Just came back from a wedding dinner.. Just saw her most beautiful smile, yup a lady in love is always on her most beautiful smile. =) Congratulations again, gal. Bliss till the end, god bless. U both shall have my blessing. =)

U always said, "爱一个人不一定拥有, 但拥有一个人一定要好好去爱..." Yup it's a very responsible thinking/philosophy.. Both u and Jenny never failed to bring in new philosophy to my collections. =) Always taught me the right path and always leading me to the right path. Even when i'm turning astray last yr end, i'm being brought back.. I'm grateful. Thanks..

What comes around indeed goes around.. Vice versa, be it good or bad.. Karma is scary, some call it fate of life. Destiny is not fate but a choice to be made. That's why no matter what happened, i'm always blaming myself 1st.. Coz mainly it's either I asked for it or karma returned it back to me.. Just like the last bad things that happened to me last yr, it's wat that's returned to in ten times the pain I dealt.. Haha.. Well, that's inevitable.. Human can never challenge fate.. It's hard to be a good guy but I felt it's good to be a good guy..

Being so stressed lately.. And somemore darling is sick.. It's more painful to see a loved one suffering than being sick.. My heart ached badly everytime I see my darling in pain.. How I wish I can take away her pain.. Let me be the one to suffer.. Sometimes it hurt so badly that I almost cannot take it.. Ever since I watched Summer Snow, i'm that emotional..

I yearn for eternal, is that too much to ask of..? Sigh..

Many times, felt like making a huge leap to the year 2006.. But I guess I shld give it a pass for now.. The temptation is great but I know I can resist it, like I always did. Yup, Xing is that rush at times.

Ever since the Sherry’s case, Francis sees Xing as pathetic. He got to know 2 gals named Jillian and Winjean. J is tall, sleek and pretty. W is short, big eyes and cute. He took their numbers when he saw them out in the streets. Seeing Xing like that, he decided to intro W to Xing.. This is the beginning of a new nightmare..

Xing started to contact her. They shared a common thing, dog-lovers. That’s how he hit it off with her.. Other than sharing this, of coz they shared their life too.. Well, though they have not met before, Xing seems to have captivate W. Many says it's becoz of his voice.. Sherry mentioned that before, Lynn too.. Simply dun understand that, how can a coarse voice like that able to charm any gals.. Lolx.

Anyway, Xing did requested her photos. Upon receiving the photos, Xing lost all his confidence and had fear when toking to W. Not that she's ugly but rather the opposite.. Very soon W also request for Xing's photos but Xing never liked to take pics as he always think himself as ugly.. However, she din probe further.. As time passes, Xing starts to get anxious and wanted to meet her but on the other hand, he was afraid this might lead to the end of friendship.. Yup, Xing was that useless.

On one fine evening, Xing finally met W to pass her something near her place. After meeting, the duo just part without saying much.. While Xing is on his way home in the bus, he did msg W regarding the next meeting but no respond.. Almost immediately he msg her again and said, "it's ok if u dun wanna meet me anymore de. U just take care. Goodbye." It was quite a harsh msg.. No sense of understanding at all.. Xing is such an idiot.. Sigh.. Well, life still goes on. Even life still goes on, Xing's heart still not resting yet.. Sigh.. Watever for.. He suffered for almost 3yrs, one-sided love with efforts not being paid off no matter how good he treated her.. And worst still, he saw the true colours of his friend. Xing was able to make W felt touched and he almost gotten her.. Expect the unexpected, Xing's friend actually called her and somehow managed to save her.. Xing only came to realise the truth after some time...

Xing's thoughts: Do u really have to treat me this way..? For a gal and u can do this to me? I hate being betray.. If u really want the lass, just let me know and i'll give up the fight. Anyway, no matter in wat aspects, i'll lose to u. I'm utterly disappointed..

Sec 4 is quite a bad yr for Xing as well, the yr he got canned in public..

Xing got to know this guy named Eric. The worst human on earth. Xing was being led astray by the power of greed. Eric seeing this as his weakness, took advantages of it.. Xing was easily being threatened as well, he's such an easy push-over. His aunt gave him a discman and it's like a treasure to him. Eric borrowed it from him and threatened him to do things for him. If xing dun agree, he wun be able to get back the discman.. The feeling of being manipulated, the feeling of being controlled unwillingly.. Not entirely eric's fault, xing had himself to blame as well.. Karma. What comes around will goes around.

When xing entered sec 5, he intended to change, to change for the worst. Therefore, he went for a botak haircut, but immediately the next day he had high fever. So, 1st week of sch he only attended 1 day.. Xing's attendances were no good ever since sec 1. Kept skipping sch and without a valid reason for being absent.. Still rmb there was once he was being called to the principal's office and was being questioned. The principal literally laugh at him when xing said he wanted to go poly.. Well, xing's results were not possible for him to get into poly. Anyway, the more the humiliations, the stronger he gets.. The stronger he gets, the more defensive he is. Though no more in contact with this guy but if he were to come again and stepped on xing's tail, he would get it. Just hope he wun become a snake.

Xing is often seen with Francis. He had served his probation so he's back to World Trade Center. At there playing arcade, if not will be at the indian store.. That place is actually a gathering place for his friend's gang.. Well, xing din really joined them, just mixed around only. Many times when there's war abt to begin, xing will be told to leave 1st. He's always reluctant to leave. He wants to be a part of them, sharing joy having fun and brave the front. Well, it's becoz of Francis only.. Yup xing is that loyal. Because of his character, many would give a helping hand whenever he is in trouble.. Xing is a bad guy, better stay away from him..

Xing is a condemned student in the whole school. No teachers like him, no classmates like him. He's got a real bad temper. There's one incident that one of his mate named kok fai, older than xing by abt 2yrs and taller than xing by more than a head. He loves disturbing ppl. That time one of xing's shoes just fell out and seeing that kf immediately took the shoe and run abt, treating xing like a monkey trying to chase him. After running for a while, xing gave up and stood still with his blood burning. Seeing there's no more fun coz xing is not chasing, kf walk over to xing and laughing. When he's near xing, xing immediately gave him an uppercut from below. Everyone were stunned by that. No one ever expect xing would have such an action.. Well, no blood, guess it's too light for kf. Kf had always thought he is a big boss in class as he is the only one who dare to give the discipline master a punch in the face in public. Well, he doesn't know that xing had given up on life so he dun care at all. Even if it's to play life, he's game anytime.

Xing's thoughts: There's always a limit to all tolerances. Don't try me. I'll dare anyone to take my life. Afterall i'm left with nothing. You wanna play with me, u gotta know ur limit. This is my dad's mentality when he decided to plan on killing the two fools who prey on his wife. His death will bring joy to many, so why not take down two more lives. It's death anyway. So, dun play with me, boy.

Xing is not that violent nor scary as he seems to be.. Being forced to be, under some circumstances he may turn into devil within the angel. Fallen angel is the trail of devil's path. Let's just hope things will be just fine..

Anyway, back to sec 5. Xing is a bad student. No one feels that he gonna make it thru the O-Levels coz even though he's often seen at Tea Garden, a McDonald House near Queensway. He went only to listen to music and chitchat. Otherwise, teaching yx chemistry.. However, he's among the 6 ppl out of 40+ students in his class to graduate and got into poly. But it's a pity. He got merely 4 credits without humanities, thus, he's unable to get into Chemical Engineering nor Chemical Process. In the end, he got into Singapore Poly, Mechatronics. Robots making. =.= And he is alone. No friends at all.

Synopsis: Life at poly. 1st official relationship. The official start of working life.

My post is only halfway done... Anyway, side track a bit today.

It seems that the light is not as painful as it seems to be. Coz i can feel the pain in it. Somehow glad that i get the full picture which explained the whole puzzle. My sense is sharp afterall but not really that acurate. Sharp on using on a wrong aspect. Focusing on a wrong aspect. It's indeed a painful journey. Laughters of joy, tears of pain, agony of hatred. All we have had were almost the same. Felt that only if we can turn back time.. But watever gone will be gone.. Time can never be fetched back.. Cracks can never be undone.. Nightmares can never be forgotten.. We can only move forward now. Often said, "History can repeat itself". Not for me. I will not allow my own history to repeat, never. Unbearable pain and sufferings are hard to withstand.. Still painful for both, but wat to do. Reality bites and it bites real hard. We are both in the wrong and we are both right. There's no way to differenate rights & wrongs, unless we see deep into things. Communication plays a real impt part. With communications, a powerful army can just be vanquished easily due to miscommunications.

Time of pain, time of despair, time of agony. Those are gone. Let's not rack it up again. I will not get those into my blog as well, but i will still post the digusted me in there. For those that i did, for those that i din, for those that i've done, for those that not yet done. I'll still want to protect u no matter how rocks are being thrown at me till even i might die one day.. I will continue to protect just like how i used to be, just like how i wanted to be. Till the last breath, i will fight on.

I'm sorry for things that i had done, i'm sorry for things that i din do, i'm sorry for the pain that i gave, i'm sorry for all the troubles that i've caused, i'm sorry for all the things that i shouldn't have said to wrong u, i'm sorry for all the empty promises.

I'm sorry, i'm just incapable.
I'm sorry, i'm just useless.
I'm sorry, i'm just naive.
I'm sorry, i'm just stupid.
I'm sorry, i'm just insensitive.
I'm sorry, i'm just foolish.
I'm sorry, i'm just an idiot.
I'm sorry, i'm just a freaking worthless ass.
I'm sorry for being sorry but i can't help but to feel sorry. I'm totally disgusted in my actions that allowed such things happen.. Just once, not twice, not thrice.

"Still young. Still too early."
To hell with you, shut the hell up. You are in no rights to shoot that when you yourself are even worst case. Loser.

"There's still other flowers out there."
I already had one in my hand, i'm not supposed to pick another. You can go right ahead, goodbye.

"Marriage? You serious about it? LOL!"
What's so funny? Get a life, i know you dread of marriage. Well, anyway you are just afraid that you can't play anymore.

"Leopards will never change its spots, you know that."
Yup, the good nature old her that i knew has not changed at all.

"Not worth it, you can find a better one."
Well, i'm not your cup of tea. If you think she is no good, u think u are of any better? My foot. In some aspects she's much more better than ya.

"Don't you feel tired? You sure you still got confidence?"
Yup i'm tired, i'm more tired of negatives. Confidence? Yup, i know you don't.

"The future is a long way to go, you seriously got to think carefully about it."
I've been thinking why can't all of you just leave the two of us alone. For god damn sake, get your own. Remember the word 'karma'. What comes around will goes around.

Well, some may find these words/sentences familiar. Yes, i'm just returning them back to you. If not happy, can just bring it on. I'm ready anytime. You want a piece of me? I'll give it to you. I'm weixing, i will not run nor hide nor change my name. You wanna play? I'm game. Becoz i'm serious and this ain't a game.

All good things come to an end. Bliss doesn’t lasts.. That’s always the case.. The good guys always died earlier than the bad guys, as always shown in tv, as well as in reality. Life sux.

Xing is not a filial child.. Not deserved to be loved.. That time his grandpa as admitted to the hospital, he was seriously ill and yet Xing was out with his friends for some fun, think house-warming or something.. He’s being told many times to go home straight but he simply reluctantly to do so until later.. His grandpa was at his deathbed dying and yet Xing still can enjoyed.. Well, he wasn’t told in the 1^st place.. Was only told to go home immediately.. Rebellious as he can be.. He delayed going home early.. When he reached home at Alexandra, his auntie immediately brought him down to take a cab to the hospital.. At the hospital when grandpa’s brother-in-law saw Xing, he gave Xing a one tight slap on his face till he almost fell down.. Xing was stunned not knowing wat’s the actual reason being slapped.. Upon entering the ward, Xing’s grandpa was so happy to see him.. When Xing saw grandpa, he just cried.. Grandpa asked, “Wat’s wrong…? Why are u crying…?” Xing just shook his head while grandpa patted on Xing’s head and said, “You have to be guai ah.. Have to be more sensible from now on, I might not be around to take care of you anymore.. You must learn to take care of yourself ah..” Those words made Xing cried even harder.. Making him recalling all the things that he had done wrong.. Irreversible wrongs.. There are so many things Xing wanna said to Grandpa but no more chances le.. The untold remains untold..

Xing’s thoughts: I’m sorry grandpa, last time I was so foolish and naughty and mischievous.. After all that I’ve done to u all these years.. I’m not worth u loving me anymore and yet at ur deathbed I’m still ur most worried.. I’m dun deserved to be loved.. I’m not worth to be loved.. I’m sorry for my bad.. I’m such a bad guy.. I’m so useless.. I’m sorry grandpa.. I got so much to tell u.. I got so much to let u know, to share with u.. But it’s all too late.. I’m sorry grandpa.. Sorry.. Really sorry.. Really.. Only if there’s one more chance.. I mean if.. I will be good.. I promise.. I love u, grandpa..

Still remember in primary 6, Xing went on teletext chat and put his home tel in there.. In the end, past midnights there are always a lot of prank calls.. Lolx.. All are out to disturb except one. This gal is a yr older than Xing and her name is Lynn. They chatted almost every night around midnight. Xing learnt that Lynn actually got attracted to his voice, saying it’s nice to hear and also that Xing is an interesting guy to talk to. There’s nothing they couldn’t talk about.. But ever since the home tel number was changed due to too many prank calls, Xing lost contact with Lynn totally.. He is still too young to know anything abt calls-tracking and some more it’s always Lynn who called, so Xing doesn’t has her number at all. In the end, it was the end..

Ever since the BK thingy, Victor & Tee were afraid that Xing might do it again.. Thus, Tee took Xing to work with her. Working as a waiter at banquets. Xing is a skinny boy so Tee always help him in serving the heavy dishes like Shark Fin Soup, Steam Fish, etc. Slowly by slowly, bit by bit, Xing learns as he move on.. Stronger and stronger each day, as time passes. More and more familiar he gets with the procedures. Though working as part-timer and the pay is peanut, but somehow Xing feels good earning and spending his own money. So, most of his wk-ends are spent working away.. Think he needs to get a life.. Lolx.. Yup, life’s tough but the going is on..

During the secondary sch days, Xing never studies at all. At home there’s always nothing to do other than watching tv. Xing is not a homely person at all, it will only drive him crazy. Lolx.. Thus, he is always either at Gordon’s place or at ZG’s place. If not would be playing basketballs with the guys. Toking abt that, Xing also got play basketball with JL and YX, mainly at the CC opposite their district. That’s a bad place to play coz there’s too many ants.. Ants that can fly.. =.=” Ya they dun attack ppl but Xing was being attacked by one once. That time at night he was waiting for his friends to come at the CC so he was standing near the basketball court. Suddenly a blind flying ant hit straight into one of his eye. When the thing hit his eye, instantly he shut his eye and the ant was trapped inside. Pain could be felt in that eye, neither closed nor opened could take away the pain.. Xing rushed upstairs to the toilet immediately and tried to wash it off. However, the more he rubbed his eye, the more pain he felt.. It just doesn’t want to come out or rather it can’t get out at all.. After several min of struggles, finally it was removed.. However, Xing’s eye had gone all red.. In the end there’s no basketball for him.. He’s in no condition to play..

During sec 2 there was this interesting incident.. Xing saw a gal from NPCC and he asked Benedict(who was in the NPCC as well), “Who’s that cute gal over there? New student from sec 1 ah?” Ben told Amy abt this thing.. I think the news of ‘Xing like this gal’ got spread around.. =.=” Well, no feeling lor. =.= Can’t even ask.. Sigh.. Well, actually Xing dun have any confident at all.. To him, he finds himself ugly and wun even think of anything else. Still remember in primary sch, kids love to talk abt position in who is the most handsome and who is the prettiest, Xing always avoid such things.. Coz he knows he would be labeled as the ugliest in the whole world.. Anyway back to topic, few wks later Ben came to me and said “Hey!! This is so surprising!!! That gal actually like u!! Haha!! U lucky man!!” By the time Ben finished his sentence, Xing felt that his heart had dropped to the bottom.. He can feel that it’s heavy, a sudden shock. However, no further actions taken. He dun even knows her name. Life still goes on as per normal and the two still remains as strangers, rarely a smile as a greeting. When Xing graduated that, that gal got a transfer. So, maybe they are not fated to be in the 1^st place.

Sec 3 was the worst yr in Xing’s life. Early in the year, Xing starts to sense that something is wrong with ZG.. Though Xing bochap and simply tag along with the gang, but somehow he had the feeling of a little being left out.. His instinct told him that the problem lies on ZG.. Sure enuff, ZG is ignoring Xing. Xing tries to seek for the reason but he failed.. No one seems to know what’s going on.. Even Gordon had no idea but his relation with ZG is as per normal. ZG doesn’t seems to tell anyone wat’s going on, as in why is he ignoring Xing and treating him as if he is an enemy to him.. So suddenly it happened, without a clue.. They never quarrel, never fight, never argue. Xing is always the one who backed out from all these when it comes. Tui Yi Bu Hai Kuo Tian Kong. No point arguing or quarreling when it’s gonna leads to more and more.. That’s why whenever Xing is angry or upset, he always keep everything to himself..

From strangers to friends, from friends to close friends, from close friends to enemies, from enemies to strangers.. Shag lor.. All good things eventually will come to an end.. When there’s a start, there’s always an end; when there’s an end, there’s always a new start.. That’s the nature of life, cycle of life.. What comes around will goes around.. But Xing is unable to digest at all.. Meaning, when there’s an untied knot, unable to get the truth, the soul never rest.. Xing hate being untold of something, something that is not explained, even if it meant to be hurting.. Xing only seeks the light. Without the light, the soul NEVER stay calm.. He is not like any ordinary guys who can forget all abt it when unable to get any answer.. Though he always seems bo chap but he is always hinting and leading the light to be reveal... But he always got into wild imaginations easily, that’s his ultimate weakness. Just like this case, there are ppl telling him that it’s becoz he stole ZG’s limelight so ZG made him an enemy. Some say it’s becoz he’s trying to seize all the advantages of ZG so he is being treated this way. Yup, Xing is a light-listener, he listens to others and believes easily. So, he is really easy to get manipulated though he is easy to calm/bluff as well. Tell him something and he will believe it easily. But once got bitten, u gonna lose all his trust in u.. It’s gonna be hard to regain that trust.. Becoz his mind is made up this way.. Even though u would tell him the truth, he will not believe it entirely.. Even though he dun believe it, he also will not tell.. But there’ll be signs of disbelief.. Sigh.. Xing is hard to please, so pls stay away from him.. He’s not worth it anyway.. Just like how ZG abandoned him, just do it..

Indeed ever since ZG and Xing never tok to each other, Xing’s popularity had dropped.. It’s like a karma.. Oh yes.. It’s payback time.. Muahahaha.. Sigh.. No more ppl gonna challenge him in scoring high for tests and exams. No more ppl gonna jio him go play King of Fighters. No more ppl gonna jio him go play basketball.. Basketball will only reminds him of the incident.. Well, Xing is a very forgiving person but he will never forgets.. He is not being petty, that’s just his nature. Some says he is sentimental. Well, maybe..

Xing’s thoughts: Only if memories can be erased or edited, please. Cut away my bad moments, remove them forever. Painful is not as painful as bad memories that are unable to be forgotten.. So tired being jailed in memories.. One is consider too much to handle, yet more and more bad memories being created.. Maybe it shld be labeled as nightmares instead.. The unwanted memories.. Only death can take it away.. Life sux..

Well, it’s merely just a beginning.. There’s no end to shits. Like someone always said, shits happen, just hope it wun happen that often. Anyway, shits are part and parcel of life.. Ppl can’t live without shitting ah.. Shitting is the purpose of removing waste food and toxics from the body.. Anyway just continue the story.

Xing’s 2^nd uncle had bought a flat at Jurong, somewhere at near Chinese Garden MRT. He told granny to sell the current flat and keep the money. Then he asked Xing if he wanna come over to stay with them.. It’s a 5-room flat, 3 rooms. Master bedroom for the owner and his wife, another room for granny and a spare room vacant. He said when he was young he yearn for a room of his own but it was impossible so saying that he can understand Xing’s feeling as Xing’s family is way below average.. Xing was overjoyed.. But he forgot the word, Cherish.

Going back home from sch is tedious.. Gotta take bus 32 to commonwealth then transfer to bus 198. The whole journey took more than an hr plus waiting time.. It was boring traveling home alone daily and had to wakey early to go sch.. As time passes, he got used to it and gotten few mates traveling together.. Gordon had moved to Holland Drive so he is also taking bus 32. Benedict staying at Dover so he is taking bus 32 & 198. Francis is staying at Clementi so he is taking bus 32 & 198. Overall, half of Xing’s journey is being accompanied but this is the start of rotting..

Ben’s family is quite well-to-do so he is often shopping at Queensway. There’s once he asked Xing along when he wanted to go there buy something as well as for a game or two on King of Fighters, Xing went. At that time, Xing’s mind is still being jailed on the ZG’s thing.. Ben is a smoker and he always hide at the staircase and smoke. That time Xing accompany him. Ben only left with 2 sticks of Marlboro Mentol Lights so he’s thinking of finishing it so that he dun have to bring home at all since he can’t smoke at home.. Lighted one and he asked Xing to help him hold while he gonna light another. Xing just took over the cigarettes and immediately put it to his mouth and inhaled. Ben was stunned and asked, “Hey! I din know u smoked! Lolx! Shocking!” Xing looked at him without saying a word and carry on smoking.. That’s how Xing resumed smoking in sec 3..

Francis repeats his sec 3 so he is in the same class as us. He is under probation at the moment due to fighting. Everyday he had to reach home in time waiting for the officer to call to check on him. Well, despite his records, he is really a nice guy. Brotherly enough, knows how to take care of ppl. He used to be from HK(a gang) but no longer stick with them ever since he gana the probation.. Turning a new life eh.. It’s hard to be a good guy.

Gordon’s dad business isn’t doing very good so they had to move down to a smaller flat leaving their condo vacant to be rented, earning a little cash.. But doesn’t seems to be able to find any..

Xing is indeed not a homely person at all. Sometimes he would either go to Ben’s place or Francis’s place or Gordon’s place to stay.. Sometimes also come back to his own home. Ben’s place got computer so they would go play irc. Francis’s place got playstation so they would play games. Gordon’s place is his fave, got computer & playstation. Xing stayed at Gordon’s place the most. Playing irc challenging see who can get most number within a time limit. Playing playstation challenging on the soccers as well as some other games. Playing the latest pc games like Heroes of Might & Magic. Another place is worth mentioning. Gordon’s vacant condo. Lolx! That’s the best place for Gordon, Francis and Xing. No idea why Ben dun like it. Anyway, there’s computer, swimming pool, gym, rollerblades and most important….. No government!!! Muahahahahaha!!! A pity that Francis cannot stay overnight.. Thus, we would go there on Saturdays morning meeting around 6.30am and move out at 7am(coz Francis can only leave house at 7am) to Ginza Plaza for breakfast. Then from there take bus 10 direct to Upper East Coast. When they reached they would go and put their things and relax then go for a morning swim. Shiok!! The pool is all theirs!! Then after that go blading at the carpark at basement 1. That’s the place where Xing learns how to blade.. But till now he still dunno how to blade properly.. Sometimes they would go Bedok for food.. They love stingray. $8 per plate shared by 3. It’s darn spicy but they love it.. They will head for home around 5.30pm coz Francis had to reach home and wait for call.. Sigh.. But anyway, he only left with few more mths only.. Pray nothing happens and extend his probation..

In class there’s this gal called Sandy. Quite a pretty ah lian. Our uniform top is white and she always wear sky blue bra or yellow bra. =.=” Typical ah lian. However, we urge Francis to get her.. Coz he is the most handsome among us. Well, it’s meant to be a bet that he can’t get her.. But he did.. Zzzzzzzzz. Well, he’s good with gals. But anyway, the gal was being ditched very soon coz Francis got bored easily due to easy catch.. Then next came Gordon’s sister.. This time we thought he’s gonna be serious coz it’s a friend’s sister.. Gordon’s sis, Valerie, is quite chio, also a bit ah lian but she sure knows how to doll up herself. Much better in terms of character as compared to Sandy though Sandy is older. Anyway, it also doesn’t last long..

Xing had never been in love. He came to know this net friend named Sherry. Her voice is not bad, quite sweet. Without seeing each other, they came together and communicate through pagers. Lolx.. Yup, ‘wtf’ some said. Anyway, it doesn’t work out at all. Complete crap. It’s not even love.

Synopsis: More shits to come. Turning life.

Xing is quite sporting in school. He joined a lot of ECAs.. Drumming, Track & Field, Table Tennis, Badminton, Softball, etc. Well, maybe he’s naturally sporting; maybe it’s becoz of friends. He simply loves affections and attentions but often din get it. Anyway, he join whatever his friends join. Haha.. His temper is not good as well. He can blow off easily.. Well, actually he just want to attract attention by blowing up.. There’s once when he was cycling with friends at the basketball court near the neighborhood and there were some malay kids trying to play punks by throwing the ball at Xing. Having hit, Xing immediately jump off the bike letting the bike crashed and walked towards the bunch of punks. An angered face filled with killing intention flows and that startled the kids.. Many thought troubles might occur but nothing actually happened. Xing merely trying to scare them a bit and he succeeded. Xing doesn’t has a good temper but a short temper. He can flared in basically anything anyhow..

Primary 6 is the most interesting year. Xing is a naïve boy. Despite him being introvert, he is not afraid to say anything stupid.. Remember there was once when the trio gathers and talk abt who like who. JL says that there was this girl named Jeslyn who liked him YX says there was this girl named Karen who liked him. Having no news that who liked him, Xing simply exclaimed that he liked both girls.. Lolx.. And the news were being spread like wildfire throughout the whole school.. And of coz the news would get to the girls. Expected to be felt disgusted by his own remarks since Xing himself is a simply-bo-chap guy, amazingly nothing of sort happen..

Instead weird things happened.. The two girls actually felt honored and started to notice Xing. When Xing went for his soccer game, Jeslyn actually came and cheered for him. O.O When Xing was playing Chinese chess in class with his mate, Karen actually came over and shared his seat until she got teased then she walked away. When having remedial lessons by principal at AVA room, Xing was pulled to sit beside Jeslyn with Jeslyn’s so-called brother. And in there, they actually held hands.. O.O Nothing were said, just like that and days passed till the end of the year waiting for graduation. On the day of graduation, Karen’s best friend approached Xing and told Xing that Karen asked if they wanna go on steady but Xing simply rejected by saying, “Nope, I’m sorry but I dunno wat’s steady.” With that, both went their own ways without further contact..

Xing’s thoughts: I really dunno wat’s that for.. Being in a relationship, pronounced as bf/gf then after that wat’s supposed to happen next? Go out on dates but with no money how to go on dates? Confused yet curious but I’ll just leave it to time. As time will tells…

Upon graduation, Xing went to work part-time by selling Christmas cards at Orchard area with groups of friends including Jeslyn. Well, they were not together just working together. Working was tough, by selling the cards for $3.00 would be getting $1.00 as pay.. With the main characteristic of Xing, he only able to sell few cards per day.. So, he proceed on to door-to-door selling at Lengkok Bahru near Karen’s place and also did approached her mum. Well, actually he just wanted to see how’s Karen doing.. At that time there’s no such things as handphones and computers. Thus, Karen and Xing can only communicate thru snail mails.. Indeed, snails crawl slow. =.=

Victor found a new place to stay at Chin Swee Road. But it’s kind of rundown. Having a foldable bed placed outside the corridor. Yup, that’s the place they slept.. Anyway, better than no place to stay.. Though it’s kinda cold early in the morning but ok lah.. Still sleepable lah.. Slowly with the help of a friend, Victor finally got a new house at the 8^th floor. Ever since then, Xing moved back to live with his parents.. That’s why he chose Nan Chiau High School as his sec sch coz he can walk to and fro sch everyday.

Leading a different lifestyle. Xing will not be like last time, Xing will not be able to get wat he always wanted. Well, at least he finally got a place called home.. However, still the same. Xing is not a homely person at all. Asking him to stay will sound as if gotta cost his life.. Lolx. Thus, he got new neighborhood friends. Monkey, ah choi, dizhu, peizhen, etc. The swimming kakis as well as 4^th floor stoning kakis. Stoning as in gather at 4^th floor chitchatting, not the illegal stuffs. Xing would never touched that and he hated those. Coz those were the harmful substances that landed Victor into jail. And had also caused many lives on earth.. Sigh.. Those abusers only know how to escape from problems. Running away is a way out but not an eternal problem solver. Haiz.. Ya I know reality bites but it doesn’t kills. =.=”

There was this unforgettable event at Jalan Kukoh near Xing’s place. That noon he was with a friend at there. As they are walking from the bridge approaching the HDB building, they heard screams and shouting. The duo were stunned there. Suddenly a man covered with blood came running towards their direction and he bump onto Xing. Xing’s clothing was smeared with some blood. Xing was totally shocked and dumbfounded. He lost his sense on how he shld react to the situation. First encounter with close-up violent..

Another one was at Tiong Bahru. That time Xing went over to Victor’s friend’s place to stay over so as to attend the following day’s BBQ. That night another incident occurred.. Victor, Tee, Ling and Xing were all at there at the BBQ. Including Victor’s friends, mainly teenagers 20+ of age. Out of nowhere came this groups of youngster with motor helmets in their hands towards our direction and with the fill of killing intention. Xing sensed troubles.. One of the guys approached Victor’s friend ah an.. He asked, “Hey u, why u kept staring at us? Stare for what fuck?” Having said that, the next guy swing his helmet onto ah an’s gf’s head.. Immediately blood can be seen.. The rest started whacking one another already.. 3 person hitting ah an so he got no choice but to run.. Victor can’t help out as his wife and children are around.. He can only watched helplessly..

When the sch starts not long, Xing was approached by his friend Zhiqiang. ZQ is working at Burger King and seeing Xing got no work, he asked Xing to join him.. Though both are underage but they still work.. It was tough.. Think the rate is only $1.50/hr.. Thus, ZQ had something in mind… Both of them had a thorough discussion and planning.. Then the plot was executed the next day.. At the end of the day, both of them earned estimated $100 total then at night they went arcade and had all the fun they could.. The next day, they did it again.. ZQ was being suspected at first and was searched but nothing found.. Xing too, but also nothing found.. Suddenly a while later the lady manager told Xing to go into the office.. Inside there finally Xing was caught.. When being probed who’s involved, Xing simply keep mum.. Xing’s mouth was totally shut even after the police came to take him away.. The manager was being sarcastic that Xing dun even want to cry and beg for forgiveness, trying to act strong. Said that if Xing were to cry, they might consider dropping the case.. Nothing of sort happened, coz Xing remained calm and mum. Xing is just being loyal to friends.

First time sitting at the police station, not for visiting but being questioned, being charged.. Xing’s mind was totally blank, not wishing to think of anything at all.. Xing was being bailed out by Victor, however, Victor did not scold him at all.. The following Xing would have to attend the court, so both of them woke up early and went to Manhattan for breakfast. 2 breads with 2 half-boiled eggs and a hot milo.. That seems to be the best breakfast Xing ever had..

As Xing was underage and also was a first time offender, so there was this officer who tried to help him by sending a charge to BK as well for employing underage worker. Eligible age to work is min 14yrs old. So, it’s kind of illegal to employ Xing and ZQ. Xing undergo some counseling and was released on the same day after taking down testimonial. Xing had to report back again in a wk. Now Xing’s records is not clean anymore.. Only a handful of friends know abt this incident..

Xing had stopped wearing his specs. His vision degree was roughly 100+ on the left and 300+ on the right, ya lazy eyes. He wore specs ever since he was 7.. Well, looking at the world with a blurred vision wasn’t that bad, coz since everything were blurred, couldn’t care much.. Had he given up on the world already..? Or he had given up on himself..?

Xing can blend into a group or conversation easily thus in sch he can chat with anyone basically. Xing came to know of two friends, Zhonggui and Gordon. Slam Dunk is the key to the bonding of the three.. Lolx.. ZG loves Slam Dunk and kept asking Xing to read the comics but Xing simply refused by saying, “What’s so interesting abt balls? Bo liao lor. 10 ppl chasing after a stupid ball.” Despite that, ZG did not give up. He tried conveying that the comic was hilarious rather than all abt basketball.. After persuading for mths, Xing finally gave up and started reading and enjoying Slam Dunk. Xing dunno how to play basketball but after finishing Slam Dunk, everyday after sch he would follow ZG & Gordon to the CC nearby their sch to play a game or two.. Basketball had became their fave past-time.

As time passes by, the trio become very close. Gordon is staying at a condo at Upper East Coast and among us he is the only one with computer. We always go to his place for a swim, rollerblading, gym, etc. Most of the time will be either playing his com or playstation.. ZG cannot stay over outside as his mum is very strict with him. As for Xing, his parents dun care much as long as he informs where he’s gonna be.

Ever since Xing been together with ZG & Gordon, he had became popular in sch as well.. He is on good terms with everyone. Especially that he got a great brain that many admire and often being challenged in tests.. But Xing most of the time wins when it comes to maths & science. Despite the challenges, Xing is always ready to help anyone coping with their understanding of their homework. Xing is the most mischievous student in class. Who dare to speak out in public telling a gal that she’s exposed? Well, Xing dares. By doing that openly would makes all the gals embarrassed. Well, it’s not Xing’s fault, who told them not to self-love. =P Anyway, Xing did it with 2 intentions. To have fun by gaining popularity with the rest of the guys(u know, guys love dirty jokes. =.=”) and also to warn the gals(as well as to create a fear in them to make them learn to protect themselves.). Xing’s classmate, Amy, even approached Xing and asked how she could avoid ‘zao geng’.. Lolx.. Rather funny sia. Everyone simply classified Xing as a pro. =.=”

Synopsis: The feeling of being seen as an enemy. The end of friendship, the end of popularity, the start of changing life, life of a bad guy.

Tonight gonna sidetrack a bit. The post was already ready but instead i will like to blog a bit of myself tonight, almost lost myself..

Not enuff slp made me mentally unstable. That's not all. Finally gotten my angpow from my company today and found that it's only $12.00. Freak out by that. That farker kept calling me and told me to buy him beer. Told him so many hundreds of time and yet kept saying the same thing over and over again. Lived until 50+ still dunno how to think. Farker dunno live so long for what. Thought that at least i've got one thing that i had and could calm myself even though the whole whole world is falling, yet another arise.

What the hell is going on today? Am i supposed to go berserk today? Am i supposed to go haywire today? It's so hard to suppress self till almost broke down.. I really dun understand what's going on. And even after settling the problem, reached home another problem arises. Freaking dunno wat's wrong with him. Dun understand simple english nevermind, still dunno how to see the weather. Fark sia dun wan eat means dun wan eat lah, wat's the farking big deal with wastage of food. I've been trying so hard to control myself and yet wat's the freaking point.. Maybe i shld learn how to let go and loose control.. Really very tired of living... No glimpse of light at all? Am i really ready to end it all? Is it the end already? What is this shagness that i'm feeling it. And best of all, my freaking firefox's bookmarks all gone. God damn it.

Weixing: Wat is going on..? I'm really feeling very tired..
Angel: Dun worry, u are just tired..
Devil: No, u are just tired of ur life.
W: Well, i'm really tired..
A: Go take a rest now..
W: I'm not that kind of the tired.. Not sleepy at all..
D: Yes i can feel ur tiredness. I can feel u warm inside.
W: Ya, indeed..
A: Cool it, thought u had already taken a cold bath?
W: Yup it works a little..
D: Is that really wat u wanted?
W: I dunno..
A: U are doing fine, dun think so much.
W: I can't help it..
D: Ya so many things are bothering u. U can really dun think?
W: I wish i can.. I thought of drinking today but i can't. Firstly, i've promised someone i will not drink without any permission. Secondly, drinking will not solve but will make me think even more...
D: Excuses.
W: Really..
A: U are doing fine, drinking will not solve everything and in the state u are in now it will only make things worse..
W: Ya, that's true..
D: Not true at all. It's all ur excuses. U just wanna run away. Coward.
W: Maybe.. I thought that's the best thing to do..?
D: U really think that u can sleep with all those things running in ur head? U can bluff everyone but u can't bluff urself. U know wat i mean.
A: Dun listen to that.. Just follow ur heart..
W: I dunno.. I'm so confused now..
D: Confused? Ask then. Seek the answer to ur doubts!
W: I dunno wat u are toking abt..
D: Stop lying to urself. Both u and i know.
A: Forget abt it.. U dun even wish to know so wat's the point of asking? Everything had come to such a state and u still wanna probe? So wat u gotten the answer? Will u be truly satisfied?
D: Well, ya. U had come to such a state so wat's there not to be known? Wat's there not to be said? Just go ahead.
W: Both of u got ur point but i'm just in a dilemma in what i shld do..
D: No need to be that. Just ask. U forgot what u've learnt? Anything that doesn't kill u will make u stronger.
W: Hmmm?
D: Hmmm wat? U are always like that. No wonder u are so freaking useless. Forever useless.
W: Yes i'm useless..
A: No u are not useless at all. U just dun wanna pick a fight. Well, u just dun wanna find troubles..
W: Ya, i did felt that way..
D: Rubbish! U yearn to know the truth and i know that.
W: No, not that..
D: Yes u are. If not why u kept thinking abt him?
W: Well, he was being racked up.. Not as if i wanna think abt him..
D: Dun lie. I know u are a person who bear grudges though u always dun say. I did not forget how u hated ur 3rd auntie's husband who slapped u. I believe u will burst up if he were to step on ur tail again.
W: That was in the past.. Yes i admit i still hated him though it had been more than a decade since that incident.. But i'm still staying calm whenever i see him...
A: Ya, u are indeed a very forgiving person.. So just forget abt it..
W: I can forgive but i can't forget. Let the car hit me right on my head and make me lose my memory. Only with that then i can forget it.
D: Yup that's right. Fight for ur rights. To hell with the righteous. No point being a nice person, it's so tough to be nice and yet no one will appreciate that. Wastage of energy only.
W: Well, that's true..
A: Dun listen to that.. U know how good it is to be good. No one likes a bad egg..
D: Haha! Carry on and be bullied then, weakling!
W: I'm not a weakling.. I'm just not used to be bad..
D: U freaking dun lie, u are once a bad person. What's the freaking big deal? And that time u enjoyed being a bad guy, i dun believe u forgotten all the thrills.
W: Well, that's true but....
A: Have u also forgotten how u are being outcast by everyone..?
W: Ya.. Pain... I wun forget the pain..
D: Yes, painful right? So, wat's the point in being good? Coz being good is much more painful. U know that urself!
W: I dunno.. I really dunno if i can take it anymore..
D: Then dun waste ur effect suppressing it. Bottled up too much and once it burst, it would be worst and it might even be the end of you. Think abt it.
A: No, all's well. No need to think so much..
W: I really dunno.. Pls leave me alone.. Let my mind rest..
D: U really can rest meh? Do u really enjoy torturing urself?
W: Stop it.. I dun wanna listen anymore.. Just leave my mind and leave me alone.. I just wanna be alone for now.. Go away..
A: Okok u rest well, tml the sun will still shine on u..
D: Just think abt wat i told u. Think hard, dun be such useless ass.

Signal lost...............................................................................................

JL and Xing stays so near, thus, everyday after sch would get together to play. Be it playground or at either one's place. As time goes by, they became closer and closer like real brothers.. Thru JL, Xing gets to know more and more friends. Life's afterall not that bad.. At primary 3, Xing gets to know yuxiang aka yx. And he is also staying at blk137, 2nd floor. His mum opened a flower shop at 1st floor, both are linked.. Whenever we got nothing to do, will go over to disturb yx coz he is always arrowed to watch the shop.. Hehe.. Soon the 3 of us became very close.. Cycling, playing catching at playground, skateboarding, playing marbles, playing arcade, playing console games, collecting and selling of dragonballs cards, playing basically anything. Well, that time yx was like the big bro of the whole of Alexandra.. Lolx.. Seriously, he is the only one who got the 'aura'.. Haha. If there were to have a gang at the neighborhood, he would have been the boss. =P

Most intriguing, YX is one of the few who attracted a lot of gals... =X Wonder if i can named a few... Hehe.. He shld rmb if mentioned.. QL who always does his homeworks for him, XM who seems to be the perfect gal for him, LY who is tall and beautiful which everyone yearns for, XH and XJ also kinda cute. Well, dun be mistaken. Not all interested in him and also not all he interested in.. =P Just named a few that worth mentioning..

Mentioning LY aka Jocelyn, reminds of a shameful incident.. That was cruelty reality.. No wonder reality bites.. Just before that. Xing came to know a friend, Fucheng aka FC. After knowing him a while, Xing decided that they shld exchanged numbers. Then when in class, everyone is supposed to sit in their seats and cannot move about. But Xing is a very anxious person, whenever he decided on something he would want to get it settled immediately. Thus, he written his home tel on a small piece of paper and wanted to throw it to FC during lessons.. That time LY was sitting beside Xing, so Xing asked her for a favor. Xing wrapped the paper around a rubber and requested LY to help him throw over to the back of the class while his planning was to go and retrieve it then on his way back to his seat he would remove the paper and pass to FC.. LY was also a mischievous gal. She said ok then she kept the thing in her pocket not wanting to return.. =.= Wat can Xing do? He kept asking her to throw it but she cheekily refused to do so and feign ignorant.. Seeing that, Xing tickle her and force her to take out the rubber.. There's a friend from behind named Shiguang and he saw what happened.. Finally LY took out the rubber and suddenly put it on the chair and sits on it.. Innocent Xing just reach out for the rubber before she sits on it.... And she screamed when that happened.. The teacher was alerted and found out what happened.. Molest case. Xing was dumbfounded.. He was being called to the front of the class and being questioned.. Not wanting to reveal the whole plan, he just said he did not molest LY.. He said he got a witness that he did not do that, which is Shiguang.. But Shiguang said he saw everything and Xing indeed did it.. When LY was asked if she was molested, she also said yes.. Unable to explain anything, unable to defend himself, Xing simply kept mum and was canned with a ruler on his right hand right infront of the whole class..

Xing's thoughts: What the hell is going on with the world..? Why is these happening to me..? What's the truths and what's the lies, no one can feel it..? Or my face is already written 'molester' all around..? What a sucky world..

That time Xing is still so young and he had to undergo such sufferings.. Sigh.. What a good life he lived.. No one believed him.. Even FC thought he plotted it.. Anyway, this incident spread the whole school except for his guardians.. No point telling them, anyway no one would believed him.. Xing always kept things to himself and remain silent.. Silent means golden, he thought..

Xing's uncle had high hopes for him to achieve great results for a brighter future.. Thus, he hired a tuition teacher for him. Quite a fierce one.. But that doesn't gonna work.. The more she's fierce on him, the more he show no interest and dun wanna do his homeworks.. The teacher eventually gave up on him.. Well, Xing's like that one.. He can be quite stubborn at times.. The more he's being forced to do a thing, the more rebellious he becomes.. Same thing applies when Victor told him not to smoke and drink, but can only smoke and drink in front of him..

Victor always gather with his friends at the market and Xing would be there. Xing saw Victor kept drinking the same thing, outta curiosity he asked what's that Victor's drinking. Nice meh? Victor told him it's water, normal water.. Then Victor's friend told Xing to try, and he did.. After tasting the beer, Xing almost vomited and exclaimed that such disgusting drinks also got ppl want to drink.. Then next came the smoking part.. Xing asked Victor how come got sound one when Victor is smoking the thing. It was Gudam Garam, dunno if it's spelt this way.. Anyway, it's the kind of cigarettes that yield a 'burning leaves' sound when puff.. Victor's friend again told Xing to try, saying that it's sweet one unlike the beer.. So he did.. This time it's ok, something new and interesting.. Victor always smoke Camel non-filter. Whenever he at home and wanted to smoke, he would asked Xing to lit for him and take a few puffs before passing on.. It was until there's once Xing chocked on the 1st puff he took too deep and even vomited.. It was a very xingku feeling.. Ever since then, Xing was barred from smoking and drinking..

Synopsis: What is love? Exploration of love. What is work? Starting to sweat for work for money. What is jail?

Dun think Ling knows who is Ching.. Or maybe she got the idea that she did had a younger sister.. When Ching was born, Ling was only 2yrs old.. Xing had thought of looking for his long-lost sis.. But he had no clue where to look for.. Victor doesn’t says a thing.. Neither Tee mention.. It’s a small world but it’s not really that small when such thing occurs..

Most of the time, Xing is living with his grandparents coz Victor & Tee could hardly survive with carrying Ling around.. So, whenever there’s chance of going to stay with them, even though it’s for a little while, Xing would still wanna go.. Despite his grandparents treating him very good.. Buy him everything that he wanted.. When he wanted a new box of crayons for K1 opening, his granny will just buy for him.. When he wanted a new bag and pencil case, his granny will just buy for him.. He just dun appreciated all that’s given.. It’s as if they owe him.. Life’s like that.. Only when it’s gone or abt to be gone then a person will start to appreciate.. By the time it’s too late..

Xing’s thoughts: I will always treasure and cherish what i have. By treating everyday as if it’s the last day, as if it’s Armageddon.. Kept reminding myself that.. Do what i want to do with no regrets.. You will never know when it’ll ends. Coz life’s unpredictable..

Due to heavily in debts, Victor is afraid to go work, becoz if those people were to see him, he’s gonna be dead meat.. Therefore, Tee started working as a part-time waitress for banquet dinner.. She work just to make ends meet.. It must be tough on her.. Well, Victor doesn’t purposely got in debts.. He’s a high-paying worker but it’s an odd job that he’s doing.. If there’s no ships coming in, it will mean no work.. You can’t have the best of both worlds.. That’s the way of life.. By taking loans, he can easily clear it off by pay day.. However, it’s an unpredictable job he’s doing.. And the interest is high.. Sigh.. Anyway, he did it partially for the family.. Can’t blame him for that.. He’s really a nice person..

Victor finally found a flat at ABC market, near the current Queensway IKEA.. Xing started studying at Alexandra Hill Primary School.. There’ll be a bus taking him to and fro. Sometimes he would return home after school since it’s so near his sch.. There was once there’s a bookfair at school and Victor gave Xing $5.00 for him to buy books he like. And Xing’s auntie gave him $10.00 also for him to buy books.. At the fair he bought a few books and left with $5.00 but when he reached home he was questioned by his auntie on why he did not said he was already given $5.00. It was a small issue.. Xing reach for his pocket to take out the green colour $5.00 note to explain that even though he did not said anything, he did not anyhow spent.. But, Xing can’t find it in his pocket.. Everyone says Xing is lying.. Gotten whacked to seek the truth outta him but still, Xing repeat himself but nothing seems to get into their head… Absolutely none believed him.. Even his granny.. Even his parents.. It was a Friday..

Xing’s thoughts: I’m telling the truth and yet no one believes me.. Why would there be a need to tell a lie for such small issue..? I was taught that by telling the truth of the things I did wrong will not caused my life. But with the fact that no one understands me.. It’s as good as being dead.. 1^st time ever thought of living the world, 1^st time feeling that no point living on when there’s no one to believe me.. And somemore it’s my closest people around me who doubted me..

A week had passed since that incident and life’s goes on for Xing.. He had changed a little more introvert ever since then.. No point saying things since no one will believe a word anyway.. Then on Friday after school, as usual Xing returns home punctually.. When he change into his home wear, the $5.00 note drop out from his sch shorts and his granny saw it.. Xing din say much nor bother to explain much.. He’s just hate of being wrongly accused.. This incident forever etched deep inside him and no one knows abt it..

Xing is indeed quite a bright boy.. That yr in primary one he came in position 7 in class and felt quite satisfied with his performance.. He expected to welcome praises when he break the news.. However, no one did.. Victor said he is useless, only gotten 7^th place. Uncles and Aunties did say anything either..

Xing’s thoughts: I thought I did my best just to get a little recognition, some praises, little bit of appreciations, little bit of love.. Just a little would do.. But nothing.. Am I seriously that useless and worthless…? I just need a little bit, is that too much to ask of..? I doesn’t felt loved at all.. Maybe I shouldn’t come into this world in the 1^st place..

That was not the only painful memory for primary 1.. As all of us know, wat to be expected from a 7yr-old kid.. Well, Xing loves fun. Sitting on the sch bus at the backseat is the most fun experience.. Becoz whenever there’s humps, he will go up, bouncing up.. How fun.. Haha.. However, the people always seized the seats and told Xing to go away.. He can only sit alone and enjoy the fun alone when the rest had gotten down.. But he is still happy, at least he had a chance to try.. Even though he is alone…

Not only that, there was another incident. The sch field is big and there are buildings near the end of the field. Those buildings are deserted.. There’s a myth that ghosts lurk in there.. At night they would roam freely in there.. At the 1^st floor u can see a table in one of the unit and there’s a glass bottle in there.. Heard that if u knock over the bottle, the ghosts will be furious and will haunt u down.. Xing dun believe in such things so he is up to some mischief again.. He took a rock and threw it into the house and hit the bottle down… When he is on his way back home in the sch bus, ppl kept telling him to go home and pray hard.. Then they started telling him scary things.. He wasn’t supposed to be afraid until at night.. There’s a knock on the door and he opened it but see no one.. Granny says there’s no knocks at all.. Now, he’s afraid and he’s crying.. Granny took him to see some sensei and finally calm him down.. Till date it still gave him the chills.. Even after request for a transfer of sch..

Upon graduation, Xing is being transferred to Keng Seng Primary School and the 1^st friend he made is Jinlun aka JL, who stays at blk 137 while Xing’s staying with granny at blk 136 at Alexandra Road. When Xing’s at previous sch, he had no friends at all.. This is his 1^st friend..

Synopsis: Upcoming childhood life of Xing..

PS: Sorry abt previous synopsis. It was a bad one.. Anyway, just stay tuned. All these are based on true stories, some never told, some never mentioned. It’s gonna be complete collection of Xing’s memory. Got asked why do I blog.. Well, I might not have the chance to. Life’s unpredictable.. Anyway, there’s a lot of unspoken truths.. Xing is not that simple neither complicated as he can be.. More yet to come, 25yrs ain’t living for nothing.. If Xing’s life were to be a movie, it would be an interesting one. Haha..

Devastated as she can be.. Tee learn to pick herself up from her fall. At least she still got Xing, though no always by her side. But she's glad that Xing doing fine with her mum..

Xing was pampered by everyone. Staying at a small little house with so many aunties and uncles and most impt his two grandparents. Some says granny dote on him much more than any of her children.. Well, Xing still dunno wat's good for him.. Sigh.. Xing always request to go home with mummy and daddy, not knowing if they can afford it. It's all becoz Victor kept buying him toys.. Even though he ain't have enuff for himself, he would still buy for Xing..

Victor and Tee had to keep moving house as Victor starts to owe a lot of personal debts.. Need to run away.. Sometimes Xing would follow them even though it's gonna be sleeping in the streets.. When the hard time comes, they even had to bathe at the Swimming Pool or even at the beach, changi beach. Sometimes when there's no way to go, they would take a bus which dunno will take them to where.. Sailing on without a destination.. Changi Beach is not a nice place to sleep.. A lot of mosquitoes.. People's Park OG 2nd floor on the bridge is not a nice place to sleep.. Very humid and dirty.. Corridors is not a nice place to sleep.. So many pests crawling around..

They finally found a new place to stay at Redhill area, near ABC market. One of the house that lasted longest.. Even though there are times that there are no lights and water at all.. Candles are everywhere.. The only source of light.. Water had to be taken illegally outside but tampering with the thing outside... Bucket of water being stored everywhere.. Food are scarce.. $2.00 mixed veg rice shared among 3 person, 1 meal per day.. Life's tough but Xing still dun wanna go back granny's place.. Tough life but simple enuff.. He is that easy to be satisfied..

Occasionally Xing would go back to his own home to suffer.. Soon after, Tee was pregnant again.. This time no idea what's the child's name and no idea where is the child now also... Sigh.. At times Victor would bring Xing to his workplace to play arcade, racing horse. It's such a fun game till he addicted to it.. Lolx.. Xing also had a favourite yellow 4-wheel bike but got teased by others saying he dunno how to ride a 2-wheel bike.. Unable to stand the shame, Xing request Victor to remove the two side wheels. Having it done, Xing whole day would get on his bike and learning how to ride it in a hard way, by banging onto walls. =.=" By remembering the pain, u will learn better. Afterall, no pain no gain.

Time really flies.. Tee was pregnant once again.. This time she was being watched and made sure that the child was not gone.. Granny even bought tonics for her, bring her for checkups. That's how Ling came into the world. Xing is rather jealous of Ling as Ling is being taken care of by her own parents and Xing had lesser chance going back to his own home ever since Ling was born.. But he do not know that his life is much better than Ling's...

Soon after, Victor starts to get into more debts due to no work. And it's not just normal debts but bad debts with high interest.. Even Tee's name was being used and they had to do collection at Granny's place.. Everyone there hated them for causing such dismay.. But can't be helped.. It's Grandpa who cleared for Tee.. They all said it's Victor's fault and Tee should have just divorced him but she doesn't listen to them.. They just kept moving and moving and moving.. Telok Blangah, Redhill, Queensway, Queenstown, Ajunied, Tampines, Ang Mo Kio, Seng Kang, Outram. Too many to mention. Anyway, they are known as the wanderers, who do not have a place called home.. During the wandering, Tee actually gave birth to another baby gal named Ching. No one knows when did that happen. But they did bring Ching to Tee's mum once a while for some food. Everyone love Ching as she is the most cutest baby in the world. Kept smiling and smiling and smiling, non-stop. Her smiles melted everyone, even Xing liked his baby sister too. That time Xing was already started schooling at Alexandra Hill Primary School..

However, good things do not last long.. Due to the tough life the trio is living, they are unable to accept one more mouth.. So, they are left with no choice.. When Xing came to learn abt it, he was angry and sad. No matter how Victor and Tee explained, he simply dun listen.. Even got beaten up by Victor but still no use.. This time he really hated Victor.. But anger doesn't last very long. Soon, he was pacified by Victor with tons of toys, at the expense of his little sis.. Xing learn it when he grow up... No one knows where Ching had gone to.. But Victor assured that she is in good hands, will have good life..

Xing's thoughts:
To be with natural parents to suffer, or not to be with natural parents to live a better life? One can never be able to get the best of both worlds.. Reality bites.. That's forever the case.. Life's sux..

Synopsis: Primary School life of Xing. The feeling of working. The feeling of behind bar. The feeling of being pushed around. What kind of life is Xing leading..? Stay tuned.

Chapter 1

Victor is a fine young man despite him being sent to Boys' Home and Jail. He had quit studying since primary 6. It's such a pity as he's got the talent to excel. Sigh. Bad company. Anyway, at those 2 places he had learnt a lot. With that, he can be a plumber, carpenter, wielder, electrician, etc. Haha, indeed he's a jack of all trade.

At that time the blooming industry is the shipping industry, that's where Victor's field of expertise. And the pay is good. $500 per wk, imagine that in 1970s.. He's a rich man. But again he got the wrong company. Horse racing, majong, cards, nite clubs. =.=" His cash money got depleted real fast. Until the time Tee come to his life then he toned down a bit.

Tee is this young lady who's working at Old Market helping out her dad who owns a stall selling zhu chao. She is the eldest daughter among the 8 children, also the one with the lowest qualifications. Well, she just dun like to study. But she is a very hardworking person.

When Victor came to know Tee, he eventually went to her workplace very often and they started dating soon after. After dating for some time, it was found out that Tee was pregnant. And the worst thing is Victor is not yet planning to settle down yet. So they tried to go for an abortion. However, because the baby had been in there for few mths already. They would need to give it a few injections before the abortion. After the 2nd injection, Tee back out and said she wanted the child so ain't got any other choice but to settle down with Victor. They fear for the child as it had taken few dosages of weakening liquid.. So they can only pray hard that the child will come out in one piece safe and sound.. Victor and Tee got married in a simple way. Thereafter, Victor brought Tee for cable-car for the 1st time, and also the 1st time for the baby.

Just before the child was born, Victor actually lost a lot in gambling. So when the child is born, he said that they can't afford to feed him at all. Intending to sell little Xing away.. Tee's mum came to know abt it, she came and scolded the two of them and said that if they dun want, she will take care of Xing since he is the 1st grandson. That's how Xing got to stay with his granny since young, he was not supposed to come into the world in the 1st place..

Granny love Xing a lot so she really takes good care of him. Victor and Tee went back to their own home. Victor carry on working as a wielder in the ship while Tee as a housewife. Occasionally they would bring Xing home, just like holiday for him. But with the fact that they can't afford much on the necessities, Xing dun stay long with them.. Soon after, Tee is pregnant again. But this time it's a miscarriage. When she was in the toilet, the child actually came out.. Trying to rescue the poor child but to vain.. All was lost.. She was devastated..

Synopsis: More children..? Here comes the naughty and playful Xing, childhood memories before school starts. The birth of Ling and Ching..

o.O

Gotten this from somewhere.. He amazed me when i 1st came across his rantings. This time this thing hit me.

"Although in my hand I have a flower, it is not the most beautiful one. I picked the flower I thought which was the most beautiful for I am afraid I will miss it like the last time. However I saw a more beautiful flower as I moved along but I could not pick it as I had already picked one flower."

Seems like this crappy guy is almost the same as Jinlun but more violent version.. Interesting guy but wonder what's the future. Communication is the key, well, he crap a lot. Gotta break that ice in the 1st place.. Not gonna feel weird feeling with him if he not gonna feel any. =) Anyway, we'll shall see. The future is unclear.

Can't get to slp so gonna blog a bit more.. Too many stuffs in brain makes the brain run faster till the migraine comes. I'm used to the pain already.. Lolx.. Today is quite a fruitful day despite many thoughts.

A bird being caged for too long yearn to fly off to see the whole, yet afraid that it would get lost in the vast world. The world is dangerous and full of traps yet still wanna take the chance. Well, being caged is not a good feeling at all, i understand that.. Thus, sneaking out to see a bit of the world.. Well, the thing u do not know is too much freedom is bad either.. I was caged since young so i dun wanna do things that i dun wan ppl to do to me.. But well, when things are too near, ppl tends to be blind. So, soar high up. Go go go!

Despite the danger of temptations, u would still go and enjoy the restrictions whenever u can.. But at least u are quite sensible on ur part and i'm impressed. I'm always impressed by ppl who can think well. But i'm sorry i'm very clear cut abt my position. I'm the same as u. I will not let my partner down no matter what. Or at least that's part of little committed actions. Well, i never did, never will. Well, "that's foolish!!" some says but who cares. I'm the one who live my life. Broken wings but i will still lift myself up. Well, reality bites. Sigh.. Life's like these and it sux. It sux becoz i sux. Haiz.. I'm so pessimistic. Can't stand it. I still need the light..

It's been 6mths liao till now.. Time flies.. Or rather slow.. So much had happened, so much unexplained. It's only 6mths.. What if it's 6yrs..? Bored already..? I'm not yet, for i dun get bored easily. Yup tat's my weakness to get hurt easily. =.=" No wonder i had been wasting away my life when i looked into the past. They were merely memories but they hurt. Darn! Why i kept thinking of the bad things.. Can't help it, coz i can't fight the moonlit. Every experiences sharing i ought to learn something to add on to my collections.. Falling star admires this little brain coz she doesn't have much experiences till the day the star fallen. Sigh.. Reality bites. Face it and move on. You are doing great, sis. =) Wahahaha need more insight on men, just shoot. I'll be glad to help watever i can using my little brain. haha.. Wat the hell i'm talking, i always condemn men. =.=" None is good, all good are dead. If u found one that is good, good, good luck. Wat had the world becoming? Now it's not only men, but women too. Haha i shld changed it to all human are bad. =P Oh ya i'm a human myself.. ZzZzZzZz.. =.=" Crap as i can be, serious as i can be. Crappy doesn't mean i'm not serious, serious doesn't mean i will not be serious. Being too serious is bad, without being serious is equally bad. Lolx. It's just like Karma. Mine is negative coz of my past deeds, hopefully most of it had returned to me and break even liao.. Shag leh.. Only if i'm sensible enough 20yrs back.. Sigh.. Ok crab finish liao so i'm walking sideways to my bed.. Where's the light..? I can't move on without the light.. Dun be afraid to show me the light.. You forgotten u can ask me anything and tell me anything..? All's not lost. My brain is tiny but it works wonders. Many will realised when i reveal 30yrs of true lifes. Powerful memory is no good actually.. Sigh.. Humans are always not easily satisfied, so unlike the old me. Old me..? Huh..? Paiseh i dun like to reveal much.. So much unknown of me eh..? Haha.. Paiseh for all the untold. I'm not the same anymore. Everybody's changing by Keane. Koon!!! Think so much also no use de. >_<

Shag-out

Really very shag sia.. Yesterday nite din slp much.. Can't get to slp, too much in my mind.. Must be becoz of him.. Sigh... This morning around 9am then reach home. ZzZzZzZz.. Slp like a pig when in the bus on the way home.. Bathe liao have to go work le.. At work is seriously bored to hell, plus sleepiness.. Then thing still kept lingering inside my head.. Sigh.. How come i still dun get to see the light but saw the darkness.. Seriously unable to shed anymore.. Even had difficulties in breathing.. Luckily all are being well controlled.. Well, seriously dun let me see him.. I dunno wat i will do though.. When i saw it, my whole body became warm already.. If were to see him, i would expect the worst.. Anyway, i'm tired of living already, i dun mind doing anything else.. Sian. Mentioning it makes my blood boils, though it's my fault in the 1st place but i just can't take it.. Still, no light being shown.. Maybe i still had to learn to be more straightforward.. Sigh.. But that's just me.. Anyway, i've thought abt it liao.. Things can be explained and talked thru.. I can be very forgiving but rarely intolerant.. The rare is mainly serious case though.. Still i can't see the light.. Still the door is not open.. Sigh.. Why dun let me see the light..? Anyway, my doubts and mystery had been solved.. So much unexplainable but i guess i've seen the full picture.. Sad though but i still wishing for the light. Anyway, seriously dun let me see him on the road. Hunger for blood if i were to see him.. Though i was in the wrong but sama sama lor.. No wonder talking to me dare not even look at me in the eyes. At least my conscious is clear lor. Argh! Temp went up again. Talking to richie is a million times better and more comfortable lor. Bah! No one understands me anyway. No one believes me anyway. Koon! Tml still gotta work. Where's the light.....?

Sorry..

Been too lazy to blog.. =.=" How come i'm so busy lately..? Well, it's good to get busy though. It'll get me occupied but working is still boring as hell. zzzzzzzzzzzzz.. No morale to work at all. I've been hinting to Liangzhu that i'll be leaving soon but no time given yet though.. Trying to get him to be independent. Well, he's 2yrs older than me but he's kind of too relax with life despite the hectic living and high standard lifestyle of singapore. Haha.. Oh well, he wun get it. Zzzzzz.. Just like that Jimmy. 30 liao still dunno how to think. -.- Anyway, i ain't in any position to give criticisms as i wasn't of any good either.. Haha..

I've sent in my Resume for HP for dunno how many goddamn wks liao still no reply from them. Even my friend albert dun reply to my sms.. I hate it when ppl dun even bother to reply.. Well, i'm asking some serious qn and not stupid qn. $0.05 so exp ah.. Sigh.. Such humans exist though. Anyway, i've got one customer, Nick. He used to be from Belkin but he quit and joined this company called Overland Storage. His company do purchases from my shop for his clients and i gave great services. lolx. =) On monday i went up to his office for coffee, well i did that with a motive.. Muahahahaha... He actually did mentioned to me that i've got great networking knowledge and wide range of product knowledge, so he asked why i did not go over to Belkin and work for them instead? I told him i was not there yet, i still consider myself as an amateur. He said no need that much of knowledge since i've got experiences in this field. Btw, his office is great!! Suntec Penthouse!! Omg.. Superb scenery from above.. Gave me that fulfilling satisfaction.. But too bad it's not my office.. Anyway, i spoke to Nick and found out that the director of belkin is actually his friend.. I showed him my interest in that company and reveal my background of working experiences. He said he will help me ask and see if there's any placing for me. Well, most probably i'll be in the sales line but in a different aspect. Not the usual retail nor the sales executive. I'll be handling with distributors and also with retail shops. Will be moving around seeking info and feedbacks. Well, sales quota is inevitable but not gonna be very xiong.. But gonna be very pressuring as the current totally cannot make it and if i were to take her place, i will be expected much more.. Coz of my experiences.. Well, sometimes i really dunno to lay low or to fly high.. Both got their pros and cons.. Life's like this and it sux.. Reality always bites.. But still gonna face it to survive in this world.. I've got no one to rely on but to stand up on my own..

Went Sentosa with Jason this morning. A little bit of sun only.. Without the sun, we still carry on laying there under the sky listening to some music and not forgetting the sound of the sea.. And i fell asleep and snore quite loud.. Lolx.. I'm really tired.. No idea why but that seems to be the case.. Sigh.. When will my getaway comes...? it seems ages.. But i'm just so broke to do anything abt it.. That time went Batam is totally squeeze it out de.. Anyway, if i were to know that someone's not going, i wun even want to go.. Mentioning that raked up something... Anyway, forget it..

After the short nap, went to sim lim sq. Hmmm.. dun really know why we are going there.. Just before we left, asked Raine come out for a smoke. Well, she seems to be doing alright at there. And most impt, she seems to pull thru the wave. Great.. I dun like to see ppl sad.. She said i've changed a lot.. When asked how i've changed, nothing outta her mouth. Lolx.. Well, i dunno either.. After sls, we went to Chapter 2 for haircut, virgin trip.. Lolx.. 1st time spending more than $20 on hair.. ZZZZZZZ.. When wanting to buy the $7.00 earring, i even have to think for few mths.. Despite that, there's still many things yet to be settled.. Sigh.. Am i following my dad's footstep..? Hope not.. I guess around this age he is already suffering.. Suffering much more than me.. Life's so feeble eh..

Wat's lies in the future..? I still dun have an answer yet.. How come i'm so difficult to satisfy..? That's so unlikely of me.. So different of me.. I needed the light.. The light to save me from darkness.. It's still very dark in here.. Commitments are not just commitments.. It's of a lifetime and it ain't a game.. Jason sees it as we will not be able to make it.. But i beg to differ.. Actually i wanted to give it all i can.. Once and for all.. I've not given up totally yet.. But i'm still scared.. This is not a play.. This is not a game.. It takes two hands to clap.. I believe i still need somemore time.. People says time will heal the wound.. I hope so.. Anyway, i asked for it all along.. Haha.. Time is still early to tell it all. But i'll try to do my best.. Still gonna need some more.. A little bit more..

Met Eddie the other day for appointment. He shown me the path of life.. Well, it's not gonna be easy.. Planning is inevitable.. Lifetime planning, that is.. I've learnt that what i planned is not exactly the right thing.. Meaning, planning shld involve the concerning party and not just making decisions alone.. So, watever i had planned had been put on hold.. It's a lifetime planning for two and not just one.. Having said that, i'm still not ready anyway.. I'm such a bad guy.. Sigh.. Lolx.. i found the best thing to describe myself liao.. Crystal Ball.. So strong yet so fragile.. Oh well, forget it..

The past... The present... The future...

Accidentally scrolled to the bottom and read my own blog.. So many things had been forgotten and being recalled again.. It's kinda mixed feelings.. Last time when i wrote on the blog, our status is diff from now.. Which makes me turn back time to tat time.. Yup, her unwanted past.. Her unclear memories to me.. Mentioning this made me recalled last yr in Nov.. I rmb i did called my ex-coll mike before and informed him of my new number.. Then there was once i called him to ask him to club, then he suddenly told me he saw my friend at Orchard where he is working at a hp shop.. I asked to describe and realised it was actually my gf.. Well, at tat moment i know what's in his mind.. Knn me and Jason were the ones to poison his brain due to his unbearable parting with his 3-yrs relationship with jessica.. To make him break free of himself.. Then wat he thinking as if i dunno lor.. He said that he wanted to approach her to get my number as he dun have it.. Excuses lor.. He seen her before as she did came to my ex-company to interview and that time all the guys in the whole company were going gaga over her lor. Dun tell me he is not, unless he is not normal. =.=" Well, afterall all men were alike.. ZzZzZzZz.. Shoot myself again.. =.="

Well, reading more of my past blog made me feel that i'm really a not worthy guy.. Not worthy guy to anyone.. Not worthy to be mentioned.. A look into the past is like looking into a pool of blood, so gore and disgusting.. Can't help being haunted.. I just can't help it.. I just felt it's the end of world to me.. Wat's beoming of me..?

Currently what am i doing..? I seriously dunno.. Time to work, i work.. Time to knock off, i knock off.. Time to slp, i slp.. Time to die, ya i'm still waiting.. I can only feel that the time is taking my life away bit by bit, day by day, wk by wk, mth by mth, yr by yr.. When is this gonna ends..? When is this gonna put a stop to it.. Where's my angel..? Total darkness of blur vision.. I'm in a world of my own.. I know, life's isn't that short but i found it too long.. I'm tired and exhausted.. Everything i do, was so wrong.. Having regrets living forever in regrets.. How much more regrets must i have..? Regret in regretting to have regretted..

The future was planned in a most beautiful piece of my life.. The plans for meeting the parents and relative, 1st time in my life. The plans to own a home, 1st time in my life. The plans to settle down, 1st time in my life. The plans to the future, our future, 1st time in my life. Many 1st times in my life that i NEVER thought of. 1st time i'm being that seriously serious despite not letting anyone know.. Now i'm scared.. I'm afraid.. I'm terrified.. I'm lost.. I'm being paranoid.. I dare not think abt it anymore.. Not that i dun want to but rather... It will be a dream of the bright future but is it really bright or a darkness ready to bestow upon.. Dreams shattered, darkness fell, silence of the surrounding.. I just unable to do it anymore.. I dare not think.. I dare not commit anymore.. No more commitments.. I'm not ready anymore.. I'm gonna exhaust my cpf and dump it into investments for 10yrs.. Without that i wun be able to get a house at all.. I'm gonna continue my studies for dip and deg.. With that i wun be able to settle down any sooner.. I'm gonna turn this blog into a True Life Story Revealing.. With that i wun be able to blog my thoughts anymore.. Unspoken shall lies deep within, never being released.. I'm not what i am anymore as i'm closing up my heart, locking up the door and shutting down the system.. Pretty gals walking past no longer interest me.. I'm back to my old usual pessimistic self, that time before Celena released me from my darkness.. This time i dun think i will let anyone have the key.. My 'mask' had been put on a few days back and i'm comfortable with it.. Break free..? No, i've got no strength to do that.. And i've never thought of doing that.. What's left in the future for me..? Well, there's no future.. And i dun think i need a future.. The story will begin in the next post.. Hope u all will enjoy it.. I've always wanted to write it, thus i did mentioned to Liangzhu that i wanted to write a novel. A novel is not a novel but a true life to be known.. This will reveal the philosophy of life and mistakes of life.. To err is human but i just can't forgive my sins..

Untitled

Sian.. Ever since yest i've been this listless... lifeless.. Felt kinda empty, lost, blurred, just like a boat without a destination.. No planning of route, lazy. No planning of protection, lazy. No planning of survival, rather more on salvation.. Yes, the dogs are barking at the new moon, whistling a new tune, hoping it will come soon, hoping that they could die soon.. Ya, ending it may be the most beautiful thing..

I was reminded of my sins.. I've done my reflections.. Sin can never be forgiven.. It's just like a burnt tree can never become a new tree ever again.. Wat's done had done, wat's gone had gone, irreversible.. Forever.. I felt i needed isolation, desertation.. I can't recognised myself anymore.. I can't tell that it's me when i look into the mirror.. I can't feel that i'm alive... I don't feel the urge to keep alive.. Wat's becoming of me? God knows.. Wat had i done these 25yrs..? Wat am i doing all my life..? Suddenly everything seems so no point in doing.. No point planning my route of advance, no point creating my path of future, no point in returning to the past, no point looking at the present, no point visualising the future..

I'm like a real living dead now.. My hair wun stand anymore, no point doing that.. My eyes look weak and tired, no point opening it normal.. My stomach telling me to eat, no point to eat as I dun feel the need to, no appetite.. My specs is not being put on, no point seeing things that clearly my short-sighted is merely 300+.. My contact lens left with last pair, no point getting new ones it's waste of money.. I'm being unfriendly to all my neighbours, doesn't matter, no point being friendly.. Yes, i'm a mofos. Let it be at that..

Everyday's routine.. I'm growing tired of it.. Work, eat, drink, play, sleep. Again and again and again and again and again and again and again.. Work, why have to work..? Eat, why have to eat..? Drink, why have to drink..? Play, why have to play..? Sleep, why have to sleep..? I’m beginning to dun understand a lot of things.. Why this and why that..? I’m getting lazy to think.. Where’s all my philosophy of life..? I dunno.. Really.. I’m being haunted by the past.. Now I realized how scary it is to look back.. Well, maybe I can’t just forgive myself.. Will not be able to.. Coz it’s gonna be there forever.. Hope my next life will be better, if there’s a next life..

Is there really a next life..? I’m very curious abt it.. I was told that when a person died, the soul will leave the body and pend for reincarnation so in the meantime wandering around and wait.. Is it really that way..? I wanna see my grandfather.. I can’t explained my sins but I just wanna see him badly.. No point regretting over spilled milk but I can’t help it.. I just can’t forgive myself for it.. Sin can never be forgiven even though others may had forgiven and forget.. But it is forever not forgotten in me.. Never forgotten even if I had short-term memories.. Memories aren’t just memories.. Wat’s life without memories…? It’s much better than a life without a soul just like me now.. There doesn’t seems to have any form of life in me.. Even my boss and dad scolded me for being that way.. I forgot how I reacted but doesn’t matter anymore.. I wish for a tranquility just like the lighthouse.. Serenity but I still like it..

No one seems to know me.. I’m in a whole of my own coz that’s wat I was taught.. “Don’t let anyone know your everything.. Leave a bit on everyone and to find yourself is to recall from everyone else, like a jigsaw puzzle.. Your thoughts, your emotions, your actions, your past, your present. No one will gets to know it all, as in 100%.. It’s good for you to stay this way, don’t be like me..” That was something coming out from my dad more than a decade ago and it still applies.. But why is that so..? Wat’s the meaning of that..? Wat’s the point of doing that..? I’ve got no idea.. I’m always doing things that I’m told.. I’m just a follower.. Like, how many r/s I had. No one knows the answer.. Not even my best friends.. Coz I bs too much till no one knows.. Well, it seems to everyone I’ve got a lot before but the fact is, u can count using half a hand.. Doesn’t really matter, anyway the past had past.. No point lingering in the past.. Anyway no one would believed me.. I dun think I’ll need anyone to believe me either.. Coz it’s not impt.. It’s my life, I’m just a part of everyone’s memories.. So, I dun have to be the whole memories of somebody ya..? Well, anyway who knows in a few yrs or few mths or few days or few hrs or few mins or even few secs, I might not be around anymore.. Life’s so unpredictable.. So full of mysteries and uncertainties.. So, I’m not gonna mention abt myself anymore.. Coz it’s not of anyone’s concern.. Ya, that’s right.. Why shld I let others’ mood being affected by my words.. I guess I’ve lived for too long anyway..

I've lost my wings.. Without the wings, without the will, without the strength, without the stamina.. I'm nothing but a souless soul inside an empty shell, so hollow.. But doesn't matter, coz the shell will still move abt..

I'm sorry for all the things i've done, i'm sorry for all the things i've yet to do, i'm sorry for all things i never did, i'm sorry for all the foolish things, i'm sorry for all the bad, i'm sorry for all the good, i'm sorry for all the troubles, i'm sorry for all the problems, i'm sorry for all the stirs, i'm sorry for being not able, i'm sorry for being useless, i'm sorry for being nosy, i'm sorry for being the bad guy, i'm sorry.. Well, sorry doesn't cure.. Anyway, i can't forgive myself.. I hate myself for being myself.. I really hate myself.. Only if ME doesn't exist at all.. Why do they have to give birth to me..? Why do they have to drag me to this world..? I hate to be hated but i have to hate myself.. It's a misery to be living on.. It always was.. It will always be.. Forever will be.. There's no escaping against fate, though fate is a choice to be made.. How long am i gonna last..? I dunno.. I only know i dun need anything now, i dun need anybody now. I promised i will be good.. I just have to think abt it more deeply.. Gotta rearrange my thoughts..

Anyway, time to sign off.. I took darn 8hrs to type this whole post.. Today whole day my mind had been spinning and spinning. Many had noticed I’m not usual today, well, I’m not in the 1^st place.. I still preferred smoking alone in one dark corner so that I can think my thoughts better.. I can hardly lift up my head today as I found that when looking at the floor can think better without or less distractions.. Ok, I shall stop here bah.. It’s not the end but merely a new start of a new beginning..