It's been quite some time since i last post. Actually quite a lot of things to post juz that lazy to login and post them.. bleahz =P I'm afterall juz like a pig slacking off at home day after day.. Wasting my life away day after day.. I hate life without life.. Haiz.. Not working is indeed boring. Haiz. Actually lotsa ppl wish they had the free time all by themselves.. I had it now but i dun seems to enjoy it at all..

I gave up a higher pay job for a lower one and i dun seems to get the attention i want. I dun seems to be an essential person to that new company.. Quite sad.. I hate being not appreciated.. Being it to others or to friends. Sian. I'm gonna give that company a few more days grace. By then if still no news i'm off to another company. I wun go and chase them whether when can i start work or heck like i care. I can jolly well find another company who needs me more or rather appreciate me more.

I'm a weird person. Once i'm pissed off with a person, that person wun even know. Unless he/she is sensative enuff to feel it. Of coz, i will still go out with him/her but my attitude would be somehow diff from wat he/she used to know me. Not much in my 'pissed-list' though, only a handful of them. Anyway, without me their life is still as per normal so i dun care much. Afterall i'm a bad guy not worthy to be their friend. All i wish for such ppl is very simple, juz leave me alone. My temper had toned down a lot but, there's still an impending eruption anytime. I exploded once in camp and i dun not wish for another coz it was so unsightful for him/her. But anyway, things can get better by chance. There was actually one person who was about to get into my list liao but in the end also dunno how come she did not got in. haha..

This world is indeed so small. I came to realised that Erica's bf is my friend. My secondary sch mate, gordon. A friend for abt 8yrs i guess. He also very power de lah. He 1st time met Erica on the 14th of this mth and they got together on the 14th. Lolx. Anyway good for them. At least this way Erica will not be going clubbing that often anymore.. Hehe.. This guy ah.. He almost everything also tell me de. lolx.. A very naive guy indeed. Though as a friend, he is not a very friend but as a bf, he's a very nice bf. =) He ah.. Some things shld not mentioned he also will tell me de.. Haiz.. But anyway, doesn't really matters.. =P knn Erica even tell him i seized the chance and hug her that day when she is drunk... =.= Wah lao eh.. >_< ya lah ya lah, i'm such a person so everyone pls stay away from me from now onwards. =)

That day Xuehui wants to go East Coast Park but she dunno how to cycle and no one wants to cycle a double bike with her. Then dunno why she cried also. =.=" Was izzit becoz my words are too harsh on her? Or was izzit becoz she was left alone and felt sad? I wun know coz i was never told. Never know, of coz i wun care much. Anyway, reluctantly i still went on to East Coast Park to see how she's doing. Shan was staying nearby there, thus, i meet up with her then go ECP find Xuehui and her friends. Shan was so hyper that day.. lolx. We are machiam super close friends like that.. But anyway, we are not. I'm not that fortunate. =) When we reached there, the 1st thing that happened was Xuehui asked shan if she is Celena. =.=" Coz i did mentioned i wanted to meet Celena 1st but she dun have the time so i din meet her. Shan was shocked by the remark though.. She asked me how come XH so fierce de..? Was quite unhappy with that though i said nothing.. That wasn't a way to shoot a question juz like that lor.. That scareded 'my shan'.. lolx! 'my shan', these two words was mentioned by someone else de.. =.=" Haiz.. Anyway, i meet up with XH they all liao, she immediately say she want to go cycle liao. then ok lor, luckily i got shan to accompany me have dinner. ^^

How come so many ppl says that i'm such a flirt? =.=" Do i look like one? Please lor.. I believe i'm not one coz i know i'm not handsome and somemore i'm not a 'shui bian' person lor.. =.= Few ppl had asked me how many gf i had before.. Even my close friends also dunno.. lolx.. Actually, i know not much but i seriously dun know.. And most important of all is, i'm clean with all my ex.. This i can swear lor.. But swear also no use, coz no one will believe de.. Ok lah, in fact i only slept with one of my ex.. I say 'slept' not that chim 'slept' lor.. That was dunno how many yrs ago liao during my secondary.. That time we went to a chalet at East Coast and she lives at Tampiness.. We were not thinking of spending the night there de but somehow we stay there until quite late at abt 2am+.. Then she needs to go home and yet dun wan me to spend the money to take a cab home due to surcharges.. Thus i walk her home and she asked me go over to her place and stay till morning.. Her parents are very strict on her de thus i had to silently enter and leave her house.. That day went her place we din do anything but juz lay on the bed waiting for the alarm clock to ring.. I hug her on her bed and ask her to take a rest while i try to stay awake and wait for the time to come.. I can't afford to fall asleep and got her into trouble if i overslept and if her parents saw us.. Though that time was merely a few hrs but the feeling was great. Can see her happiness on her face.. haha.. Well, no one would believe i prefered hug than sex de.. =.=" Not that i dun wan nor i dare not but i dun wish to.. It's not an essential thing for relationship nor it's everything.. For me, it's nothing but for gals, it might be something or even everything.. For most guys, it's juz a form of pleasure. Well, several minutes of pleasure can lead to several months of pain..

For some ppl they come to think that am i really a gay. Well, i'm always straight. All thanks to my camp-mate that day.. Thus i've got totally no interest in guys. I can easily have feelings for gals but often not said.. Some things are best kept in silent than to reveal it.. Revealing it might invite more troubles.. haiz..

How long was it ever since i broke off with karen...? Ever since then, i have not gotten another liao.. I've long count of the days and months and years liao.. I've found one but can't be with her at the meantime for some reasons.. Due to not wanting me to wait for her, she even suggest me go on with my life with another. Coz we never know when will be the ripe time.. Haiz.. She knows i'll still give unconditionally and somehow she dun wan to put me in this state which makes her kinda guilty as if it is her fault in getting me into this.. Love is love, there's no why.. If really wanna make me get on with another, think u gotta stab me with a knife of pain... But there's one thing for sure, there's no way back.. "I never turn my head to look back.." Next time being friends might not be as close as before liao coz i know i'll fall into the web again thus i would refrain.. Indeed a tough choice to make.. Aquarius are borned leader rather than follower.. However, for this situation i decide to be a follower.. Show me that path.. Path of Light or Path of Dark, i'll face it. No matter watever might come. Ming tian shi you ming tian shuo. Taking a step at a time is the best.. In every relationship there bound to be ups and downs, there's no avoid to all the ups or the downs. Nothing is perfect. =)

Goddamnit!!! I can't get to slp!! >_< Actually it's my own fault.. Wakey at late noon yest.. hehe.. Really slp like a pig sia.. =P Bleahz. Long time no slp until so shiok liao lor.. Another reason for not able to get to slp is becoz of shan.. She msg me at abt 2.40am.. saying "One day if i die please smile.." Erm, if she were to die, how the hell am i going to smile?!?! If it were t0 be my dad, i can. But now is totally different story lor. Oh my god, tell me wat to do.. I'm really getting outta ideas and reasons to talk her round.. Even made known to her my life since young; no matter how freaking hard my goddamn farking life is i still persist on, hanging on to my life till my last breath, fighting all the hardships and no matter what i never give up though dunno how many millions time i oredi wanted to give up, enduring thru all the shame and pain and never give up no matter how much blood came flowing outta me.. She knew most of this more than anyone else. Coz we are in almost the same boat..

Shan, listen to me. Life isn't waste as long as u live it to the fullest. U kept saying being able to go Taiwan is so good, Have you even tried saving up for the trip? Dun tell me it is impossible coz it can be possible for me then why can't you? Was your situation worst than mine? Think abt it. How many things in life u wanted to do but yet to do? Come on, love isn't everything. I told you liao, if love is everything, in this world there would not have any monks and nuns liao. Do you really need a bf to take care of u? I've seen gals who had lived till my age and they did not have had any bf before, does that mean they are much more pathetic than you?

I'm not telling u having a bf is no good but u gotta know when to be dependent and when to be independent.. Guys only mah, u scared dun have meh? The streets are full of them. I really dunno wat to say liao.. Well, if u really think that your path of life is so tough and u needed a person to walk ur life with you, i can accompany you. Juz like how i wanted to warm u against the coldness in you that day.. I juz dun wanna you to escape from reality.. If you really dare not face it alone, lemme face it with ya..

That day i learnt that ruyou had broke off with her bf. She saw her bf's ex's friendster having their together pic in it. Indeed, it aroused something.. Why did she still put the photo up there even though her bf and her ex had broke off long ago? What is the reason for that? Well, certain things had to be clarified clearly before jumping into any conclusion.. I juz can't anyhow jump into any conclusion juz becoz i saw my gf(if i had any) going out with another guy, taking neoprint together, dancing on the bartop together, going out for movie together, or watsoever. If i dun clarified my uneasy, i will never get the truth. Is she doing juz to spite me coz of something i did wrong? Is she doing it without any reason but juz friends? The feeling being misunderstood is painful. This applies to both parties.. Either one party had to make the 1st move, if not eternally the problem will not be solved even though final is a break-off or remain in silent.. Sometimes such things are inevitable.. What comes around goes around. What will leave will leave; what will stay will stay.. Haiz..

Being in love can be so fan; being single can be so fan as well.. Well, that's life and i've faced it instead of running away. What abt you ppl?

I hate ppl who dun keep their promises and those who made empty promises. Damn pissed off with such ppl. Why do i hate it so much? Coz i'm brought up this way. And Those i hate are my kin. Well, so be it. This is my fucking life. Who ppl broke their promises weren't that bad though.

For example, i ask a friend to help me bring my dog go see a vet, in the end he/she forgot totally abt it and din even bother to tell me. What if the dog really dies? Fark. If he/she were to break his/her promise, i can be like "Fine, i bring it to the vet myself". Many ppl knew me that i'm not a petty person. Seldom gets angry. Even if really got angry, it wun lasts, at most 2days. What the fuck sia! Promising is easy. Dun go around promising others as if it's like nothing. Where's the fucking responsibilities after promising?

I loved being confided but i hate ppl who treat my goodwill as nothing. Ppl who dun appreaciate it are ppl who are not worth ME sparing my care and concern for them. I got a lot such friends though. There are some who can ask me to confide in them whenever i need to let out, be it happy or sad even if i were to get them into my mood they also wun mind. Same goes for me, when i ask ppl to confide in me, i'm glad. Afterall i'm needed. Thanks shan. Currently u are the only one who confide in me in everything. Be it regarding ur friends, ur family, ur problems, ur bf, etc. You dun even consider whether will i get influenced by ur mood or not, dun even consider whether will i get jealous or not, dun even consider whether will i be fan for you or not.. This is one thing i love abt her. Dare to say, i dare to listen. Dare to say something sweet, i still will not run away juz becoz of paiseh. Instead, i'm glad and i will not refrain myself from treating u good. I dun live forever, but i'm very glad to have you as my friend. I remembered a person. Knew her thru my game and she is shan's friend. Her name is TPL aka Tan Peiling. There was once i had constant contact with her. There was once she told me that she was at Cineleisure and the lanshop is closing and she do not have any money to go home and she got no money to eat. I offered her that i can go down to meet her and treat her some food as well as sending her home but she kept saying nevermind, dun ma fan me. A 14-yr-old gal alone out at Orchard and intending to walk home all the way to Bedok.. Siao. Of coz i'll be worried lah. Afterall shan's friend is also my friend. But still, in the end she still decline my goodwill. I'm fed-up with that. Kaoz. Nothing to say. Ma fan is me who ma fan, care so much for wat. Watever.

Sian. I'm out of job liao. Today was my last day. Haiz.. I know i'm hard to please.. Wanna quit and now i've got it and yet i'm sad.. haiz.. sian.. But wat makes me more sian is this: Two person of two different worlds are not meant to be together; Two person of the same world are not meant to be together as well.. There's always give and take, this is nature. An 'ACTIVE' being with a 'PASSIVE' is normal coz in theory there compromise more than any kind of combinations.. However, these are not true in some.. I wish i'm wrong abt this.. I'm tired.. Anyway, i'm not working for the time being. I hope these time can make me straighten out my thoughts..

Yesterday nite i went to Tan Tock Seng Hospital to see Erica.. I left my home at abt 11pm.. She said that she got gastric and was admitted into the hospitalthe day before.. =.=" She was put on drip.. The needle poking into her skin on her left hand looks painful.. >_<>_<>_< Wah lao.. So jialat.. Before i go, i help her to her bed and cover her blanket.. Now then i know she can be girly when she's ill.. Haha.. She was complaining softly but in pain to me that "very pain.. stomach pain.. hand pain.. ass pain..." Giggling a bit though really in pain.. I pat her on her head and asked her to rest bah.. Dun think so much so that the pain might lessen a bit.. Haiz.. Today she felt much better liao.. But dunno she discharged liao mah.. I told her to let me know when she discharged.. So worry abt her..

I've told my boss liao.. Finally, i guess.. Though when the news were broke him, he kept accusing us(me and my colleague, Jason) or rather only me, saying that we are playing him out.. As if we were trying to test and see if his company will fall if we were to play out on him.. haiz.. Darn sian.. I juz kept quiet and let him think wat he want to think, let him say wat he wanted to say.. Afterall, i need to act bad guy.. Haiz.. But anyway, it's indeed a great release for me.. ^^ At least it's not bottled up anymore.. If i were to feel sad for him, i might really continue working despite me not liking this job at all.. I shld not have started in the 1st place.. Only if i'm not being forced to work for him due to some circumstances.. Haiz.. Everything are interlinked.. I mean my 2 major stress of my life.. Sian.. But at least i've got great friends with me. ^_^ Life is afterall not a waste for me. =)

Actually there are some things i wanted to do but din carry out.. Neither did i even mentioned to anyone.. Some can be attained but not for the time being, some can be attained but seems pointless.. All these only got to do with one person, a gal.. Even as a friend, i would still like to do those for her.. Actually i dun wish to reveal that person.. Coz once she knows, she wun wan me to treat her this good.. maybe.. However, essential stuffs are fine with me.. ^^ OKIE, and the person is none other than..........Shan. =D

Wat are the things leh, actually nothing much lah.. hehe.. 1stly, she is super duper hard to contact. No tel and hp and she's mainly not at home.. =.=" Thus, i wanted to get her a hp coz hers had spoilt liao.. Even if it's merely a normal one, she also will be very happy de.. ^^ 2ndly, she's using prepaid card.. Which is very troublesome coz have to keep topping up.. Thus, i intend to get her a line using my name and paid for her every mth till she found a stable job.. 3rdly, her home is as chaotic as mine, thus, she dun like to go home de.. I actually intend to rent a room for her and let her stay but seems quite dangerous for a petite gal like her.. She's unlike Erica who is also renting a room and stay by herself. Erica is much more tougher than any gals i came across. Therefore, i intend to live with her so that the rental can be cut half for her and i can somehow protect her. Guys, dun think anyhow hor. >_< These are the current 3 things i wanna do for her.. The least i can help.. But i gotta settle my stuffs 1st.. Haiz.. If i still living with my uncle, i can straightaway ask her come over and stay liao.. No need to worry abt rental and computer and internet. She can have all the fun she want for Ragnarok. =/ Haiz.. See how things go lah..

Haiz.. I'm sorry gal.. Too much stress lately made me not myself.. I hate to be like this.. I hope next wk onwards my life can get better... Life getting better is not becoz of my decision as mentioned earlier and also not becoz of your decision. I'm so stupid not to have noticed how tong ku and xing ku you are now, though you never say.. I'm sorry, my gal..

Today i felt that i'm as if i'm in Carisa's shoe last time.. Two choices of a decision. One to follow the heart, another to suit others.. Giving in to others at the expense of self, a feeling hard to bear for not following own heart.. Giving it at the cost of hurting others, a sadness arise in others.. Due to the nature of the same character, both are a tough choice to make.. Really almost made me choose the third choice, to escape from reality.. Running away will not solve the problem though.. Today is indeed a long long day for me.. Been thinking and thinking and thinking.. No one i wanted to turn to except for The One, whom i always turn to for comfort.. It's not that there's totally no one to turn to but i juz dunno why.. I juz needed The One the most.. Juz a sms, a call, or a glance.. And i'll be contented.. However, i do not wish to add on her burden into getting her to worry abt my prob as she oredi had enuff.. I dun wanna add on anymore of her stress.. I dun wanna bother her when she herself is oredi at the peak of falling.. Though nothing heard of her.. I kinda miss her..

Anyway, if she were to read my blog, i guess i've added even more pressure on her.. It's all my fault.. I shouldn't have.. Only if we really have telepathy.. =( I've called off that decision.. I shall concentrate on my life for now. Not gonna think abt anything else but to settle my stuffs one by one.. 1stly, i need to settle my work. I've been dragging enuff.. It's time that i've come to a final choice.. Regardless of how others look at me, regardless of how heartless ppl thought how i'm, i'm gonna make that crucial decision tomorrow... It might shattered my boss's dream but somethings cannot be forced.. Mian qiang shi mei you xing fu de.. >_<>_< And somemore i dun go online chat de.. Even in online gaming.. Anyway, that doesn't matter coz it doesn't really matter to me liao. ^_^ Dun have then dun have lor.. Anyway, i've a group of GREAT FRIENDS. =D I love you ppl!! I'm glad i'm alive!! =P

Okie now, tml gonna carry out my 1st settlement. Wish me luck. Oyasuminasai~~ ^o^

I wonder if anyone had heard abt this story.. This is not the actual version coz i can't remember it clearly..

Long time ago, there is a kingdom in a distant land. In there, there are two person. The Princess of the kingdom and a young man who join the army of the kingdom. Since young, these two were 'qing mei zhu ma'. The two of them are a loving couple but they are not married yet. It was peaceful in the kingdom for many decades until one day, the neighbour decide to attack this kingdom. The young man who is a member of the army of the kingdom, has to go on and defend his kingdom. While the princess stays in the church and pray for his safety and victory return.. It is not an ordinary church. In the church, ppl worshipped the God of Time. Rumors had it said that if one's prayers come true, he/she can have his/her wish comes true.. During the war, the young man was killed in battle.. When the news came to the princess, she wept very bitterly.. Thus, she went to the church and pray to the God of Time everyday.. One day, her prayers comes true and the God reveal infront of her. The God ask her "Do you really wish to have your loved one to come back to life? Even though it will cause you your life?" The princess reply "Yes, I'm willing to give up my life for him.. Please.. Grant me this wish..(sob)" Therefore, the God granted the princess's wish and bring the young man back to life but the God took the princess's soul and leave the dead body in the church.. The young man woke up in the battlefield seeing dead bodies around him and an arrow shooting thru his stomach but he's alive. He thought to himself, what's going on? i should have died.. He broke the arrow and pull it out of his body and proceed on back to his kingdom. When he reach his kingdom, he heard the news of the princess who had died in the church. Immediately, he ran to the church. Indeed, he saw his loved one laying there infront of the statue of God. He rush over and held her up but she got no response.. He cried and shouted to the God "Why is it like this? I'm already back but she's gone!! What's the point of me living on without her?!?! Answer me if you are really a God!!" Suddenly, the God appeared before him and said "She sacrificed her life for you, why are you still not happy about it?" The young man reply "I would rather die instead of her dying for me! Please, let her live and take my life! I'm willing to exchange my life for her!!" The God was touched by the young man, thus, she granted his wish and return the princess's soul and took the young man's soul.. When the princess woke up, she found herself laying in the young man's arms and she was so glad that she hug him tight.. However, there are no response from the guy. Then she came to realise that he too gave up his life for her... She wept and said "Why is it so hard for us to be together? Why is heaven being so unfair?" She doesn't want to live anymore, but she knows that if she were to bring her guy back to life, he's gonna do the same.. Regardless of how many times the process repeat itself, they will never meant to be in this life.. Thus, she kiss the guy goodbye and turn to the God and said "Oh god, I'm willing to sacrifice my life. But this time is not for my love. We might died but our love will never die. Thus, please take my life and bring peace to the world eternally.."

Hai.. The origin is from D.N.Angel. There's supposed to have two versions. This one mentioned is similar to the 1st version. What a touching story to me.. It seems like looking at me myself.. I'm willing to take up anything regardless of how hard the path is gonna be if i were to be with her.. Even she were to face quite a lot of problems, i'm willing to take everything and let myself suffer it all.. However, she would still think the same for me.. Sparing a thought for others is always our priority.. sigh.. Xuehui once told me that Love is selfish.. Selfish at times is okie but not too much.. There's no entire right or wrong in everything we do..

Ma Xiaoling wants to love but dare not love. She wants to cry but cannot cry. Yet, there are some who can love but dare not love. Yet, there are some who can cry but don't wanna cry..

It's juz like how some rich ppl wasting their food away when they can eat. Yet, those from poorer countries had nothing to eat when they wanted to eat..

Haiz.. Love is like that.. There are bound to have ups and downs, happiness and sadness.. All these are facts of life.. It juz depends on each on how to handle it.. I'm not expecting anything anymore.. I juz hope she can get my AN HAO.. No matter how the future brings, i'm not gonna run away from reality, i'll face the music.. I had my confirm ground. It all depends on her now.. There are some things i shouldn't say.. But i still have to say it.. I'm tired.. Since she wanted me to be, i shall be.. Me and her are of the same kind.. Pretend to be happy even though not. Pretend to feel nothing even though sad. Juz becoz do not wish the other party to worry, keeping everything inside and let everything seems fine..

So, my decision is to give up. Give up all hopes. Give up all dreams. But of coz, friendship is not given up. I've given myself one week from now.. When the time comes, watever i do will not be following my heart.. It is mean but nothing outta me will be bad. I'll treat her as good as i can. To the best i can. Thus, i'll treat even better than wat i'm.. I'll give her all i have without leaving anything for myself...

A week is not too long, not too short.. I always dun like to force ppl.. An answer is all i need from the one.. Even though the answer given is not of immediate effort but wanted me to wait, i can still change this decision and wait. Afterall, i've waited for Winjean for yrs last time.. I can survive without love for a period but not forever.. Even though i said i'm waiting for an answer, i've oredi prepared for the worst.. Given her nature, most probably is either no answer at all or ask me to go ahead with my decision.. I keep my fingers crossed.. I will not bother her for the time being, telling her how sad i am, how much i drunk, how lonely i am. I do not need any sympathy but the true heart..

Ten stressful jobs have been given to me. One more stressful job makes no different to me coz i will still survive. This is my life. I dun mind having another stressful job, i'm only afraid i cannot have another stressful job...