Xing is quite sporting in school. He joined a lot of ECAs.. Drumming, Track & Field, Table Tennis, Badminton, Softball, etc. Well, maybe he’s naturally sporting; maybe it’s becoz of friends. He simply loves affections and attentions but often din get it. Anyway, he join whatever his friends join. Haha.. His temper is not good as well. He can blow off easily.. Well, actually he just want to attract attention by blowing up.. There’s once when he was cycling with friends at the basketball court near the neighborhood and there were some malay kids trying to play punks by throwing the ball at Xing. Having hit, Xing immediately jump off the bike letting the bike crashed and walked towards the bunch of punks. An angered face filled with killing intention flows and that startled the kids.. Many thought troubles might occur but nothing actually happened. Xing merely trying to scare them a bit and he succeeded. Xing doesn’t has a good temper but a short temper. He can flared in basically anything anyhow..

Primary 6 is the most interesting year. Xing is a naïve boy. Despite him being introvert, he is not afraid to say anything stupid.. Remember there was once when the trio gathers and talk abt who like who. JL says that there was this girl named Jeslyn who liked him YX says there was this girl named Karen who liked him. Having no news that who liked him, Xing simply exclaimed that he liked both girls.. Lolx.. And the news were being spread like wildfire throughout the whole school.. And of coz the news would get to the girls. Expected to be felt disgusted by his own remarks since Xing himself is a simply-bo-chap guy, amazingly nothing of sort happen..

Instead weird things happened.. The two girls actually felt honored and started to notice Xing. When Xing went for his soccer game, Jeslyn actually came and cheered for him. O.O When Xing was playing Chinese chess in class with his mate, Karen actually came over and shared his seat until she got teased then she walked away. When having remedial lessons by principal at AVA room, Xing was pulled to sit beside Jeslyn with Jeslyn’s so-called brother. And in there, they actually held hands.. O.O Nothing were said, just like that and days passed till the end of the year waiting for graduation. On the day of graduation, Karen’s best friend approached Xing and told Xing that Karen asked if they wanna go on steady but Xing simply rejected by saying, “Nope, I’m sorry but I dunno wat’s steady.” With that, both went their own ways without further contact..

Xing’s thoughts: I really dunno wat’s that for.. Being in a relationship, pronounced as bf/gf then after that wat’s supposed to happen next? Go out on dates but with no money how to go on dates? Confused yet curious but I’ll just leave it to time. As time will tells…

Upon graduation, Xing went to work part-time by selling Christmas cards at Orchard area with groups of friends including Jeslyn. Well, they were not together just working together. Working was tough, by selling the cards for $3.00 would be getting $1.00 as pay.. With the main characteristic of Xing, he only able to sell few cards per day.. So, he proceed on to door-to-door selling at Lengkok Bahru near Karen’s place and also did approached her mum. Well, actually he just wanted to see how’s Karen doing.. At that time there’s no such things as handphones and computers. Thus, Karen and Xing can only communicate thru snail mails.. Indeed, snails crawl slow. =.=

Victor found a new place to stay at Chin Swee Road. But it’s kind of rundown. Having a foldable bed placed outside the corridor. Yup, that’s the place they slept.. Anyway, better than no place to stay.. Though it’s kinda cold early in the morning but ok lah.. Still sleepable lah.. Slowly with the help of a friend, Victor finally got a new house at the 8^th floor. Ever since then, Xing moved back to live with his parents.. That’s why he chose Nan Chiau High School as his sec sch coz he can walk to and fro sch everyday.

Leading a different lifestyle. Xing will not be like last time, Xing will not be able to get wat he always wanted. Well, at least he finally got a place called home.. However, still the same. Xing is not a homely person at all. Asking him to stay will sound as if gotta cost his life.. Lolx. Thus, he got new neighborhood friends. Monkey, ah choi, dizhu, peizhen, etc. The swimming kakis as well as 4^th floor stoning kakis. Stoning as in gather at 4^th floor chitchatting, not the illegal stuffs. Xing would never touched that and he hated those. Coz those were the harmful substances that landed Victor into jail. And had also caused many lives on earth.. Sigh.. Those abusers only know how to escape from problems. Running away is a way out but not an eternal problem solver. Haiz.. Ya I know reality bites but it doesn’t kills. =.=”

There was this unforgettable event at Jalan Kukoh near Xing’s place. That noon he was with a friend at there. As they are walking from the bridge approaching the HDB building, they heard screams and shouting. The duo were stunned there. Suddenly a man covered with blood came running towards their direction and he bump onto Xing. Xing’s clothing was smeared with some blood. Xing was totally shocked and dumbfounded. He lost his sense on how he shld react to the situation. First encounter with close-up violent..

Another one was at Tiong Bahru. That time Xing went over to Victor’s friend’s place to stay over so as to attend the following day’s BBQ. That night another incident occurred.. Victor, Tee, Ling and Xing were all at there at the BBQ. Including Victor’s friends, mainly teenagers 20+ of age. Out of nowhere came this groups of youngster with motor helmets in their hands towards our direction and with the fill of killing intention. Xing sensed troubles.. One of the guys approached Victor’s friend ah an.. He asked, “Hey u, why u kept staring at us? Stare for what fuck?” Having said that, the next guy swing his helmet onto ah an’s gf’s head.. Immediately blood can be seen.. The rest started whacking one another already.. 3 person hitting ah an so he got no choice but to run.. Victor can’t help out as his wife and children are around.. He can only watched helplessly..

When the sch starts not long, Xing was approached by his friend Zhiqiang. ZQ is working at Burger King and seeing Xing got no work, he asked Xing to join him.. Though both are underage but they still work.. It was tough.. Think the rate is only $1.50/hr.. Thus, ZQ had something in mind… Both of them had a thorough discussion and planning.. Then the plot was executed the next day.. At the end of the day, both of them earned estimated $100 total then at night they went arcade and had all the fun they could.. The next day, they did it again.. ZQ was being suspected at first and was searched but nothing found.. Xing too, but also nothing found.. Suddenly a while later the lady manager told Xing to go into the office.. Inside there finally Xing was caught.. When being probed who’s involved, Xing simply keep mum.. Xing’s mouth was totally shut even after the police came to take him away.. The manager was being sarcastic that Xing dun even want to cry and beg for forgiveness, trying to act strong. Said that if Xing were to cry, they might consider dropping the case.. Nothing of sort happened, coz Xing remained calm and mum. Xing is just being loyal to friends.

First time sitting at the police station, not for visiting but being questioned, being charged.. Xing’s mind was totally blank, not wishing to think of anything at all.. Xing was being bailed out by Victor, however, Victor did not scold him at all.. The following Xing would have to attend the court, so both of them woke up early and went to Manhattan for breakfast. 2 breads with 2 half-boiled eggs and a hot milo.. That seems to be the best breakfast Xing ever had..

As Xing was underage and also was a first time offender, so there was this officer who tried to help him by sending a charge to BK as well for employing underage worker. Eligible age to work is min 14yrs old. So, it’s kind of illegal to employ Xing and ZQ. Xing undergo some counseling and was released on the same day after taking down testimonial. Xing had to report back again in a wk. Now Xing’s records is not clean anymore.. Only a handful of friends know abt this incident..

Xing had stopped wearing his specs. His vision degree was roughly 100+ on the left and 300+ on the right, ya lazy eyes. He wore specs ever since he was 7.. Well, looking at the world with a blurred vision wasn’t that bad, coz since everything were blurred, couldn’t care much.. Had he given up on the world already..? Or he had given up on himself..?

Xing can blend into a group or conversation easily thus in sch he can chat with anyone basically. Xing came to know of two friends, Zhonggui and Gordon. Slam Dunk is the key to the bonding of the three.. Lolx.. ZG loves Slam Dunk and kept asking Xing to read the comics but Xing simply refused by saying, “What’s so interesting abt balls? Bo liao lor. 10 ppl chasing after a stupid ball.” Despite that, ZG did not give up. He tried conveying that the comic was hilarious rather than all abt basketball.. After persuading for mths, Xing finally gave up and started reading and enjoying Slam Dunk. Xing dunno how to play basketball but after finishing Slam Dunk, everyday after sch he would follow ZG & Gordon to the CC nearby their sch to play a game or two.. Basketball had became their fave past-time.

As time passes by, the trio become very close. Gordon is staying at a condo at Upper East Coast and among us he is the only one with computer. We always go to his place for a swim, rollerblading, gym, etc. Most of the time will be either playing his com or playstation.. ZG cannot stay over outside as his mum is very strict with him. As for Xing, his parents dun care much as long as he informs where he’s gonna be.

Ever since Xing been together with ZG & Gordon, he had became popular in sch as well.. He is on good terms with everyone. Especially that he got a great brain that many admire and often being challenged in tests.. But Xing most of the time wins when it comes to maths & science. Despite the challenges, Xing is always ready to help anyone coping with their understanding of their homework. Xing is the most mischievous student in class. Who dare to speak out in public telling a gal that she’s exposed? Well, Xing dares. By doing that openly would makes all the gals embarrassed. Well, it’s not Xing’s fault, who told them not to self-love. =P Anyway, Xing did it with 2 intentions. To have fun by gaining popularity with the rest of the guys(u know, guys love dirty jokes. =.=”) and also to warn the gals(as well as to create a fear in them to make them learn to protect themselves.). Xing’s classmate, Amy, even approached Xing and asked how she could avoid ‘zao geng’.. Lolx.. Rather funny sia. Everyone simply classified Xing as a pro. =.=”

Synopsis: The feeling of being seen as an enemy. The end of friendship, the end of popularity, the start of changing life, life of a bad guy.

Tonight gonna sidetrack a bit. The post was already ready but instead i will like to blog a bit of myself tonight, almost lost myself..

Not enuff slp made me mentally unstable. That's not all. Finally gotten my angpow from my company today and found that it's only $12.00. Freak out by that. That farker kept calling me and told me to buy him beer. Told him so many hundreds of time and yet kept saying the same thing over and over again. Lived until 50+ still dunno how to think. Farker dunno live so long for what. Thought that at least i've got one thing that i had and could calm myself even though the whole whole world is falling, yet another arise.

What the hell is going on today? Am i supposed to go berserk today? Am i supposed to go haywire today? It's so hard to suppress self till almost broke down.. I really dun understand what's going on. And even after settling the problem, reached home another problem arises. Freaking dunno wat's wrong with him. Dun understand simple english nevermind, still dunno how to see the weather. Fark sia dun wan eat means dun wan eat lah, wat's the farking big deal with wastage of food. I've been trying so hard to control myself and yet wat's the freaking point.. Maybe i shld learn how to let go and loose control.. Really very tired of living... No glimpse of light at all? Am i really ready to end it all? Is it the end already? What is this shagness that i'm feeling it. And best of all, my freaking firefox's bookmarks all gone. God damn it.

Weixing: Wat is going on..? I'm really feeling very tired..
Angel: Dun worry, u are just tired..
Devil: No, u are just tired of ur life.
W: Well, i'm really tired..
A: Go take a rest now..
W: I'm not that kind of the tired.. Not sleepy at all..
D: Yes i can feel ur tiredness. I can feel u warm inside.
W: Ya, indeed..
A: Cool it, thought u had already taken a cold bath?
W: Yup it works a little..
D: Is that really wat u wanted?
W: I dunno..
A: U are doing fine, dun think so much.
W: I can't help it..
D: Ya so many things are bothering u. U can really dun think?
W: I wish i can.. I thought of drinking today but i can't. Firstly, i've promised someone i will not drink without any permission. Secondly, drinking will not solve but will make me think even more...
D: Excuses.
W: Really..
A: U are doing fine, drinking will not solve everything and in the state u are in now it will only make things worse..
W: Ya, that's true..
D: Not true at all. It's all ur excuses. U just wanna run away. Coward.
W: Maybe.. I thought that's the best thing to do..?
D: U really think that u can sleep with all those things running in ur head? U can bluff everyone but u can't bluff urself. U know wat i mean.
A: Dun listen to that.. Just follow ur heart..
W: I dunno.. I'm so confused now..
D: Confused? Ask then. Seek the answer to ur doubts!
W: I dunno wat u are toking abt..
D: Stop lying to urself. Both u and i know.
A: Forget abt it.. U dun even wish to know so wat's the point of asking? Everything had come to such a state and u still wanna probe? So wat u gotten the answer? Will u be truly satisfied?
D: Well, ya. U had come to such a state so wat's there not to be known? Wat's there not to be said? Just go ahead.
W: Both of u got ur point but i'm just in a dilemma in what i shld do..
D: No need to be that. Just ask. U forgot what u've learnt? Anything that doesn't kill u will make u stronger.
W: Hmmm?
D: Hmmm wat? U are always like that. No wonder u are so freaking useless. Forever useless.
W: Yes i'm useless..
A: No u are not useless at all. U just dun wanna pick a fight. Well, u just dun wanna find troubles..
W: Ya, i did felt that way..
D: Rubbish! U yearn to know the truth and i know that.
W: No, not that..
D: Yes u are. If not why u kept thinking abt him?
W: Well, he was being racked up.. Not as if i wanna think abt him..
D: Dun lie. I know u are a person who bear grudges though u always dun say. I did not forget how u hated ur 3rd auntie's husband who slapped u. I believe u will burst up if he were to step on ur tail again.
W: That was in the past.. Yes i admit i still hated him though it had been more than a decade since that incident.. But i'm still staying calm whenever i see him...
A: Ya, u are indeed a very forgiving person.. So just forget abt it..
W: I can forgive but i can't forget. Let the car hit me right on my head and make me lose my memory. Only with that then i can forget it.
D: Yup that's right. Fight for ur rights. To hell with the righteous. No point being a nice person, it's so tough to be nice and yet no one will appreciate that. Wastage of energy only.
W: Well, that's true..
A: Dun listen to that.. U know how good it is to be good. No one likes a bad egg..
D: Haha! Carry on and be bullied then, weakling!
W: I'm not a weakling.. I'm just not used to be bad..
D: U freaking dun lie, u are once a bad person. What's the freaking big deal? And that time u enjoyed being a bad guy, i dun believe u forgotten all the thrills.
W: Well, that's true but....
A: Have u also forgotten how u are being outcast by everyone..?
W: Ya.. Pain... I wun forget the pain..
D: Yes, painful right? So, wat's the point in being good? Coz being good is much more painful. U know that urself!
W: I dunno.. I really dunno if i can take it anymore..
D: Then dun waste ur effect suppressing it. Bottled up too much and once it burst, it would be worst and it might even be the end of you. Think abt it.
A: No, all's well. No need to think so much..
W: I really dunno.. Pls leave me alone.. Let my mind rest..
D: U really can rest meh? Do u really enjoy torturing urself?
W: Stop it.. I dun wanna listen anymore.. Just leave my mind and leave me alone.. I just wanna be alone for now.. Go away..
A: Okok u rest well, tml the sun will still shine on u..
D: Just think abt wat i told u. Think hard, dun be such useless ass.

Signal lost...............................................................................................

JL and Xing stays so near, thus, everyday after sch would get together to play. Be it playground or at either one's place. As time goes by, they became closer and closer like real brothers.. Thru JL, Xing gets to know more and more friends. Life's afterall not that bad.. At primary 3, Xing gets to know yuxiang aka yx. And he is also staying at blk137, 2nd floor. His mum opened a flower shop at 1st floor, both are linked.. Whenever we got nothing to do, will go over to disturb yx coz he is always arrowed to watch the shop.. Hehe.. Soon the 3 of us became very close.. Cycling, playing catching at playground, skateboarding, playing marbles, playing arcade, playing console games, collecting and selling of dragonballs cards, playing basically anything. Well, that time yx was like the big bro of the whole of Alexandra.. Lolx.. Seriously, he is the only one who got the 'aura'.. Haha. If there were to have a gang at the neighborhood, he would have been the boss. =P

Most intriguing, YX is one of the few who attracted a lot of gals... =X Wonder if i can named a few... Hehe.. He shld rmb if mentioned.. QL who always does his homeworks for him, XM who seems to be the perfect gal for him, LY who is tall and beautiful which everyone yearns for, XH and XJ also kinda cute. Well, dun be mistaken. Not all interested in him and also not all he interested in.. =P Just named a few that worth mentioning..

Mentioning LY aka Jocelyn, reminds of a shameful incident.. That was cruelty reality.. No wonder reality bites.. Just before that. Xing came to know a friend, Fucheng aka FC. After knowing him a while, Xing decided that they shld exchanged numbers. Then when in class, everyone is supposed to sit in their seats and cannot move about. But Xing is a very anxious person, whenever he decided on something he would want to get it settled immediately. Thus, he written his home tel on a small piece of paper and wanted to throw it to FC during lessons.. That time LY was sitting beside Xing, so Xing asked her for a favor. Xing wrapped the paper around a rubber and requested LY to help him throw over to the back of the class while his planning was to go and retrieve it then on his way back to his seat he would remove the paper and pass to FC.. LY was also a mischievous gal. She said ok then she kept the thing in her pocket not wanting to return.. =.= Wat can Xing do? He kept asking her to throw it but she cheekily refused to do so and feign ignorant.. Seeing that, Xing tickle her and force her to take out the rubber.. There's a friend from behind named Shiguang and he saw what happened.. Finally LY took out the rubber and suddenly put it on the chair and sits on it.. Innocent Xing just reach out for the rubber before she sits on it.... And she screamed when that happened.. The teacher was alerted and found out what happened.. Molest case. Xing was dumbfounded.. He was being called to the front of the class and being questioned.. Not wanting to reveal the whole plan, he just said he did not molest LY.. He said he got a witness that he did not do that, which is Shiguang.. But Shiguang said he saw everything and Xing indeed did it.. When LY was asked if she was molested, she also said yes.. Unable to explain anything, unable to defend himself, Xing simply kept mum and was canned with a ruler on his right hand right infront of the whole class..

Xing's thoughts: What the hell is going on with the world..? Why is these happening to me..? What's the truths and what's the lies, no one can feel it..? Or my face is already written 'molester' all around..? What a sucky world..

That time Xing is still so young and he had to undergo such sufferings.. Sigh.. What a good life he lived.. No one believed him.. Even FC thought he plotted it.. Anyway, this incident spread the whole school except for his guardians.. No point telling them, anyway no one would believed him.. Xing always kept things to himself and remain silent.. Silent means golden, he thought..

Xing's uncle had high hopes for him to achieve great results for a brighter future.. Thus, he hired a tuition teacher for him. Quite a fierce one.. But that doesn't gonna work.. The more she's fierce on him, the more he show no interest and dun wanna do his homeworks.. The teacher eventually gave up on him.. Well, Xing's like that one.. He can be quite stubborn at times.. The more he's being forced to do a thing, the more rebellious he becomes.. Same thing applies when Victor told him not to smoke and drink, but can only smoke and drink in front of him..

Victor always gather with his friends at the market and Xing would be there. Xing saw Victor kept drinking the same thing, outta curiosity he asked what's that Victor's drinking. Nice meh? Victor told him it's water, normal water.. Then Victor's friend told Xing to try, and he did.. After tasting the beer, Xing almost vomited and exclaimed that such disgusting drinks also got ppl want to drink.. Then next came the smoking part.. Xing asked Victor how come got sound one when Victor is smoking the thing. It was Gudam Garam, dunno if it's spelt this way.. Anyway, it's the kind of cigarettes that yield a 'burning leaves' sound when puff.. Victor's friend again told Xing to try, saying that it's sweet one unlike the beer.. So he did.. This time it's ok, something new and interesting.. Victor always smoke Camel non-filter. Whenever he at home and wanted to smoke, he would asked Xing to lit for him and take a few puffs before passing on.. It was until there's once Xing chocked on the 1st puff he took too deep and even vomited.. It was a very xingku feeling.. Ever since then, Xing was barred from smoking and drinking..

Synopsis: What is love? Exploration of love. What is work? Starting to sweat for work for money. What is jail?

Dun think Ling knows who is Ching.. Or maybe she got the idea that she did had a younger sister.. When Ching was born, Ling was only 2yrs old.. Xing had thought of looking for his long-lost sis.. But he had no clue where to look for.. Victor doesn’t says a thing.. Neither Tee mention.. It’s a small world but it’s not really that small when such thing occurs..

Most of the time, Xing is living with his grandparents coz Victor & Tee could hardly survive with carrying Ling around.. So, whenever there’s chance of going to stay with them, even though it’s for a little while, Xing would still wanna go.. Despite his grandparents treating him very good.. Buy him everything that he wanted.. When he wanted a new box of crayons for K1 opening, his granny will just buy for him.. When he wanted a new bag and pencil case, his granny will just buy for him.. He just dun appreciated all that’s given.. It’s as if they owe him.. Life’s like that.. Only when it’s gone or abt to be gone then a person will start to appreciate.. By the time it’s too late..

Xing’s thoughts: I will always treasure and cherish what i have. By treating everyday as if it’s the last day, as if it’s Armageddon.. Kept reminding myself that.. Do what i want to do with no regrets.. You will never know when it’ll ends. Coz life’s unpredictable..

Due to heavily in debts, Victor is afraid to go work, becoz if those people were to see him, he’s gonna be dead meat.. Therefore, Tee started working as a part-time waitress for banquet dinner.. She work just to make ends meet.. It must be tough on her.. Well, Victor doesn’t purposely got in debts.. He’s a high-paying worker but it’s an odd job that he’s doing.. If there’s no ships coming in, it will mean no work.. You can’t have the best of both worlds.. That’s the way of life.. By taking loans, he can easily clear it off by pay day.. However, it’s an unpredictable job he’s doing.. And the interest is high.. Sigh.. Anyway, he did it partially for the family.. Can’t blame him for that.. He’s really a nice person..

Victor finally found a flat at ABC market, near the current Queensway IKEA.. Xing started studying at Alexandra Hill Primary School.. There’ll be a bus taking him to and fro. Sometimes he would return home after school since it’s so near his sch.. There was once there’s a bookfair at school and Victor gave Xing $5.00 for him to buy books he like. And Xing’s auntie gave him $10.00 also for him to buy books.. At the fair he bought a few books and left with $5.00 but when he reached home he was questioned by his auntie on why he did not said he was already given $5.00. It was a small issue.. Xing reach for his pocket to take out the green colour $5.00 note to explain that even though he did not said anything, he did not anyhow spent.. But, Xing can’t find it in his pocket.. Everyone says Xing is lying.. Gotten whacked to seek the truth outta him but still, Xing repeat himself but nothing seems to get into their head… Absolutely none believed him.. Even his granny.. Even his parents.. It was a Friday..

Xing’s thoughts: I’m telling the truth and yet no one believes me.. Why would there be a need to tell a lie for such small issue..? I was taught that by telling the truth of the things I did wrong will not caused my life. But with the fact that no one understands me.. It’s as good as being dead.. 1^st time ever thought of living the world, 1^st time feeling that no point living on when there’s no one to believe me.. And somemore it’s my closest people around me who doubted me..

A week had passed since that incident and life’s goes on for Xing.. He had changed a little more introvert ever since then.. No point saying things since no one will believe a word anyway.. Then on Friday after school, as usual Xing returns home punctually.. When he change into his home wear, the $5.00 note drop out from his sch shorts and his granny saw it.. Xing din say much nor bother to explain much.. He’s just hate of being wrongly accused.. This incident forever etched deep inside him and no one knows abt it..

Xing is indeed quite a bright boy.. That yr in primary one he came in position 7 in class and felt quite satisfied with his performance.. He expected to welcome praises when he break the news.. However, no one did.. Victor said he is useless, only gotten 7^th place. Uncles and Aunties did say anything either..

Xing’s thoughts: I thought I did my best just to get a little recognition, some praises, little bit of appreciations, little bit of love.. Just a little would do.. But nothing.. Am I seriously that useless and worthless…? I just need a little bit, is that too much to ask of..? I doesn’t felt loved at all.. Maybe I shouldn’t come into this world in the 1^st place..

That was not the only painful memory for primary 1.. As all of us know, wat to be expected from a 7yr-old kid.. Well, Xing loves fun. Sitting on the sch bus at the backseat is the most fun experience.. Becoz whenever there’s humps, he will go up, bouncing up.. How fun.. Haha.. However, the people always seized the seats and told Xing to go away.. He can only sit alone and enjoy the fun alone when the rest had gotten down.. But he is still happy, at least he had a chance to try.. Even though he is alone…

Not only that, there was another incident. The sch field is big and there are buildings near the end of the field. Those buildings are deserted.. There’s a myth that ghosts lurk in there.. At night they would roam freely in there.. At the 1^st floor u can see a table in one of the unit and there’s a glass bottle in there.. Heard that if u knock over the bottle, the ghosts will be furious and will haunt u down.. Xing dun believe in such things so he is up to some mischief again.. He took a rock and threw it into the house and hit the bottle down… When he is on his way back home in the sch bus, ppl kept telling him to go home and pray hard.. Then they started telling him scary things.. He wasn’t supposed to be afraid until at night.. There’s a knock on the door and he opened it but see no one.. Granny says there’s no knocks at all.. Now, he’s afraid and he’s crying.. Granny took him to see some sensei and finally calm him down.. Till date it still gave him the chills.. Even after request for a transfer of sch..

Upon graduation, Xing is being transferred to Keng Seng Primary School and the 1^st friend he made is Jinlun aka JL, who stays at blk 137 while Xing’s staying with granny at blk 136 at Alexandra Road. When Xing’s at previous sch, he had no friends at all.. This is his 1^st friend..

Synopsis: Upcoming childhood life of Xing..

PS: Sorry abt previous synopsis. It was a bad one.. Anyway, just stay tuned. All these are based on true stories, some never told, some never mentioned. It’s gonna be complete collection of Xing’s memory. Got asked why do I blog.. Well, I might not have the chance to. Life’s unpredictable.. Anyway, there’s a lot of unspoken truths.. Xing is not that simple neither complicated as he can be.. More yet to come, 25yrs ain’t living for nothing.. If Xing’s life were to be a movie, it would be an interesting one. Haha..

Devastated as she can be.. Tee learn to pick herself up from her fall. At least she still got Xing, though no always by her side. But she's glad that Xing doing fine with her mum..

Xing was pampered by everyone. Staying at a small little house with so many aunties and uncles and most impt his two grandparents. Some says granny dote on him much more than any of her children.. Well, Xing still dunno wat's good for him.. Sigh.. Xing always request to go home with mummy and daddy, not knowing if they can afford it. It's all becoz Victor kept buying him toys.. Even though he ain't have enuff for himself, he would still buy for Xing..

Victor and Tee had to keep moving house as Victor starts to owe a lot of personal debts.. Need to run away.. Sometimes Xing would follow them even though it's gonna be sleeping in the streets.. When the hard time comes, they even had to bathe at the Swimming Pool or even at the beach, changi beach. Sometimes when there's no way to go, they would take a bus which dunno will take them to where.. Sailing on without a destination.. Changi Beach is not a nice place to sleep.. A lot of mosquitoes.. People's Park OG 2nd floor on the bridge is not a nice place to sleep.. Very humid and dirty.. Corridors is not a nice place to sleep.. So many pests crawling around..

They finally found a new place to stay at Redhill area, near ABC market. One of the house that lasted longest.. Even though there are times that there are no lights and water at all.. Candles are everywhere.. The only source of light.. Water had to be taken illegally outside but tampering with the thing outside... Bucket of water being stored everywhere.. Food are scarce.. $2.00 mixed veg rice shared among 3 person, 1 meal per day.. Life's tough but Xing still dun wanna go back granny's place.. Tough life but simple enuff.. He is that easy to be satisfied..

Occasionally Xing would go back to his own home to suffer.. Soon after, Tee was pregnant again.. This time no idea what's the child's name and no idea where is the child now also... Sigh.. At times Victor would bring Xing to his workplace to play arcade, racing horse. It's such a fun game till he addicted to it.. Lolx.. Xing also had a favourite yellow 4-wheel bike but got teased by others saying he dunno how to ride a 2-wheel bike.. Unable to stand the shame, Xing request Victor to remove the two side wheels. Having it done, Xing whole day would get on his bike and learning how to ride it in a hard way, by banging onto walls. =.=" By remembering the pain, u will learn better. Afterall, no pain no gain.

Time really flies.. Tee was pregnant once again.. This time she was being watched and made sure that the child was not gone.. Granny even bought tonics for her, bring her for checkups. That's how Ling came into the world. Xing is rather jealous of Ling as Ling is being taken care of by her own parents and Xing had lesser chance going back to his own home ever since Ling was born.. But he do not know that his life is much better than Ling's...

Soon after, Victor starts to get into more debts due to no work. And it's not just normal debts but bad debts with high interest.. Even Tee's name was being used and they had to do collection at Granny's place.. Everyone there hated them for causing such dismay.. But can't be helped.. It's Grandpa who cleared for Tee.. They all said it's Victor's fault and Tee should have just divorced him but she doesn't listen to them.. They just kept moving and moving and moving.. Telok Blangah, Redhill, Queensway, Queenstown, Ajunied, Tampines, Ang Mo Kio, Seng Kang, Outram. Too many to mention. Anyway, they are known as the wanderers, who do not have a place called home.. During the wandering, Tee actually gave birth to another baby gal named Ching. No one knows when did that happen. But they did bring Ching to Tee's mum once a while for some food. Everyone love Ching as she is the most cutest baby in the world. Kept smiling and smiling and smiling, non-stop. Her smiles melted everyone, even Xing liked his baby sister too. That time Xing was already started schooling at Alexandra Hill Primary School..

However, good things do not last long.. Due to the tough life the trio is living, they are unable to accept one more mouth.. So, they are left with no choice.. When Xing came to learn abt it, he was angry and sad. No matter how Victor and Tee explained, he simply dun listen.. Even got beaten up by Victor but still no use.. This time he really hated Victor.. But anger doesn't last very long. Soon, he was pacified by Victor with tons of toys, at the expense of his little sis.. Xing learn it when he grow up... No one knows where Ching had gone to.. But Victor assured that she is in good hands, will have good life..

Xing's thoughts:
To be with natural parents to suffer, or not to be with natural parents to live a better life? One can never be able to get the best of both worlds.. Reality bites.. That's forever the case.. Life's sux..

Synopsis: Primary School life of Xing. The feeling of working. The feeling of behind bar. The feeling of being pushed around. What kind of life is Xing leading..? Stay tuned.

Chapter 1

Victor is a fine young man despite him being sent to Boys' Home and Jail. He had quit studying since primary 6. It's such a pity as he's got the talent to excel. Sigh. Bad company. Anyway, at those 2 places he had learnt a lot. With that, he can be a plumber, carpenter, wielder, electrician, etc. Haha, indeed he's a jack of all trade.

At that time the blooming industry is the shipping industry, that's where Victor's field of expertise. And the pay is good. $500 per wk, imagine that in 1970s.. He's a rich man. But again he got the wrong company. Horse racing, majong, cards, nite clubs. =.=" His cash money got depleted real fast. Until the time Tee come to his life then he toned down a bit.

Tee is this young lady who's working at Old Market helping out her dad who owns a stall selling zhu chao. She is the eldest daughter among the 8 children, also the one with the lowest qualifications. Well, she just dun like to study. But she is a very hardworking person.

When Victor came to know Tee, he eventually went to her workplace very often and they started dating soon after. After dating for some time, it was found out that Tee was pregnant. And the worst thing is Victor is not yet planning to settle down yet. So they tried to go for an abortion. However, because the baby had been in there for few mths already. They would need to give it a few injections before the abortion. After the 2nd injection, Tee back out and said she wanted the child so ain't got any other choice but to settle down with Victor. They fear for the child as it had taken few dosages of weakening liquid.. So they can only pray hard that the child will come out in one piece safe and sound.. Victor and Tee got married in a simple way. Thereafter, Victor brought Tee for cable-car for the 1st time, and also the 1st time for the baby.

Just before the child was born, Victor actually lost a lot in gambling. So when the child is born, he said that they can't afford to feed him at all. Intending to sell little Xing away.. Tee's mum came to know abt it, she came and scolded the two of them and said that if they dun want, she will take care of Xing since he is the 1st grandson. That's how Xing got to stay with his granny since young, he was not supposed to come into the world in the 1st place..

Granny love Xing a lot so she really takes good care of him. Victor and Tee went back to their own home. Victor carry on working as a wielder in the ship while Tee as a housewife. Occasionally they would bring Xing home, just like holiday for him. But with the fact that they can't afford much on the necessities, Xing dun stay long with them.. Soon after, Tee is pregnant again. But this time it's a miscarriage. When she was in the toilet, the child actually came out.. Trying to rescue the poor child but to vain.. All was lost.. She was devastated..

Synopsis: More children..? Here comes the naughty and playful Xing, childhood memories before school starts. The birth of Ling and Ching..

o.O

Gotten this from somewhere.. He amazed me when i 1st came across his rantings. This time this thing hit me.

"Although in my hand I have a flower, it is not the most beautiful one. I picked the flower I thought which was the most beautiful for I am afraid I will miss it like the last time. However I saw a more beautiful flower as I moved along but I could not pick it as I had already picked one flower."

Seems like this crappy guy is almost the same as Jinlun but more violent version.. Interesting guy but wonder what's the future. Communication is the key, well, he crap a lot. Gotta break that ice in the 1st place.. Not gonna feel weird feeling with him if he not gonna feel any. =) Anyway, we'll shall see. The future is unclear.

Can't get to slp so gonna blog a bit more.. Too many stuffs in brain makes the brain run faster till the migraine comes. I'm used to the pain already.. Lolx.. Today is quite a fruitful day despite many thoughts.

A bird being caged for too long yearn to fly off to see the whole, yet afraid that it would get lost in the vast world. The world is dangerous and full of traps yet still wanna take the chance. Well, being caged is not a good feeling at all, i understand that.. Thus, sneaking out to see a bit of the world.. Well, the thing u do not know is too much freedom is bad either.. I was caged since young so i dun wanna do things that i dun wan ppl to do to me.. But well, when things are too near, ppl tends to be blind. So, soar high up. Go go go!

Despite the danger of temptations, u would still go and enjoy the restrictions whenever u can.. But at least u are quite sensible on ur part and i'm impressed. I'm always impressed by ppl who can think well. But i'm sorry i'm very clear cut abt my position. I'm the same as u. I will not let my partner down no matter what. Or at least that's part of little committed actions. Well, i never did, never will. Well, "that's foolish!!" some says but who cares. I'm the one who live my life. Broken wings but i will still lift myself up. Well, reality bites. Sigh.. Life's like these and it sux. It sux becoz i sux. Haiz.. I'm so pessimistic. Can't stand it. I still need the light..

It's been 6mths liao till now.. Time flies.. Or rather slow.. So much had happened, so much unexplained. It's only 6mths.. What if it's 6yrs..? Bored already..? I'm not yet, for i dun get bored easily. Yup tat's my weakness to get hurt easily. =.=" No wonder i had been wasting away my life when i looked into the past. They were merely memories but they hurt. Darn! Why i kept thinking of the bad things.. Can't help it, coz i can't fight the moonlit. Every experiences sharing i ought to learn something to add on to my collections.. Falling star admires this little brain coz she doesn't have much experiences till the day the star fallen. Sigh.. Reality bites. Face it and move on. You are doing great, sis. =) Wahahaha need more insight on men, just shoot. I'll be glad to help watever i can using my little brain. haha.. Wat the hell i'm talking, i always condemn men. =.=" None is good, all good are dead. If u found one that is good, good, good luck. Wat had the world becoming? Now it's not only men, but women too. Haha i shld changed it to all human are bad. =P Oh ya i'm a human myself.. ZzZzZzZz.. =.=" Crap as i can be, serious as i can be. Crappy doesn't mean i'm not serious, serious doesn't mean i will not be serious. Being too serious is bad, without being serious is equally bad. Lolx. It's just like Karma. Mine is negative coz of my past deeds, hopefully most of it had returned to me and break even liao.. Shag leh.. Only if i'm sensible enough 20yrs back.. Sigh.. Ok crab finish liao so i'm walking sideways to my bed.. Where's the light..? I can't move on without the light.. Dun be afraid to show me the light.. You forgotten u can ask me anything and tell me anything..? All's not lost. My brain is tiny but it works wonders. Many will realised when i reveal 30yrs of true lifes. Powerful memory is no good actually.. Sigh.. Humans are always not easily satisfied, so unlike the old me. Old me..? Huh..? Paiseh i dun like to reveal much.. So much unknown of me eh..? Haha.. Paiseh for all the untold. I'm not the same anymore. Everybody's changing by Keane. Koon!!! Think so much also no use de. >_<

Shag-out

Really very shag sia.. Yesterday nite din slp much.. Can't get to slp, too much in my mind.. Must be becoz of him.. Sigh... This morning around 9am then reach home. ZzZzZzZz.. Slp like a pig when in the bus on the way home.. Bathe liao have to go work le.. At work is seriously bored to hell, plus sleepiness.. Then thing still kept lingering inside my head.. Sigh.. How come i still dun get to see the light but saw the darkness.. Seriously unable to shed anymore.. Even had difficulties in breathing.. Luckily all are being well controlled.. Well, seriously dun let me see him.. I dunno wat i will do though.. When i saw it, my whole body became warm already.. If were to see him, i would expect the worst.. Anyway, i'm tired of living already, i dun mind doing anything else.. Sian. Mentioning it makes my blood boils, though it's my fault in the 1st place but i just can't take it.. Still, no light being shown.. Maybe i still had to learn to be more straightforward.. Sigh.. But that's just me.. Anyway, i've thought abt it liao.. Things can be explained and talked thru.. I can be very forgiving but rarely intolerant.. The rare is mainly serious case though.. Still i can't see the light.. Still the door is not open.. Sigh.. Why dun let me see the light..? Anyway, my doubts and mystery had been solved.. So much unexplainable but i guess i've seen the full picture.. Sad though but i still wishing for the light. Anyway, seriously dun let me see him on the road. Hunger for blood if i were to see him.. Though i was in the wrong but sama sama lor.. No wonder talking to me dare not even look at me in the eyes. At least my conscious is clear lor. Argh! Temp went up again. Talking to richie is a million times better and more comfortable lor. Bah! No one understands me anyway. No one believes me anyway. Koon! Tml still gotta work. Where's the light.....?

Sorry..

Been too lazy to blog.. =.=" How come i'm so busy lately..? Well, it's good to get busy though. It'll get me occupied but working is still boring as hell. zzzzzzzzzzzzz.. No morale to work at all. I've been hinting to Liangzhu that i'll be leaving soon but no time given yet though.. Trying to get him to be independent. Well, he's 2yrs older than me but he's kind of too relax with life despite the hectic living and high standard lifestyle of singapore. Haha.. Oh well, he wun get it. Zzzzzz.. Just like that Jimmy. 30 liao still dunno how to think. -.- Anyway, i ain't in any position to give criticisms as i wasn't of any good either.. Haha..

I've sent in my Resume for HP for dunno how many goddamn wks liao still no reply from them. Even my friend albert dun reply to my sms.. I hate it when ppl dun even bother to reply.. Well, i'm asking some serious qn and not stupid qn. $0.05 so exp ah.. Sigh.. Such humans exist though. Anyway, i've got one customer, Nick. He used to be from Belkin but he quit and joined this company called Overland Storage. His company do purchases from my shop for his clients and i gave great services. lolx. =) On monday i went up to his office for coffee, well i did that with a motive.. Muahahahaha... He actually did mentioned to me that i've got great networking knowledge and wide range of product knowledge, so he asked why i did not go over to Belkin and work for them instead? I told him i was not there yet, i still consider myself as an amateur. He said no need that much of knowledge since i've got experiences in this field. Btw, his office is great!! Suntec Penthouse!! Omg.. Superb scenery from above.. Gave me that fulfilling satisfaction.. But too bad it's not my office.. Anyway, i spoke to Nick and found out that the director of belkin is actually his friend.. I showed him my interest in that company and reveal my background of working experiences. He said he will help me ask and see if there's any placing for me. Well, most probably i'll be in the sales line but in a different aspect. Not the usual retail nor the sales executive. I'll be handling with distributors and also with retail shops. Will be moving around seeking info and feedbacks. Well, sales quota is inevitable but not gonna be very xiong.. But gonna be very pressuring as the current totally cannot make it and if i were to take her place, i will be expected much more.. Coz of my experiences.. Well, sometimes i really dunno to lay low or to fly high.. Both got their pros and cons.. Life's like this and it sux.. Reality always bites.. But still gonna face it to survive in this world.. I've got no one to rely on but to stand up on my own..

Went Sentosa with Jason this morning. A little bit of sun only.. Without the sun, we still carry on laying there under the sky listening to some music and not forgetting the sound of the sea.. And i fell asleep and snore quite loud.. Lolx.. I'm really tired.. No idea why but that seems to be the case.. Sigh.. When will my getaway comes...? it seems ages.. But i'm just so broke to do anything abt it.. That time went Batam is totally squeeze it out de.. Anyway, if i were to know that someone's not going, i wun even want to go.. Mentioning that raked up something... Anyway, forget it..

After the short nap, went to sim lim sq. Hmmm.. dun really know why we are going there.. Just before we left, asked Raine come out for a smoke. Well, she seems to be doing alright at there. And most impt, she seems to pull thru the wave. Great.. I dun like to see ppl sad.. She said i've changed a lot.. When asked how i've changed, nothing outta her mouth. Lolx.. Well, i dunno either.. After sls, we went to Chapter 2 for haircut, virgin trip.. Lolx.. 1st time spending more than $20 on hair.. ZZZZZZZ.. When wanting to buy the $7.00 earring, i even have to think for few mths.. Despite that, there's still many things yet to be settled.. Sigh.. Am i following my dad's footstep..? Hope not.. I guess around this age he is already suffering.. Suffering much more than me.. Life's so feeble eh..

Wat's lies in the future..? I still dun have an answer yet.. How come i'm so difficult to satisfy..? That's so unlikely of me.. So different of me.. I needed the light.. The light to save me from darkness.. It's still very dark in here.. Commitments are not just commitments.. It's of a lifetime and it ain't a game.. Jason sees it as we will not be able to make it.. But i beg to differ.. Actually i wanted to give it all i can.. Once and for all.. I've not given up totally yet.. But i'm still scared.. This is not a play.. This is not a game.. It takes two hands to clap.. I believe i still need somemore time.. People says time will heal the wound.. I hope so.. Anyway, i asked for it all along.. Haha.. Time is still early to tell it all. But i'll try to do my best.. Still gonna need some more.. A little bit more..

Met Eddie the other day for appointment. He shown me the path of life.. Well, it's not gonna be easy.. Planning is inevitable.. Lifetime planning, that is.. I've learnt that what i planned is not exactly the right thing.. Meaning, planning shld involve the concerning party and not just making decisions alone.. So, watever i had planned had been put on hold.. It's a lifetime planning for two and not just one.. Having said that, i'm still not ready anyway.. I'm such a bad guy.. Sigh.. Lolx.. i found the best thing to describe myself liao.. Crystal Ball.. So strong yet so fragile.. Oh well, forget it..

The past... The present... The future...

Accidentally scrolled to the bottom and read my own blog.. So many things had been forgotten and being recalled again.. It's kinda mixed feelings.. Last time when i wrote on the blog, our status is diff from now.. Which makes me turn back time to tat time.. Yup, her unwanted past.. Her unclear memories to me.. Mentioning this made me recalled last yr in Nov.. I rmb i did called my ex-coll mike before and informed him of my new number.. Then there was once i called him to ask him to club, then he suddenly told me he saw my friend at Orchard where he is working at a hp shop.. I asked to describe and realised it was actually my gf.. Well, at tat moment i know what's in his mind.. Knn me and Jason were the ones to poison his brain due to his unbearable parting with his 3-yrs relationship with jessica.. To make him break free of himself.. Then wat he thinking as if i dunno lor.. He said that he wanted to approach her to get my number as he dun have it.. Excuses lor.. He seen her before as she did came to my ex-company to interview and that time all the guys in the whole company were going gaga over her lor. Dun tell me he is not, unless he is not normal. =.=" Well, afterall all men were alike.. ZzZzZzZz.. Shoot myself again.. =.="

Well, reading more of my past blog made me feel that i'm really a not worthy guy.. Not worthy guy to anyone.. Not worthy to be mentioned.. A look into the past is like looking into a pool of blood, so gore and disgusting.. Can't help being haunted.. I just can't help it.. I just felt it's the end of world to me.. Wat's beoming of me..?

Currently what am i doing..? I seriously dunno.. Time to work, i work.. Time to knock off, i knock off.. Time to slp, i slp.. Time to die, ya i'm still waiting.. I can only feel that the time is taking my life away bit by bit, day by day, wk by wk, mth by mth, yr by yr.. When is this gonna ends..? When is this gonna put a stop to it.. Where's my angel..? Total darkness of blur vision.. I'm in a world of my own.. I know, life's isn't that short but i found it too long.. I'm tired and exhausted.. Everything i do, was so wrong.. Having regrets living forever in regrets.. How much more regrets must i have..? Regret in regretting to have regretted..

The future was planned in a most beautiful piece of my life.. The plans for meeting the parents and relative, 1st time in my life. The plans to own a home, 1st time in my life. The plans to settle down, 1st time in my life. The plans to the future, our future, 1st time in my life. Many 1st times in my life that i NEVER thought of. 1st time i'm being that seriously serious despite not letting anyone know.. Now i'm scared.. I'm afraid.. I'm terrified.. I'm lost.. I'm being paranoid.. I dare not think abt it anymore.. Not that i dun want to but rather... It will be a dream of the bright future but is it really bright or a darkness ready to bestow upon.. Dreams shattered, darkness fell, silence of the surrounding.. I just unable to do it anymore.. I dare not think.. I dare not commit anymore.. No more commitments.. I'm not ready anymore.. I'm gonna exhaust my cpf and dump it into investments for 10yrs.. Without that i wun be able to get a house at all.. I'm gonna continue my studies for dip and deg.. With that i wun be able to settle down any sooner.. I'm gonna turn this blog into a True Life Story Revealing.. With that i wun be able to blog my thoughts anymore.. Unspoken shall lies deep within, never being released.. I'm not what i am anymore as i'm closing up my heart, locking up the door and shutting down the system.. Pretty gals walking past no longer interest me.. I'm back to my old usual pessimistic self, that time before Celena released me from my darkness.. This time i dun think i will let anyone have the key.. My 'mask' had been put on a few days back and i'm comfortable with it.. Break free..? No, i've got no strength to do that.. And i've never thought of doing that.. What's left in the future for me..? Well, there's no future.. And i dun think i need a future.. The story will begin in the next post.. Hope u all will enjoy it.. I've always wanted to write it, thus i did mentioned to Liangzhu that i wanted to write a novel. A novel is not a novel but a true life to be known.. This will reveal the philosophy of life and mistakes of life.. To err is human but i just can't forgive my sins..