, happiness, laughter, tears, loves, hates, and many many things that bond us together.. Multiple ways and not juz one-sided, most impt is naturally..
The rest is mainly i'm the one who is forking out and withdrew when i'm the one needing.. Even being showered with care, i would refrained and withdrawal occurs... I juz dun feel comfy with anyone else other than that group... Unless it's someone special and i decided on her then her burden would be so huge... Haha.. I would shamelessly juz fall and let go without withdrawing.. It's a two-way-traffic anyway.. If no trust in ur partner then no point le.. Juz like dancing, would u really go on and jump onto the person when he/she is supposed to catch u and break ur fall..?
Nevertheless, new home might be on the way already.. I can visualize it.. Looking forward to it.. Maybe no need to count the days anymore.. =) A broken home can be a great home too..
17 January, 2010
New Divide (Oh yeah! =D )
I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide
In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Across this new divide, across this new divide
14 January, 2010
Stupid..
Really shld not have.. Pain pain pain.. Now listening to 我的回忆不是我的 while i type this entry. NABEIZ..
Juz finished my ep 11 of HPTX.. Super ouch.. Fark man.. The inability to get the actual answer or izzit it's already the actual answer..? A knot that forever left a secret, forever unable to reveal..
The memories.. The moments.. The joy and sorrow.. So, am i juz a life buoy or izzit becoz particular reason juz to protect me..? Again...? Not again...? For my own good...? Izzit really good to me.. Is that really what goddamn good i always wanted..?
Ever since that day i had forbid myself to recall, to think, to ponder for.. Ever since that drunken day.. Thot the other day at martin even though freaking drunk and my forbidden still strong enuff to stop it...? THEN WHAT THE FARK AM I FEELING INSIDE RIGHT NOW..?!
I always controlled myself not really post watever fark shit juz becoz there are ppl around who surely got influenced by my emotions.. I only wanna share fun things, happy moments, craps and stupid things.. But this time i really can't stop myself liao.. Beyond control.. Raining already.. Thot all had been begone..?
Trying hard to try harder but it juz doesn't seems to wanna go away.. Pain.. She did not left entirely... Unable to.. Or maybe i still dun wan her to leave juz yet without undoing that knot.. I can only drive past there, drive around where she stays.. Tried my chance to get her to come on the 26th... But seems failed miserably.. Total lost like in the wide ocean..........
I already dunno how to use life buoy.. I wanna struggle all this thru myself.. Even though i might get drown but doesn't matter.. Had drown so many times anyway... In fact i dread of care and concern.. So, please dun ask me wat's wrong.. It's not my type to go around telling ppl full details.. Even if asked, merely bits and pieces.. So wat's the point..
Damn my eyes are tired already.. Argh...
Nevermind, when i sign-out from here, i'll be back the mischievous and irritating Rick/Xing.. Anyway no friends had truly called me by my right name.. Coz this is what i wanted them to call me...
"我叫伟兴”
“哦，伟兴啊”
“你叫我伟星就好了”
“好啊，伟星。可是为设么不让我叫你伟兴呢？”
“习惯了，呵呵”
“小猪宝宝。我在我的电话簿改了！呵！ =P”
To face memories is so freaking difficult! NABEIZ! Shit lah.. Tml how to go work sia... haha.. hahaha... lolx.. rofl.. rofl.. lmao.. roflmao...
I shld not carry on that show.. Neither for the rest of any shows.. Neither for any gals.. Full focus on my game and work. Waste time waste water.
Omg i'm hungry.. And.. I felt like going ECP eat.. Alone of coz.. I wun allow the sober me in this state to be shown. Never.. If drunk then maybe bo bian lor.. HAHaha.h.ah..aa...ha..a.a.aa.
Sometimes not that i do not wanna go after another.. No point deceiving myself going for another.. Maybe i shld really stick on to my plan and order a wife sua lah.... 1yr and 2mths left liao.. Even though we are over but i'm still counting... Maybe this is my only timeline bah.. The only timeline that i really live for..
Dun feel like staying at home now.. Really feel like running out now but i'm so tired already.. Maybe tml nite bah.. Need some silence to relax... By the sea? Or by shall i by the cliff? Shld i bring our tent to the beach? Or behind vivo where the 1st affection occurs? I still yearn for that shy face... darn..
Tired liao.. Need rest le..
Juz finished my ep 11 of HPTX.. Super ouch.. Fark man.. The inability to get the actual answer or izzit it's already the actual answer..? A knot that forever left a secret, forever unable to reveal..
The memories.. The moments.. The joy and sorrow.. So, am i juz a life buoy or izzit becoz particular reason juz to protect me..? Again...? Not again...? For my own good...? Izzit really good to me.. Is that really what goddamn good i always wanted..?
Ever since that day i had forbid myself to recall, to think, to ponder for.. Ever since that drunken day.. Thot the other day at martin even though freaking drunk and my forbidden still strong enuff to stop it...? THEN WHAT THE FARK AM I FEELING INSIDE RIGHT NOW..?!
I always controlled myself not really post watever fark shit juz becoz there are ppl around who surely got influenced by my emotions.. I only wanna share fun things, happy moments, craps and stupid things.. But this time i really can't stop myself liao.. Beyond control.. Raining already.. Thot all had been begone..?
Trying hard to try harder but it juz doesn't seems to wanna go away.. Pain.. She did not left entirely... Unable to.. Or maybe i still dun wan her to leave juz yet without undoing that knot.. I can only drive past there, drive around where she stays.. Tried my chance to get her to come on the 26th... But seems failed miserably.. Total lost like in the wide ocean..........
I already dunno how to use life buoy.. I wanna struggle all this thru myself.. Even though i might get drown but doesn't matter.. Had drown so many times anyway... In fact i dread of care and concern.. So, please dun ask me wat's wrong.. It's not my type to go around telling ppl full details.. Even if asked, merely bits and pieces.. So wat's the point..
Damn my eyes are tired already.. Argh...
Nevermind, when i sign-out from here, i'll be back the mischievous and irritating Rick/Xing.. Anyway no friends had truly called me by my right name.. Coz this is what i wanted them to call me...
"我叫伟兴”
“哦，伟兴啊”
“你叫我伟星就好了”
“好啊，伟星。可是为设么不让我叫你伟兴呢？”
“习惯了，呵呵”
“小猪宝宝。我在我的电话簿改了！呵！ =P”
To face memories is so freaking difficult! NABEIZ! Shit lah.. Tml how to go work sia... haha.. hahaha... lolx.. rofl.. rofl.. lmao.. roflmao...
I shld not carry on that show.. Neither for the rest of any shows.. Neither for any gals.. Full focus on my game and work. Waste time waste water.
Omg i'm hungry.. And.. I felt like going ECP eat.. Alone of coz.. I wun allow the sober me in this state to be shown. Never.. If drunk then maybe bo bian lor.. HAHaha.h.ah..aa...ha..a.a.aa.
Sometimes not that i do not wanna go after another.. No point deceiving myself going for another.. Maybe i shld really stick on to my plan and order a wife sua lah.... 1yr and 2mths left liao.. Even though we are over but i'm still counting... Maybe this is my only timeline bah.. The only timeline that i really live for..
Dun feel like staying at home now.. Really feel like running out now but i'm so tired already.. Maybe tml nite bah.. Need some silence to relax... By the sea? Or by shall i by the cliff? Shld i bring our tent to the beach? Or behind vivo where the 1st affection occurs? I still yearn for that shy face... darn..
Tired liao.. Need rest le..
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