Accidentally scrolled to the bottom and read my own blog.. So many things had been forgotten and being recalled again.. It's kinda mixed feelings.. Last time when i wrote on the blog, our status is diff from now.. Which makes me turn back time to tat time.. Yup, her unwanted past.. Her unclear memories to me.. Mentioning this made me recalled last yr in Nov.. I rmb i did called my ex-coll mike before and informed him of my new number.. Then there was once i called him to ask him to club, then he suddenly told me he saw my friend at Orchard where he is working at a hp shop.. I asked to describe and realised it was actually my gf.. Well, at tat moment i know what's in his mind.. Knn me and Jason were the ones to poison his brain due to his unbearable parting with his 3-yrs relationship with jessica.. To make him break free of himself.. Then wat he thinking as if i dunno lor.. He said that he wanted to approach her to get my number as he dun have it.. Excuses lor.. He seen her before as she did came to my ex-company to interview and that time all the guys in the whole company were going gaga over her lor. Dun tell me he is not, unless he is not normal. =.=" Well, afterall all men were alike.. ZzZzZzZz.. Shoot myself again.. =.="
Well, reading more of my past blog made me feel that i'm really a not worthy guy.. Not worthy guy to anyone.. Not worthy to be mentioned.. A look into the past is like looking into a pool of blood, so gore and disgusting.. Can't help being haunted.. I just can't help it.. I just felt it's the end of world to me.. Wat's beoming of me..?
Currently what am i doing..? I seriously dunno.. Time to work, i work.. Time to knock off, i knock off.. Time to slp, i slp.. Time to die, ya i'm still waiting.. I can only feel that the time is taking my life away bit by bit, day by day, wk by wk, mth by mth, yr by yr.. When is this gonna ends..? When is this gonna put a stop to it.. Where's my angel..? Total darkness of blur vision.. I'm in a world of my own.. I know, life's isn't that short but i found it too long.. I'm tired and exhausted.. Everything i do, was so wrong.. Having regrets living forever in regrets.. How much more regrets must i have..? Regret in regretting to have regretted..
The future was planned in a most beautiful piece of my life.. The plans for meeting the parents and relative, 1st time in my life. The plans to own a home, 1st time in my life. The plans to settle down, 1st time in my life. The plans to the future, our future, 1st time in my life. Many 1st times in my life that i NEVER thought of. 1st time i'm being that seriously serious despite not letting anyone know.. Now i'm scared.. I'm afraid.. I'm terrified.. I'm lost.. I'm being paranoid.. I dare not think abt it anymore.. Not that i dun want to but rather... It will be a dream of the bright future but is it really bright or a darkness ready to bestow upon.. Dreams shattered, darkness fell, silence of the surrounding.. I just unable to do it anymore.. I dare not think.. I dare not commit anymore.. No more commitments.. I'm not ready anymore.. I'm gonna exhaust my cpf and dump it into investments for 10yrs.. Without that i wun be able to get a house at all.. I'm gonna continue my studies for dip and deg.. With that i wun be able to settle down any sooner.. I'm gonna turn this blog into a True Life Story Revealing.. With that i wun be able to blog my thoughts anymore.. Unspoken shall lies deep within, never being released.. I'm not what i am anymore as i'm closing up my heart, locking up the door and shutting down the system.. Pretty gals walking past no longer interest me.. I'm back to my old usual pessimistic self, that time before Celena released me from my darkness.. This time i dun think i will let anyone have the key.. My 'mask' had been put on a few days back and i'm comfortable with it.. Break free..? No, i've got no strength to do that.. And i've never thought of doing that.. What's left in the future for me..? Well, there's no future.. And i dun think i need a future.. The story will begin in the next post.. Hope u all will enjoy it.. I've always wanted to write it, thus i did mentioned to Liangzhu that i wanted to write a novel. A novel is not a novel but a true life to be known.. This will reveal the philosophy of life and mistakes of life.. To err is human but i just can't forgive my sins..
