Just now got took my medicine, shld be feeling sleepy but doesn’t seems to put me to slp at all.. Just went over my own post.. Seen so much, recalled so much and worst thing happened.. I just blog and I accidentally closed it.. Unable to retrieve anything.. It’s getting late and I’m still not getting it done yet.. >_<

I’m sorry for being angry over it despite ur clear explanations.. Becoz I’m serious.. I’m sorry for being sensitive over how come u can smile and laugh when talking to him but with me I seems to only irritates u.. His posts are more interesting with our chats.. Becoz I’m serious.. I’m sorry for being slight possessive coz I’m serious..

I had regard u as The One ever since things got better for us after the light. I’ve given up everything just for u and I’ll do anything to make it go your ways, becoz I’m serious and I wouldn’t wan to lose u.. Anything that will hurt u are things that I will never do, becoz I’m serious. I wouldn’t have care much if I’m not.. I’ve changed a little.. Every time I heard Because Of You, I think of you. It’s becoz of u coz it’s u who had changed my life. It’s a good thing becoz of u.. Life seems complete and I’m living becoz of u.

U know I hated freedom being restricted but I felt glad when u restricted me from this and that, becoz I’m serious and I know u are serious too. U know I hated freedom being restricted so I gave u all the freedom becoz I dun wan u to see shadows in me.. Shadows of the past, so I tried to be different becoz of u.. Well, I’m still not used to invade privacy.

Long ago u mentioned of this long good friend, I just check and said okie no prob with him. Lately u being very close to him but u assured me well, I’m fine with it too. Yest morning I saw the sentence, so naturally I went to see his profile and his blog.. When I first saw him, I rmb his status is single now he’s married. Yup maybe he just wanted to put that to chase away the gals. I rmb I din see u at all but now I saw 3(and as a bf I failed 2 of them). Yup maybe he just wanted to shoo the gals. Then I saw his taggie with a new ‘dearie’. Yup maybe he posted it himself just to make the gals distant from him. Then came to think abt the sentence. Yup maybe he just wanna test us or he did it purpose. Well, if I ain’t serious wun care that much already. I would go back to my own old self. Becoz of u I’m serious so I mind. U said u will tell him to take it down but I saw another recent pic and yet nothing ought to be is done to make my uneasy go away. Becoz I’m serious and had regard u as The One.. I know u are always a very kind gal, if needed the help, I will be the bad guy. U know I would, just that I dun want to, becoz of u.

Think of it what if it’s gonna be the other way round in the same situation..? I wouldn’t even wan to think of it coz I would never let it happened, becoz I’m serious. I had decided that u are The One. I swore that u are not just any substitute, not even for the mystery one coz she is long history and I’m not afraid to offend/hurt her in here.

In my life there’s only four passwords. Winjean, Karen, Celena and Shan. I had decided that I will not changed anymore passwords. Starting – building – enduring – ending – starting – building – enduring – ending. Though I’m only 25 but I’m tired of it. I dun get into a relationship anyhow so I had decided u are the ONLY ONE & LAST ONE till my death..

Just now when I’m alone waiting for bus, I’m alone sitting in the bus, I’m alone walking home, I’m alone smoking outside my house.. I had thoughts of why din the cars beat the red lights? I had thoughts of how would it feel to land from 20th floor? I had thoughts of how would it feel to feel nothing at all when sleeping? Becoz I’m serious. Both u and I know that this ain’t a game.. U are still the old zhutou that I knew that is always being faithful even though he is not around..

Do I really have to check ur inbox too? Do I really have to monitor ur movement and interaction? Do I really have to probe into everything regardless whether u wan to say or not? I really dun wan to coz I dun wan u to see shadows of them in me.. I’m not them.. But if u really need the help due to things beyond ur controls, just say so and I will. Becoz of u I can break my belief in no restrictions. Becoz I’m serious. I dun wan it that way too.. It’s not that I dun trust u, but rather I dun trust guys. I always dun. I dun even trust my own guys friends, how to trust ppl whom I dun even know.

U dun wan me to get any closer to anymore gals, yup I’m glad and I did. U want me to put our pics in profile, well I’m glad and I did. What abt urs? Yes I mind now. Coz now if a person were to see our three profiles. All 3 status are married but urs doesn’t seems to show who is ur bf coz neither is in there(and somemore u know i hate him, his pic still there) whereas the other two shown u inside. What does that gonna show? It doesn’t look good on u. If I dun even think abt it in ur shoes, I think I would heckcare.. But I’m serious. We’ve come a long way and just braved thru the storm.. There’s still a long way for us both to go, isn’t it..? I would still want to protect u even though I’m useless..

It’s just like what both of u said, words got stucked in the throat.. So it’s not that I dun wanna tell u what’s on my mind.. The question is will u blow up? I’m serious becoz this ain’t a game. Communication, Understanding & Honesty. Sometimes it’s not just us.. Even if he got his reasons in doing it, I needed a little respect. Is this another karma to me?

I’m not complaining but I really wan u to know what’s going on inside in just like how I wanted to know what u are thinking inside.. So that we can work things out together. As u said, shit happens but the thing is who’s gonna clear that shit? Well, it’s both of us isn’t it? So why not clear it together then? Tell me what to do. I’m pretty easy to please. Tell me what to do coz I dun wanna be lost. Becoz I’m serious and I had regard u as The One.

Shan, I love you. There’s nothing we can’t do, till death do us part.. Those still inside me..